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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Totally excluded from group of friends and no idea why

250 replies

nuttynittynora · 27/07/2015 09:03

When DD started school 4 years ago I became friendly with 3 other mums; I'll call them Lucy, Jayne and Anna for this thread.

For 3 years we all got on well and had lots of meet ups with the kids, lots of nights out, barbecues at each others' houses and I thought we were all good friends. I was closest to Lucy out of them all as we live in the same road and so saw more of each other. We even went on holiday as a family with Lucy and her DH and children.

About a year ago I noticed that all 3 of them were, seemingly overnight, being quite offhand with me. It was nothing that I could specifically put my finger on, but I just felt less welcome in a group with them all and like they didn't want to talk to me. They would all claim to be busy whenever I suggested doing anything together. I gave them the benefit of the doubt as had no reason to think that they weren't busy.

Then one night a few weeks after this started I noticed that Lucy had put some pictures on Facebook titled 'A great night out with great friends', and it turned out that all 3 of them had been out to the cinema then for a meal and I hadn't been invited. I was upset but didn't want to appear needy and so I didn't say anything to them all. I decided to pretend that it doesn't bother me but it really does.

I have carried on being polite and friendly to them all when I see them but none of them invite me out anymore, and I feel with them all that they seem to think they need to avoid me at all costs. If I see any of them individually and speak to them they act all wide eyed and desperate to get away and keep looking around them. All of their husbands have de-friended me on Facebook.

They are all having regular nights out and often invite other school mums along, but never me. Even my next door neighbour gets invited!

I truly cannot think of anything that I could have done to cause such offence seemingly overnight to all 3 of them! I was a good friend to them all for 3 years and I'm really not the type of person to be gobby and outspoken and cause offence by being myself.

I know I should be getting over it by now but I noticed last night on FB they were all sharing poems on each others' walls about good friendships and valuing each other and I just felt sorry for myself.

OP posts:
KERALA1 · 27/07/2015 13:30

Listen to Christina aguilera "fighter" and live by it (immature but effective)!

rabbitstew · 27/07/2015 13:35

It's irrelevant whether or not "it's one of the DH's" - real friends don't believe what one person says and then freeze you out as a result. Inadequate, insecure, silly people behave like that. As others have said - it's that group's dynamic. Beneath the surface is a mass of seething emotion and jealousy - someone was jealous because you were too close to Lucy; someone made a comment about your looks, or about how you were always so fussy about something, or how bitchy you were and trying to make Lucy your special friend; Lucy was made to feel if she carried on being too close to you, she would be persona non grata amongst the others and would be talked about behind her back like they were with you, etc... Who cares? Whatever it is it is, I am 100% certain the reason is 100% silly, as are the women involved.

hollieberrie · 27/07/2015 13:35

Something similar happened to me at work. It hurt and i shed a lot of tears over it.

Seconding the Christina Aguilera recommendation! Also Taylor Swift Bad Blood? ;)

Its hard but i found anger helped. I just thought Fuck Them, and eventually i got over it. Still hurts if i think back to it though. Dont let it damage your self esteem, it really is them not you.

x

rabbitstew · 27/07/2015 13:40

(You didn't think being "closer to Lucy" was ever going to work long term, did you?).

Orrery · 27/07/2015 13:56

Well, I've been on the other side of this situation - where I have simply run out of energy for friends self-indulgent and ego-centric behaviour and distanced myself from them - friends I was a bridesmaid for, Uni friends of 10 years, friends who I had supported through divorce. You know what really pissed me off the most.... they never even bothered to ask me if everything was alright, if they had offended me, or even if I had suddenly had a major disruption in my life and could they be a friend TO ME for a change. They just totally let it drift away without a single word of protest, what good 'friends' we must have been!

If you have been actively excluded then you have caused offence, maybe not in your mind, but it's not you who is offended is it? Either find out what's gone wrong or let it go, but also consider how things must look from their point of view, which is kind of the whole point of friendship is it not?

rabbitstew · 27/07/2015 13:59

Lucy, of course, is the one who put pictures up on Facebook which she knew you would see. Lucy clearly has a massive problem with grown up conversations.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 27/07/2015 13:59

Any chance you bitched about them on MN and got caught? If not, then life laundry time sadly.

rabbitstew · 27/07/2015 14:00

However, I would have taken that as a message from Lucy that you had seriously pissed her off and she wanted to hurt you.

Miggsie · 27/07/2015 14:07

It's probably nothing you did but somehow you have disturbed their group norms and shred beliefs.

I was frozen out by my SIL and her friends.
When very drunk she told me she and her friends all hated me because "you don't need make-up to look attractive".
So I was better off out of that one. It is likely to be something as stupid and shallow as that and nothing to do with you. Some silly conversation of the husbands who need to keep their wives sweet.

Wheredidiputthekeys · 27/07/2015 14:08

I have witnessed a mean girl group get a friendly chatty text from someone they had long since discarded, as no longer useful. Oh how they laughed.

"Needy Nora, when is she going to get the message?" The mean girls had projected their insecurities onto the discarded friend to make themselves feel better about themselves.

Your group will have a continueing roll of who is in or out of favour. Don't be a victim of it.

Disengage on social media, express no interest in their lives, be polite but distant if you do bump into them, so they have to reconsider was the discarding mutual? Oh, but hang on, surely everyone want to be their friend, don't they?? Er.. no

That will feed into their insecurities and protect you.

StillFrankie · 27/07/2015 14:16

OP, maybe its something your DH did then?

Maybe he fell out with one of the other DHs?

Or maybe he upset one of your friends?

Timetoask · 27/07/2015 14:21

So sorry op, how horrible for you. I have been a victim of this sort of behaviour from my teenage years (went to a girls school!!! Horrible). I developed a thick skin and unfortunately don't let anyone get too close for fear of being dumped again, don't have Facebook either. The one good thing for me is that I don't have any expectations from others, the only people I completely trust are my family and DH.

rabbitstew · 27/07/2015 14:21

Orrery - I'm sorry, but I think it's rather childish to take offence and then expect someone who clearly doesn't understand why to work it out entirely by themselves. That's just self-indulgently and unnecessarily letting yourself build up resentment.

gotstogonow · 27/07/2015 14:23

Quite Rabbitstew. Another example of cowardice and a lack of communication skills.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 27/07/2015 14:32

Theyve clearly instructed all their men to defriend you which means they think you're a threat, very immature. Normally I would say ignore but there could be done untrue story going about that needs challenged. You should confront them.

Weebirdie · 27/07/2015 14:35

Jeez Orrery, pot kettle black and all that!

PuppyMonkey · 27/07/2015 14:38

Yes Orery, because it's actually bound to be all the op's fault isn't it? Confused

Phoenix0x0 · 27/07/2015 14:53

orery regardless where the fault lies....these mean girls are hardly painting themselves in glory are they.

If they were nice one of them would have taken OP aside and said something. Instead, they are mean and continually rub her nose in the fact that that she is excluded. Why else post pictures and friendship quotes, hmmm?

OP i said before and I will say again. I would not ask them why. You will only feed into their mean girl set up..." Oo poor nutty just asked me why we weren't inviting her out.....ah bless, she looked as though she was about to cry" BWahhahhhhh!

IWorshipSatin · 27/07/2015 17:08

At the very least I would unfollow them on Facebook. You don't need to be confronted with that when you log on. Social Networking should be fun/enjoyable/relaxing, not depressing and angst-inducing.

Better yet unfriend them and block them.

Better yet, deactivate your Facebook...

They sound very childish, and based on the 'friendship poems' alone without all the other rubbish, I'd say you're better off out of there.

SummerLightning · 27/07/2015 17:35

God, why not just ask them?

What if someone told them they saw you run over their cat/steal your kids scooter/back into one of their cars - not even maliciously but just mis identified you?

OK, childish of them to react like that by not confronting you, but it could be something like this that's easily sorted out by you telling them it's not true.

If they were vague acquaintances I would just ignore - but a local friend who I've been on holiday with - I would ask.

ZazieSiddharta · 27/07/2015 17:38

some groups bond over excluding others. It's all a bit "Wickerman". It makes them feel more secure and powerful to hurt others. Seriously, you'll have had a lucky escape.

lastuseraccount123 · 27/07/2015 18:09

i agree with PPs if they've done this to you they will do it to others. Disengage.

hhhhhhh · 27/07/2015 19:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hellion7433 · 27/07/2015 19:33

I think you should just ask the one you were closest to

VivaLeBeaver · 27/07/2015 19:37

They must know you'd see the fb stuff so doesn't look like they're bothered about hurting you.

Id ask, but be prepared you might just get a load of rubbish excuses along the lines of that they're not purposefully excluding you, these things were a last minute thing, etc. even though you'll both know it's bollocks. So it depends how much you want to persist or whether you just say ok.

Delete them off your fb friends.