Totally excluded from group of friends and no idea why

[nuttynittynora]

When DD started school 4 years ago I became friendly with 3 other mums; I'll call them Lucy, Jayne and Anna for this thread.

For 3 years we all got on well and had lots of meet ups with the kids, lots of nights out, barbecues at each others' houses and I thought we were all good friends. I was closest to Lucy out of them all as we live in the same road and so saw more of each other. We even went on holiday as a family with Lucy and her DH and children.

About a year ago I noticed that all 3 of them were, seemingly overnight, being quite offhand with me. It was nothing that I could specifically put my finger on, but I just felt less welcome in a group with them all and like they didn't want to talk to me. They would all claim to be busy whenever I suggested doing anything together. I gave them the benefit of the doubt as had no reason to think that they weren't busy.

Then one night a few weeks after this started I noticed that Lucy had put some pictures on Facebook titled 'A great night out with great friends', and it turned out that all 3 of them had been out to the cinema then for a meal and I hadn't been invited. I was upset but didn't want to appear needy and so I didn't say anything to them all. I decided to pretend that it doesn't bother me but it really does.

I have carried on being polite and friendly to them all when I see them but none of them invite me out anymore, and I feel with them all that they seem to think they need to avoid me at all costs. If I see any of them individually and speak to them they act all wide eyed and desperate to get away and keep looking around them. All of their husbands have de-friended me on Facebook.

They are all having regular nights out and often invite other school mums along, but never me. Even my next door neighbour gets invited!

I truly cannot think of anything that I could have done to cause such offence seemingly overnight to all 3 of them! I was a good friend to them all for 3 years and I'm really not the type of person to be gobby and outspoken and cause offence by being myself.

I know I should be getting over it by now but I noticed last night on FB they were all sharing poems on each others' walls about good friendships and valuing each other and I just felt sorry for myself.

I would not ask because if people do something irrational and a bit mean, they don't always have a good reason! I was once excluded from am NCT group and the best advice my husband gave me was to ignore them and that I was better off staying in alone than going out with bitchy people who for some reason didn't really like me! Good advice, you are best advised to move on.

Baby and Regrets have nailed it, one of the DH's has said something about OP... and it's created ructions in the friendship/DHs group. hence the freezing out.

I sort of got this in my 20s with some friends who were paired off - when I wasn't with a boyfriend they still socialised with me but I think a few of them were jealous when I was single due to the fact I was single and also not ugly. however these were friends through work and friends of the friend through work so no allegiance to them on my part!

Why would she pretend she doesn't care? They're obviously not going to buy that. They know she has been shat on and will be feeling it...they did the shitting.
I think it's more satisfying have the self confidence to take some control back and confront it for what it is, before owning the outcome yourself.

Then I'd do as you describe Kerala.

I've seen this happen to people more than once. As a result I prefer to have a range of friends from different places, ages and stages of life.

One group of mums with small children, happy with coffee mornings, picnic meets, mums night out. Suddenly one was completely frozen out because one of the mum's DH made up a completely malicious rumour. Why would a DH get involved? Beggars belief.

I liked the ostracized mum, and said to the others, "On balance, what is the likelihood of x being true about y?". Eventually I had to tell the ostracized mum the rumour, she was getting upset and knew something was wrong. She challenged the source of the rumour, who denied all responsibility, even though the DH had said it to more than one person. My point is challenging your group may not get you closure.

Another friend was frozen out of a group. There was a dominant member of the group, who my friend got on very well with. Another friend, in the same group, got jealous and started making up malicious rumours, fabricated slights, and generated conflict (think tears, tantrums, can't be in the same room as, and that woman will never darken my door type behaviour).

In MN circles these people are referred to as Wendys, because of thread very long time ago where a PP with similar problems refers to the problem friend as "Let's call her Wendy". It's not intended as a slight on the name iyswim.

All of a sudden the rest of the group were busy, couldn't confirm any arrangements, or simply cancelled at the last minute. Friend tried to resolve it, could it be poor communication or misunderstandings previously, could they move on?

Apparently not, the "Wendy" in the group has developed stalker like behaviour and six years later continues to make up rumours on just about anybody, usually prefaced with " You know I'm not one to gossip, but ........". Utterly unhinged.

My point is grown women should know better. Sorry for you problems OP, no doubt it's very hurtful, ultimately you are better off out of it.

I agree with Pictish - I think it will be easier to move on if you at least have a reason. In the mean time unfriend them or hide them on facebook so you are not constantly seeing them rub your nose in it

This happened to me recently although the friendship wasn't as close as yours. I asked outright and got a load of guff. Things picked up a bit but eventually I got bored of her blowing hot and cold and decided to distance myself, including unfollowing her on Facebook. I feel much happier for it. Remember, friends are supposed to make you feel better about yourself not worse!

Poor you. It's a horrible feeling.

This happened to me with a bigger group. We'd been friends for years - looked after each other's children, spent NYEs together, been away etc. One of the group started freezing me out and when everyone joined FB, she didn't add me. Another person was happy to chat on PM but didn't add me either.

A couple of years on (I know, I'm slow!) and the messages between them all about getting together (excluding me) weren't getting any less hurtful. I contacted the ones who I was still in touch with to say I was bowing out of FB as far as the group was concerned and so would be unfriending them on there but it would be lovely to stay in touch etc. I also asked if there was anything I needed to apologise for in case I'd upset someone.

Cue lots of 'Yes I want to stay in touch with you!' but none of them have. Who knows what was said, or what I did or didn't do but I kind of wish I hadn't asked as I think it made me sound a bit needy.

I have better friends now. It's unfortunate but it sounds as though you (and I) have had a happy escape...

I also agree with the Pictish approach - not apologetic, be upfront that clearly something has happened but it would be adult of them to at least be honest about it. They probably won't admit it, but why should they get away with not even being asked to justify their bad behaviour?

I agree that you have been scuppered by a husband as they have probably been instructed to remove you by jealous wives. This doesn't mean you did anything to deserve this but there is bugger all you can do, delete them from FB and move on with your own fab life.

Ha yes the 'Wendy's' I had forgotten that reference. Went to school with many of them. I stear clear of any group with a ring leader now, especially anything to do with school.

OP, I agree, I think it was one of their husbands, why else would all the other DH unfriend you? It will all be made up, you will never get to the bottom of it.

Kerala is right, Sherbet is right, block from Facebook or set up a new account, it will be like a life laundry.

Well, tbh, they all sound deeply insecure and inadequate. It's sad to find out they weren't ever real friends of yours and indicates rather strongly that they aren't real friends to each other, either - at some point, another one of them risks being squeezed out and no longer receiving their rather pathetic mutual appreciation poems. Those sorts of friendships are only ever skin deep and only ever last as long as they are getting something out of each other. You are merely the first to fall by the wayside. Basically, you no longer made them feel good about themselves, and they were never really interested in how you felt about anything, you were just there for their own self-affirmation. Count yourself lucky you have found out what they are really like before you actually needed a real friend to confide in. These were not women to confide anything in!

Is your DH friendly with any of their DHs? Could he ask one out for a drink and ask them? Sometimes men are more upfront and honest about problems.

I've been slowly phased out because I wasn't able to do the same things due to health reasons, I made it clear I wasn't able each time but it may come across as annoying. I also suspect I said something wrong to another person who had been friendly and suddenly could barely look me in the eye, it was fairly innocent in my eyes and intent but suspect things could be twisted to create offence if someone is sensitive about an issue - people can be sensitive or jealous about things they haven't revealed and it gets blown up into an insult which is reported to the others.

I would invite Lucy out for a drink, if she declines then ask outright what you have done?

Thing is much as I agree with Pictish re being upfront and frank however you play it asking makes you look needy and puts you in a weaker position. Think it does more harm than good. Just my opinion.

I totally agree with BrixtonQueen

It's really sad that others are put off friendship groups for this reason. I tend to stick to one to one friendships too after an awful time in school. There is something about group dynamics which makes this behaviour more likely - ganging up on one makes the remaining group feel stronger/closer.

It is not 'needy' to ask someone who has treated you badly, why they have treated you badly.
No one is expected to swallow shit without gagging.

I too blame the DH's.

A long while ago now my friend was having problems with her dh I bumped into him one day he was upset no one knows what's she's like etc. I was pretty blunt and said look she is what she is she isn't going to change so either stay or go (in a nut shell).

I thought no more of it then about 3 months later she doesn't return my text then the next and next. I had no idea what was going on I rang and rang. I phoned her mum who was awkward and had obviously been told something. I was absolutely mystified and upset we'd been friends since nursery. I never thought for a minute it would be the dh and I didn't say anything I wouldn't say to her face.

In the end I gave up. After about 18 months the phone goes it's her in floods of tears, she's spilt from dh and it all comes out that he told her I'd been slagging her off and calling her all sorts which is not true.

'Why don't you just ask them?' does sound like the obvious thing to do - but in reality it will probably lead to (as other have said) wide-eyed denials then a flurry of gossip among them. It's unpleasant, but some friendship groups bond by doing this kind of thing. I can't explain it, but I've seen it multiple times.

I don't think it is needy - I am a real speaker outer myself since I got older and respect people that do. However I have regretted asking. No honesty results, you are fobbed off but have let the crueller ones know they have got to you. Group then gets validated as your upset at being ejected is now known to all. There's no closure in these circs and you cringe later. That's been my experience anyway.

I see a lot of these threads nower days but hardly any where the OP comes back, having asked the group what the problem was.

Please ask and report back OP.

Hope you are ok.

Approaching a bunch of cowardice pigs is futile.

Their reasons will definitely be pathetic and probably stem from jealousy IME. She probably saw her husband gawping at you in your bikini on holiday lol.
Their subsequent behaviour proves they have the school playground mentality.

School mums you say. Hmmm.... I stay out of that crap because some mothers I know are desperate to join the cliques and talk of queen bees making it difficult for them to do so. It's all so utterly pathetic. They all seem to hate eachother really and the things I've heard them say about each others children is horrendous.

I don't understand saying hello to people who don't deserve to be spat on, the way they've treated you. Your closure is they are nasty witches and treat people disgustingly.

I wouldn't give them the satisfaction of asking, it's embarrassing yourself I think.

You sound lovely, go away and be happy with your family and other friends.
Good luck and don't show them you give a toss. ????

Yup I'd put money on one of the DH's too. I'm fairly certain a friendly acquaintance distanced herself from a few of us and is now quite frosty because her DH stirred things up following their break up.

Gator and Kerala, exactly. The group may have initially become friends with good intent, but over time some needy individuals hive together (for want of a better analogy) and exclude others. Excluded friend is now seen as problematic. This in turn validates their excluding behaviour, "Did you get that text from Nora, she's so needy, when is the penny going to drop?"

Classic mean girl behaviour.

As each unconciously or conciously strives to be most dominant/popular their behaviour becomes more obvious, which is why you didn't suspect anything initially, you just thought you were all good friends.

Asking for an explanation and closure merely indicates their success at excluding you. They will do it again, to someone else, it will be a rolling list of who is in/out of favour. Stay well clear.