Totally excluded from group of friends and no idea why

[nuttynittynora]

When DD started school 4 years ago I became friendly with 3 other mums; I'll call them Lucy, Jayne and Anna for this thread.

For 3 years we all got on well and had lots of meet ups with the kids, lots of nights out, barbecues at each others' houses and I thought we were all good friends. I was closest to Lucy out of them all as we live in the same road and so saw more of each other. We even went on holiday as a family with Lucy and her DH and children.

About a year ago I noticed that all 3 of them were, seemingly overnight, being quite offhand with me. It was nothing that I could specifically put my finger on, but I just felt less welcome in a group with them all and like they didn't want to talk to me. They would all claim to be busy whenever I suggested doing anything together. I gave them the benefit of the doubt as had no reason to think that they weren't busy.

Then one night a few weeks after this started I noticed that Lucy had put some pictures on Facebook titled 'A great night out with great friends', and it turned out that all 3 of them had been out to the cinema then for a meal and I hadn't been invited. I was upset but didn't want to appear needy and so I didn't say anything to them all. I decided to pretend that it doesn't bother me but it really does.

I have carried on being polite and friendly to them all when I see them but none of them invite me out anymore, and I feel with them all that they seem to think they need to avoid me at all costs. If I see any of them individually and speak to them they act all wide eyed and desperate to get away and keep looking around them. All of their husbands have de-friended me on Facebook.

They are all having regular nights out and often invite other school mums along, but never me. Even my next door neighbour gets invited!

I truly cannot think of anything that I could have done to cause such offence seemingly overnight to all 3 of them! I was a good friend to them all for 3 years and I'm really not the type of person to be gobby and outspoken and cause offence by being myself.

I know I should be getting over it by now but I noticed last night on FB they were all sharing poems on each others' walls about good friendships and valuing each other and I just felt sorry for myself.

Surprised that som many people are saying to ask them and ask them to be honest. Of course, it is possible in this scenario that Lucy will kindly fess up what's wrong. But doesn't that seem unlikely? You can only judge them on their past and present behaviour and they have behaved very underhandedly. Even if at worst, it was for some reason like a pp gave, that your husband had made a pass at one of them, still, their reaction is nasty and underhanded. If a husband of a friend made a pass at me I would not be telling everyone and them ostracising the wife, that is awful behaviour. These people are nasty and not upfront. The poster should turn away from them, a bright breast 'hello' when she sees them, big smile, move on...

I don't know what to suggest.

The ideal me would smile and wave, and be civil but no more.

The real me would be eaten up by not knowing why these so-called adults were behaving in such a cowardly way.

What do you want to do, OP? Can you live with not knowing?

Should be breeezy hello!

It sounds very cruel and I've had experience of similar, more than once. It must be very isolating and worse for having facebook stuff to rub your nose in it. I'd come off it if I was you and not torture yourself.

One time a group of neighbours who I had good relationships with, particularly one who I saw nearly every day....all turned away when my marriage ended. The ironic thing was not one of these was friendly to my H [as he was a manual worker! So shallow/judgmental]...yet took his 'side' in it all, when they had no idea of what had happened. I moved away.

Nasty people seem to find each other, nasty people have the mind set of 'ganging up' on passive others. Personally I'm glad they show who they are, it means I can move on easily as they have made the decision for me.

I never get involved in any type of group friendship any more. Fed up with being prey for certain personality types. Stick to relating one to one.

I can see the dignity in just walking away, but also wanting to have a logical explanation. Do what suits who you are. They are all cowards anyway so haven't the guts to tell the truth.

Is your husband on Facebook? If so, have the husbands blocked him, too?

The thing is, if you'd done something to upset one of them, she would blocked you on FB. She wouldn't want you to know about her life.

The fact they are happy for you to see what a wonderful time they're all having tells me they are just a bunch of bitches.

Such horrible behaviour. Childish, passive-aggressive, hurtful in the extreme.

You sound lovely, OP, and I think they are the ones with the problem, not you. I know it doesn't help the pain you feel right now, but chalk this one up to experience and find some new friends who are more on your wavelength (i.e. not complete bitches).

The same had happened to me at school, so a long time ago. When I asked the girls they did give me truthful answers about things that I had said to them but were neither rude nor insensitive and had no idea that they would get embarrassed I am the kind if person who hates to hurt other people's feelings!!!

In the meantime I got invited outwith them due to another nice girl but all this was superficial. In reality I was still excluded whenever it was possible for them to hide their meetings. Needless to say I cut all contact with them although we were in the same class. And no maths answers given to them anymore

Anyway, in time I realised that if they had considered me as a proper proper friend they wouldn't have got offended by what I had told them as they used to tell worse things to one another and it was just excuses. So I stopped bothering about them and anybody who was not worthy of me anymore. Needless to say that when in the future one of them tried to be close to me again because her other friend disappeared I couldn't be bothered, neither confirmed or denied my intentions, just couldn't be bothered as they hadn't bothered with me. I am not a dog that whenever my owner remembers my existence I run round wagging my tail in glee.

If I were you I would be dying to know the reasons and insist on getting answers but not by e-mail as they will organise behind your back to give you dishonest answers (if there are any chances for honest answers anyway). If you don't think you need any answers or you feel that they can't be bothered to let you know cut them out of your life and don't appear needy for anybody. Like PP have rightly said they will ignore others and cut them off too and it could be misunderstandings and lies spread about you from them or their husbands, even jealousy.

I think it would be very unlikely they would tell you the truth if you asked them. They would probably deny it and start being friendly again (just witnessed this with a friend who confronted two others and they are all falling over each other best buddies again.)

When I have seen someone start to get left out of a group it can be as simple as one person is a bit irritating or doesn't really fit in for some reason eg different interests.

I am in a group of friends and one person will never socialise in a certain area so has stopped being asked and I always have childcare problems so people give up and arrange things around me.

I'd probably post something like 'Friendship poems? Wow - makes me glad you lot are freezing me out. Lucky escape! Hope you all have a great summer, I know I will'.

They sound like they are still in the school playground! I would deactivate my Facebook account for a while. It sounds like they are posting all these things on Facebook for your benefit. I wouldn't bother asking them why they are behaving this way, I would just move on. I'd still be civil but it would be a case of hi and bye if I saw them.

That is awful. I've had versions of this happen to me too. I know it's hard but you must de-friend all of them on facebook too. Carry on being super polite in real life too.

I know that it would be nice to KNOW why they've suddenlly cut you off but I bet it wouldn't help. It'd be some reallly negative or mean-spirited interpretation of something you said or did where they gave you the opposite of the benefit.

Tiz weird that the husbands got involved in the de-friending as well. Imagine saying to their husbands, we aren't talking to her anymore, will you defriend her? and all of the husbands saying 'ok dear'

An untrue rumour about me went round my town about me and it was hard. I couldn't correct it without spreading it at the same time. So I have just had to learn to live with the fact that my friends know it's not true. Randomers, fuck them.

I'd ask outright. The younger me would have agonised and pondered while feeling like a crushed tin can.
The me of today would refuse to succumb to the humiliation that was being bestowed on me and would deflect it right back in the form of a totally unexpected and unabashed demand for an explanation.

"What's it all about? And please, do me the courtesy of telling the truth. I've been pointedly frozen out with no explanation and I'm at a loss. Enlighten me."

If she is so ninny headed and deceitful as to fob you off with uncertainties, excuses and lies, tell her if nothing else, she's done you a fucking favour. Life is too short to mourn over shitty friends.

Then genuinely move on. They sound like a bunch of twats. You weren't to know...but now you do.

It could be something really stupid.

A group of friends went cold on me, one friend in particular. Could not figure out the reason.

Friend confessed she had drunkenly asked her DH "if you'd have to have sex with one of my friends, who would you choose?!" He refused to answer, then in the end picked me (using the make logic that as I was her best friend, am not flirty, so quite "safe", she'd mind less.) she was furious and shouted at him:"what?! babyganoush? But she's got no tits! She is too tall. She is not even prettier than me!".

She started calling me no-tits-ganoush, and dropped me as a friend and told our other friends her DH fancied me, and that was a problem.

How stupid was all that?!

Whatever their reason is (if there is one), they are behaving like irritating teenage girls, so I suggest you go to an appropriate source for ideas: www.amazon.co.uk/Queen-Bees-Wannabes-boyfriends-realities/dp/0749924373/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1437991858&sr=1-1&keywords=queen+bees+%26+wannabes

I like pictish 's approach if you're going to ask for a reason. A text which acknowledges that there's no coming back out of the shade, but just, do me the courtesy of telling me why.

I wouldn't write anything like "i really value your friendship....". Nope. Pictish's "so, it's clear I'm out of the gang, so be it, just one thing, why?''
that hits a more dignified note imo

Lucy sounds a bitch, putting the photos up on fb so that you would SEE them. I'd actually approach one of the others.

And as you're married, is it possible your husband was too flirty or said something sexist? Would they turn on you because of something he said or did?

ps, and I'd try and catch at least two of them together so that they can't blame the one who's not present, can't over embellish the encounter in the re-telling.

BabyGanoush This also happened to me. For some reason a friend of mine asked her husband if he hadn't married her who would he have married instead.

Unbeknown to me, as I was 80 miles away and knew nothing of the conversation, he said me.

When we next met she told me and was quite abrupt with me as if it had anything to do with me! I only saw them a couple of times afterwards, her whole attitude to me changed.

I also agree with etKrusTe that Pictish's approach is perfect

But as I said I would be dying to find out as I can't stand people sustaining untrue and unfair opinions about me!! I always now refute them. How dare they!!

Did you share a Britain First/Daily Mail post on FB?

i also thought it might be something to do with one of their DHwhen i read your post.. at the end of it though you're obviously a lovely person, they;re not so they don't deserve your friendship anyway. Find new friends op, forget about them and let them get on with it

*typing with one hand!

You know what I wouldn't ask. I see why you would want to but think you may regret it. Shows you care.

Move on. Make an effort with your own projects/ other people. Ignore them right back.

Success is the best revenge. Cheerful. Straight forward. Fun with a new group. Whenever I have felt slighted I react by asking new people to dinner. Start a new clique or just enjoy your family.

It's shit op though. It's not you it's them. Weak straw people bonded by ganging up against you.

I wouldn't ask, either. I'd block them and ignore them.

Horrible women - take their enjoyment out of it by showing you really don't care.