I am the OW

[headinthesand55]

I have been having an affair with a man for 4 years - with it getting most serious within the last 10-12 months.

I have known about his girlfriend from the beginning. She has found out on a few odd occasions and we have stopped once or twice but we both always go back to each other. I think the initial stages for him were just a bit of fun but he has recently admitted about 3 months ago how he realises how much I mean to him and how he thinks about leaving home every day to be with me.

We have just spent a night away together in a hotel and it was amazing. We both said I love you a few months back and he is absolutely lovely to me and makes me very happy. But obviously, he still hasn't left her. He has a holiday booked with her and mentioned it last night so I know he still plans on being with her in a few months when they go.

I just cannot bring myself to end it with him even thought I know what I am doing is wrong.

He makes me feel amazing and so happy, and I miss him incredibly when we aren't together and he says the same. He has been part of my life for 4 years and I know him very well, but I know I cannot go on for another 4 like this!

Do I give him an outright ultimatum? I know most people on here will say he won't leave her, and I think deep down that is true. However, a mutual friend of ours recently found out her boyfriend was having an affair and he was going on about how she should get shut of him and not stay with him just because they own a house together. He too owns a house with his girlfriend.

Do I tell him exactly how I feel and ask what his plans are? Earlier in the week he said he doesn't know what he is doing with his life and it's a mess.

Dear All Mistresses Everywhere,

There is a set script that your married/partnered man will say to you. "I can't wait to be with you/she just doesn't listen to me/understand me anymore/you mean so much to me/I think about you all the time/I'm just waiting for her to realise it's over/she always nags me (yells at me/is crazy blah blah blah) etc. Oh, also, if you tell him "I miss you so much when we're apart" etc, he will also say something like "me too".

You know what though? If he "loved" you soooo much, if he was such a lovely decent human being, he would not be HAVING SEX WITH YOU BOTH, plus God knows who else, at the same time. He would end it with one of you. But he doesn't, because he's a cowardly scumbag. I will give you a pointer. Men LOVE their egos being stroked (amongst other things). They LOVE the attention from another woman, because it confirms their supreme manliness at being able to attract more than one woman at a time. They are also COWARDS, because they will not end it with the mistress because they simply can't bring themselves to end the free sex. Do yourselves a favour. Leave them before they destroy your hearts even more. Leave them before you help to destroy someone elses heart with your lack of decency. If he truly, truly loves you, truly wants to be with you, as painful as it is for him he will end it with the other woman.

It would also be advisable to go and get checked for sexually transmittable diseases.

He doesn't like you enough to be your partner. Just enough to fuck you and leave, going back to the poor cow who's built a life with him (more fool her)
He's no prize, is he?
And you're not someone he wants to have a full relationship and life with.
He wants her for that. You are just - well you know what you are to him even if you don't admit it. To put it crudely, youre a warm hole.
That's all a mistress is to a shitty adulter
Don't you think you're worth more than that?
I think every woman is worth more than to be a bit player in someone else's life.

The trouble is he hasn't got any sense of reality has he?

A pig is unable to take his snout out of the chocolate box. Lol

Get yourself a real man, and put your boundaries in place.

Bizarre that the OP hasn't been back now isn't it...

I suppose its difficult to read what people generally think of those who have affairs.
We all like to think of ourselves as decent people and I guess its difficult if you read that's not how people see you.

It is easy to reject others opinions of you.

In this instance the poster may find it very difficult to dismiss her lover's opinion/treatment of her, because he is fundamentally an abuser. And even he in the back of his mind knows this.

You and his girlfriend will need support to free yourselves of this man. He has spent many months/years grooming two women. It's more than likely that there will be a bad breakup, because he will not admit that he is in the wrong, and there won't be "closure" in this situation.

Why are you trying to minimise their relationship by referring to her as his 'girlfriend', when they live together and own a house together?

It sounds like you're in denial

Yes, give him an ultimatum. This will more than likely mean he'll dump you and concentrate on his unlucky Partner.

^And you're not someone he wants to have a full relationship and life with.
He wants her for that. You are just - well you know what you are to him even if you don't admit it. To put it crudely, youre a warm hole.^

Yes, at the end of the day, most OW are nothing more than warm holes.
Brilliant!

But also kind of sad

Perhaps the whole party in this should make themselves equal to him, that is his girlfriend should find another boyfriend, and the OW should find herself a boyfriend. Make it a level playing field then.

After all what's sauce for the gander, is sauce for the goose.

It's so depressing when OW threads trot out the empty cliches they're used to hearing and spinning. 'It's not all black and white!' Is always one. Except in cases of liars it is. I hope the OP gets frequent STI checks while this farce is ongoing. Personally I wouldn't be giving any kind of sex to a man who is a liar, and has another woman (and women plural)'s secretions on him. It's just unhygienic and classless.

It's always the 'I was manipulated, I was feeling low and he took advantage'.

Talk about trying to absolve of responsibility. That wouldn't wash if the man said it it doesn't wash (to me) if a woman says it either.

Are you an OOW (other other woman) to the man in the OP Looby?

Loobyloo, I hope one day you have enough self respect to not get involved with lying, creepy men who hurt their partners and children.

Wishing you all the best.

Lovely attitude to have. I could not be arsed being with a 'double dipper'.

Loobylou, yes quite clearly you have got a very low opinion of your own self worth and I too do not give a shit.

I doubt you will be grinning when your are dumped or replaced though

boke at double dipper

Nah I'm a diffrent ow all together nothing to do with OP. People do things for all kinds of reasons. I don't think it's fair to judge but everyone is entitled to there opinion. I happen to have a very happy history with mine. It works for us so hey ho

Looby

Not working for the OP though is it? Any advice or did you just come on here to get a rise? (pardon the pun)

Yarp, I wouldn't encourage it. I wonder if people like her would be so fucking smug in front of my children who are broken by the actions of my STBXH and his infidelity. What a twat.

Why don't you think you should be judged?

Loonyloo, it works for you. And him. Double dipper gorgeous man (spew).

Do you think it works for his wife? His children?

Peachy.

'I'm the ow too and I don't give a shit. Stick that In your pipe and smoke it '

How embarrassing for you, Loobylou,to have to admit you aren't enough for the man you are involved with.