I am the OW

[headinthesand55]

I have been having an affair with a man for 4 years - with it getting most serious within the last 10-12 months.

I have known about his girlfriend from the beginning. She has found out on a few odd occasions and we have stopped once or twice but we both always go back to each other. I think the initial stages for him were just a bit of fun but he has recently admitted about 3 months ago how he realises how much I mean to him and how he thinks about leaving home every day to be with me.

We have just spent a night away together in a hotel and it was amazing. We both said I love you a few months back and he is absolutely lovely to me and makes me very happy. But obviously, he still hasn't left her. He has a holiday booked with her and mentioned it last night so I know he still plans on being with her in a few months when they go.

I just cannot bring myself to end it with him even thought I know what I am doing is wrong.

He makes me feel amazing and so happy, and I miss him incredibly when we aren't together and he says the same. He has been part of my life for 4 years and I know him very well, but I know I cannot go on for another 4 like this!

Do I give him an outright ultimatum? I know most people on here will say he won't leave her, and I think deep down that is true. However, a mutual friend of ours recently found out her boyfriend was having an affair and he was going on about how she should get shut of him and not stay with him just because they own a house together. He too owns a house with his girlfriend.

Do I tell him exactly how I feel and ask what his plans are? Earlier in the week he said he doesn't know what he is doing with his life and it's a mess.

MrsC, your experiences sound horrendous and I hope you manage to find some kind of resolution to them for your sake and for your DC's. I am sure I wouldn't have referred to your situation if I'd known more about it.

One thing that struck me about what you said was my little boy has been denied the support he should have had from his father in respect of his autism because OW declared that I was "attention seeking and only wishing to claim DLA". To my mind, your DS doesn't have support from his father, because his father can't or won't give it. Any man can support his DCs if he wants, no matter what OW says. This mindset is part of the OW blame game and not seeing men as responsible for their actions, sexual or otherwise.

PattyCakes, I appreciate your comments, thank you. What I would say is that I believe my husband is also autistic. OW is much older that him and very controlling. She changed his hair, his clothes, I could go on and on. He has put on around 5 stone since he left. He now has a alcohol problem but was teetotal before he left here. OW is also quite a heavy drinker I am given to understand. OW runs a business where he clients are children. She could not have the "slight" of being seen to be involved with a child who had additional needs and indeed that she had had an affair with his father. Hence, she was foul about him. To that end, my husband denied ever even being at the referral appointment, he told everybody that OW said I was "attention seeking". and she was able to "diagnose" my DS because she was a hairdresser with a CRB check. He refused to be involved in any of the processes and did everything possible ie : contacting nursery etc, to "prove" there was nothing wrong with my son. He came to the diagnostic appointment to "prove me wrong" and "them right". I am fighting to keep my DS away from OW as I think she is a danger to him. So, yes, I do blame her. Yes, I agree he could have stood up to her, but the fact is, he doesn't. He is equally to blame and could have stood by me in terms of our son. He has refused to attend the autism courses because she can't bear us being in the same room. It's weird and frightening and I will no doubt have to deal with their twisted shit forevermore....

Text fan - one of the other women in our case - was a rspevictim, she'd been through hell. Even she apologised for being an idiot and accepted her part in the whole sorry disaster. I don't accept her apology nor his but at least she didn't have the gal to try and justify and minimise.

MrsC cases like yours make me shudder nobody would blame you for blocking contact and yet the courts seem hell bent on inflicting these idiots on children

I know that my DH's OW was a single beautiful , young, popular and funny woman. A trust fund baby with no financial worries. On a personal level I didn't know her anymore than that.

I do know that she issued an ultimatum to my Dh - that she would not be his OW , he had to leave me for her to have full time .
As a result they planned my DDay , she booked off work for him to move in and he told me he was leaving.

So, up until the point he told her he wasn't leaving me and they were over she was happy for the affair and the deceit that went with it.

Then , 'suddenly' he was a lying,deceitful, hurtful bastard.

Words I couldn't argue with.
BUT the fucking irony.....

OW knew he was married , so what - he only became those things when he broke his promises to her, not me?

I say that if you choose to be in a relationship with a married / attached man ; you are choosing a relationship where you 'know' there will be tears and hurt as a given. I was angry that she was prepared for those tears to be mine and my kids - but not hers.

Why would you choose to live like that?

Fuzzywuzzy... being the victim of db back them was the reason my mind set was as it was. No logic, not knowing whether I was coming or going. Numb and scared. Being a past victim of dv.. no I do not think it gives me the right to behave how I want.

It didn't give me the right before .... but it was the reason.

Fair enough, I sincerely hope you're in a better place now Never.

I say that if you choose to be in a relationship with a married / attached man ; you are choosing a relationship where you 'know' there will be tears and hurt as a given. I was angry that she was prepared for those tears to be mine and my kids - but not hers

That.

Pausing, every word you say resonates. Thank you also for your post on the other place...and you'll understand why I am not responding to anything on there given my decision to withdraw. I so appreciate it .

I think if you choose to have a relationship with someone else's partner then you choose to think very little of yourself because who would want to play second fiddle other than someone with no self respect?

I personally would not stand for being an ow simply because I know I deserve better and am worth more than that. Any man who wants me would have to show me that he thinks I am worthy of respect. Any person who disrespects their partner by cheating is going to follow pattern no matter who the partner because they are fundamentally disrespectful.

All the other stuff that comes along - deceit, manipulation, adultery, hurt, drama - all utterly avoidable symptoms of people who choose to disrespect each other and themselves - lizard brains at their worst. A partner who cheats at one thing will also be more predisposed to cheat at everything else so adultery easily ends up accompanying abuse, lies, theft, violence etc.

I want decent kind people in my life and choose to make it so, I pity those who don't and avoid the drama junkies at all costs.

"I think if you choose to have a relationship with someone else's partner then you choose to think very little of yourself because who would want to play second fiddle other than someone with no self respect?"

Some people are just happy to have fuckbuddy style relationships just for the sex and a bit of fun without wanting anything deeper. That was the case for the woman I mentioned above. She just wanted to have sex inbetween her proper relationships, and wasn't particularly concerned whether her current FB was attached or not.

Ex friend chose to be the OW because she wanted to 'win', it was a competition for her she wanted MM to 'fight' for her and leave his wife and kids for her because it somehow gave her validation.... She is now rather put out that the exwife & stepDC haven't conveniently disappeared and her now DH still wants to be involved with his kids and won't move far away from them & is currently embroiled in a very contentious divorce which looks set to him splitting assets. She's rather affronted DH won't forget them, keep the money & keep her and her DC (from a former marriage) in the manner she would like to become accustomed to.

I pointed out being an exwife herself she knew exactly how it would turn out.

She's not a horrible person. But she is spectacularly selfish and will take advantage of everyone in her wake given a half chance. And she is always always the 'victim'.

I'm letting that friendship drift. I cannot condone her actuons

fuzzywuzzy...I had to laugh, she sounds exactly like the OW in my case. Maybe she is....

No she's not MrsC, she is a teacher tho and the DH despite being a complete arse to his exwife is attempting to be fair in the divorce settlement and trying to maintain a relationship with his DC.

I think he will spend a lifetime regretting his actions. No fuck is worth losing a marriage over. And I've seen how ex friend utterly flips out. She is deeply damaged from her abusive previous relationship and the the loss of both her parents at a young age.

Doesn't validate her behaviour, I can see why she's acting the way she is. But my god the pain and havoc she's causing so many innocent people in her wake.

She got with her DH by 'advising' him about his terrible marriage!

Gosh Fuzzy, it all sounds so achingly familiar...! Although in my case my husband was being "helpful and supportive" to the new widow apparently...rather than helpful and supportive to me and his toddler son. Oh they are just vile, all of them, I sincerely hope that they reap what they sow. So much pain...

Just adding in another perspective here...
What if a marriage has got to a point where it's died, there's no real communication apart from about the children, there's no sex / physical contact, separate bedrooms and just spending time as a family?
If a father doesn't want to separate and leave his children and end up seeing them only for 4 days a month so has an affair, what then?

MrCJ

Well if he and his wife agreed the marriage was over but they wanted to continue living as a family for financial and child reasons then maybe they could discuss having other relationships outside the family unit.

This is fraught with problems but at least neither party is being lied to and both have options.

The problems would magnify if either did find another and became emotionally attached. Prospective partners would probably have difficulty with trust issues as well.

But what if the marriage is never discussed so never agreed it's over?
What if the husband wants intimacy and communication that he hasn't had for years and finds that with someone else but doesn't want to leave his dc and know the mother will make it difficult for him to see them?

MrCj

Are we talking about your own situation here?

I still maintain you have to talk to her first. Obviously there is mediation or relate as options. If you don't talk what sort of role models are you for the children?

I'm not trying to be harsh. I know how difficult some people can be but you have to at least try to communicate even if you write your feelings and give her the letter. Is there a family member or friend who gets on with you both?

I do know a couple who live like this. Their children are now at university and the couple are friends although they sleep separately. I don't think they openly have other partners though.

I'm just trying to show another perspective.
If you're not even friends and someone refuses to discuss it or change anything and you don't want to leave your children, what do you do?

MrCJ, if the husband wants 'an intimacy that he hasn't known for years' then he has to find a way of communicating that to his wife and, if reconciliation is not possible, leave.

Yes he will see less of his DC but his right to see them is protected in law and it is unlikely to just be four days per month.

In my view it would be a healthier option than having a furtive affair that, when discovered, would blow the family apart and may result in estrangement from his DC anyway, disapproval from friends and family and so on.

It is also healthier than living in an unhappy marriage and setting that example to the DC.

Affairs never make things better IME.

Another perspective is those wives whose husbands have impotence (more than you might expect). They may well be missing "an intimacy not known for years".

I still maintain honesty and communication are the best way of working through problems.

I do know another couple who live without intimacy. Not his choice but he will never leave because of the children and he likes his wife as a friend. However he did approach me with the idea of becoming more than friends. Sadly that ended my friendship with him as I didn't want to encourage him and I will never do that to another woman. I know how it hurts.

"If you're not even friends and someone refuses to discuss it or change anything and you don't want to leave your children, what do you do?"

If someone refuses to discuss it you don't discuss it, you present a fait accompli. IME when someone says' Oh I tried to talk about it' what they really mean is they get upset, sulked a bit, mentioned it once, sulked some more and then gave up. OK, perhaps I am talking about my H here but I suspect a great many more people are closet conflict avoiders than would admit to it. I don't think that many spouses, faced with a direct statement such as 'I am so unhappy I am thinking of leaving/having an affair' would simply refuse to engage either to address the problem or agree to a seperation.

Fuzzywuzzy, your ex friend is a horrible person absolutely.