I am the OW

[headinthesand55]

I have been having an affair with a man for 4 years - with it getting most serious within the last 10-12 months.

I have known about his girlfriend from the beginning. She has found out on a few odd occasions and we have stopped once or twice but we both always go back to each other. I think the initial stages for him were just a bit of fun but he has recently admitted about 3 months ago how he realises how much I mean to him and how he thinks about leaving home every day to be with me.

We have just spent a night away together in a hotel and it was amazing. We both said I love you a few months back and he is absolutely lovely to me and makes me very happy. But obviously, he still hasn't left her. He has a holiday booked with her and mentioned it last night so I know he still plans on being with her in a few months when they go.

I just cannot bring myself to end it with him even thought I know what I am doing is wrong.

He makes me feel amazing and so happy, and I miss him incredibly when we aren't together and he says the same. He has been part of my life for 4 years and I know him very well, but I know I cannot go on for another 4 like this!

Do I give him an outright ultimatum? I know most people on here will say he won't leave her, and I think deep down that is true. However, a mutual friend of ours recently found out her boyfriend was having an affair and he was going on about how she should get shut of him and not stay with him just because they own a house together. He too owns a house with his girlfriend.

Do I tell him exactly how I feel and ask what his plans are? Earlier in the week he said he doesn't know what he is doing with his life and it's a mess.

Looby - let's hope he has a shower between shagging each of you or that's her you're tasting when you suck his cock. Grim.

TheFormidableMrsC

Sadly for Looby it doesn't sound like she's capable of empathy.

As long as it works for her and she's happy, why should she care if her actions hurt others....?

Selfish. Like all people who cheat.

OP, you don't seem to have a firm grip on reality. This man likes having sex with you. If he wanted to be with you for real, he would have married you by now. You'd be living in your home together. Maybe you'd have a baby. But no, you are a shag on the side, the GF is being emotionally abused at the very least.

He isn't married, he could marry you right away if he actually wanted to. But he doesn't. It is not difficult to sell a jointly owned house. Why can you not see that your "relationship" with him is nothing. In the unlikely event you end up with him (properly), how will you cope sitting at home worrying about him shagging all and sundry. Maybe you will be out of shape with a clingy baby and he will "need" to go and have sex with someone like the original you.

I know someone who was the OW and waited and waited for her married man to leave his wife. Every time she assessed the situation, she thought she'd just need to wait a little longer, soon they'd be together. She waited 30 years. Wasted her fertile years on him. Then she got seriously ill in her 50s. Well he couldn't be arsed with that shit, he dumped her upon diagnosis!

OP please put this damaging chapter of your life behind you. Improve your life and ditch him. It's all so sad.

Oh the goady ones come on to get a rise. I couldn't give a shit about you either Looby. Or 'my' other woman. I massively give a shit about my children's distress though. Twat indeed.

Jones quite...

sempereadem1

Sales in these set to go through the roof

MrsC and Semp - with mummies who are clearly feisty tigeresses, your DCs will be just fine, I suspect.

And I do not say that to minimise.

"It works for us so hey ho"

Who is 'us'?

You and the cheater?

Or does it included betrayed spouse/s and all DC?

Or have they yet to have thier say on it?

Thanks TheFormidableMrsC

Thanks Wide I appreciate that

no Loobyloo, it's not fair to judge dirty low life who happily screw other peoples men

Me too wideopenspace Faking it till I make it.

It genuinely baffles me why single women are happy to be the OW. Even if you argue they're selfish, have no moral compass etc, I can't understand why anyone would be interested in playing second fiddle. If you went out on a first date and he said "oh by the way, I have a wife/partner but I can still see you in secret occasionally when I get the chance" you wouldn't be saying OOH YES PLEASE would you? Why would anyone be happy to accept the scraps of attention they're willing to throw under the table every now and then? It can't be because they truly believe they'll leave, if they wanted to they would have done it already. The only answer I can think of is that these women are just addicted to drama. Including posting dramatic threads on Mumsnet declaring "I am the OW". It feeds the addiction while, like others have said, the cheater is busy with their real partner and real life.

I was told a few years ago that someone I know (not well, but well enough to chat to occasionally at a hobby I do) has been having an affair with a married man for 20 years.

She's early 50s. Has no children and has always been 'single'.

She is lovely. Always says hello, chats, is interested in other people's lives, always asks about my kids and gushes over photos of them.

I wonder if she's genuinely happy.

I honestly doubt it.

Very sad.

20 years of weekends on her own. 20 years of Christmases without the man she thinks she loves... :-/ And thinks loves her. God knows if his wife knows and tacitly accepts it...

In some ways I don't judge her. But I do think what an utter waste of her life....

But maybe I'm wrong, eh? Maybe she doesn't look back with regrets on what could have been of her life...

Please don't get your knickers in a twist about it women. Each to there own and all that. And to the 1 who said 'hope he showers inbetween' yes he does lol!!!!!!

You need to get some self respect. No wonder he doesn't take you seriously. You are just an easy lay to him. He's using you and I actually feel sorry for you. Find a man that actually wants you.

Sorry ladies I must confess. I was winding you up. Terrible I know but was trying to prove a point to a friend re mumsnet. I won lol

Loobyloo15

Looby, you really are vile. If you had any idea of the pain and anguish these situations cause, particularly to the children almost always involved, you wouldn't be such an utterly nasty bitch and put "lol" at the end of your latest post. Please go away.

^^only response to that ODFOD!

That was to LL

Proving a point that if you wind people up, they will get wound up, and/or assume you're a troll?

What a relevation!

alphabook I think that there are those who have no hope of having a normal relationship so take whatever scraps they can get. "My" OW being a case in point. Much older than my husband, a recent widow, she saw "toyboy", he saw money and a lifestyle that he couldn't be arsed to work for. I am given to understand he was quite happy to have his cake and eat it but she issued an ultimatum and promised him all sorts. He took it. He has, however, lost everything, family, friends, we had a 2 year old when he left, a baby he begged me to have in my forties after 11 years of marriage. He sees him twice a week. He is now hugely overweight, has an alcohol problem, has been dragged through the courts by me in terms of finances, has lost everything he worked for. Every bit of the shit he inflicted on us shows in his now ugly, yellow, bloated face. I sincerely hope that the grass is greener for him . I pity him really, he couldn't come to terms with the fact that his autistic son took up a little bit too much of my time and hence he wasn't the centre of attention 24/7. Unfortunately, he was also having sex with me right up until he left (told OW that we hadn't had sex "in years", yawn). STI tests are unpleasant...

Apologies