I am the OW

[headinthesand55]

I have been having an affair with a man for 4 years - with it getting most serious within the last 10-12 months.

I have known about his girlfriend from the beginning. She has found out on a few odd occasions and we have stopped once or twice but we both always go back to each other. I think the initial stages for him were just a bit of fun but he has recently admitted about 3 months ago how he realises how much I mean to him and how he thinks about leaving home every day to be with me.

We have just spent a night away together in a hotel and it was amazing. We both said I love you a few months back and he is absolutely lovely to me and makes me very happy. But obviously, he still hasn't left her. He has a holiday booked with her and mentioned it last night so I know he still plans on being with her in a few months when they go.

I just cannot bring myself to end it with him even thought I know what I am doing is wrong.

He makes me feel amazing and so happy, and I miss him incredibly when we aren't together and he says the same. He has been part of my life for 4 years and I know him very well, but I know I cannot go on for another 4 like this!

Do I give him an outright ultimatum? I know most people on here will say he won't leave her, and I think deep down that is true. However, a mutual friend of ours recently found out her boyfriend was having an affair and he was going on about how she should get shut of him and not stay with him just because they own a house together. He too owns a house with his girlfriend.

Do I tell him exactly how I feel and ask what his plans are? Earlier in the week he said he doesn't know what he is doing with his life and it's a mess.

I'm not a troll.

Always I luffs that song.

I hope it doesn't give you earworms though. Earworms are nasty.

.

Fair play for your having guts to post on here as OW.

My XH recently split up with the OW. 2 months later he met somebody else. I was happy for him as OW was a psycho (Jeremy Kyle would have torn her a new one).

However it was shortlived as on the second date with the new one, the psycho turned up at the pub he was at!! Needless to say she shouted and screamed, and this poor woman just said she did not want to be part of it and left; I mean we would all do the same.

Bizarrely the psycho then rang me!!!!! Sobbing down the phone; I could not bring myself to be nasty so I ended the call quick. Cutting a long story short, because of some texts that were sent to XH (we get on brilliantly now), I did end up texting her saying "its called karma darling, now you know how i felt when you fucked my husband, serves you right". I did feel satisfaction sending it.

What I am trying to say here is please don't be the person that ends up receiving those messages from his GF, be it now, or be it if he leaves her for you, then you for someone else.

Get out while you can and be happy with somebody that is yours and yours alone x

Ewwwww.

Vile

if this is real, then all I have to say is how do you deal with the fact he's fucking you both?

Do you ever picture him fucking his real girlfriend, OP?

What a way to live your life.

I'm glad that you know what you're doing is wrong. Hopefully you'll also realise that no advice can be clever enough to make a wrong situation turn out right. You're obviously nearing the end of your tether and I understand that. Perhaps the person you need to give an ultimatum to is you. Here's what I would say to myself: 'End it now or be prepared to spend the rest of your life in this position.' Because there is nothing you can do that will lever this bloke into leaving his girlfriend. If he really loves you, he can contact you again when he is single. If he doesn't, then he wouldn't leave his girlfriend for you anyway.

Yes just issue the ultimatum and be ready to walk away.

If he wanted to be with you he would. Move on.

What do you want. A medal?

I can't help but wonder why someone posts as the OP does and then disappears...

It's almost a form of 'self flagellation' .

Possibly, you would be better of booking in with a counsellor.

sigh.
some things just never change do they?
and some women are just happy to take it up the jacksie.
carry on OP.
do what you want.
you're just another bit on the side.

Agree with last few posters x

so if this is real what are you expecting here?

You know he won't leave her, and if he does how long until he is doing the same to you?
Why would anyone knowingly be a bit on the side for 4 years, I don't get it.
Can't imagine how proud your parents must be.

He isnt married - you are not his mistress. He just shags you on the side as his other girlfriend. Dont waste your time on him love

I'm a regular on here but have name changed as I'm about to make a confession!!

I too was OW. I feel that some people see things as black and white on here, when actually things are not always that clearly compartmentalised.

For the record, I was cheated on by my ex. Numerous times. It was awful, heart wrenching and soul destroying. I'm not justifying all affairs nor am I saying that any woman deserves that kind of deceit.

However, in my case I was in an intense long term abusive relationship. 'My' OM 'rescued' me from that. I had an affair for a year then finally found the core to leave my ex OM set me up getting a new place and helping me get started up. On my finances - not his. True to form, he never left his partner. and found a new OW when he got bored. Massive lesson learned followed by absolute heartbreak .

My point, is that I was too vulnerable, and niave to see just 'how' wrong what I was doing really was. OM knew I was vulnerable and took advantage. I see that now. But at the time I was so low and sad. He came along at my lowest point and made me feel there was hope. I blocked his partner and child out because I wanted to believe they lived like brother and sister like he claimed I know different now of course.

Sorry if I've hijacked this thread. It's just I know I'm not a terrible person. He came a long at the lowest point in my life and made me feel hopeful. I'm in a better place now. I can honestly say I would never become OW again. It is wrong of course. But I have the confidence and self esteem to know my worth and the compassion for other people. I lacked all of that by living with an abusive ex for so many years.

Ah neverwhatitseems it must have taken a lot for you to confess to that.

I do agree things are never black and white all the time, although in this instance I fear they are sadly.

Everybody makes mistakes, we are all human and at least you can admit to what you have done and to also ensure you would never ever get yourself in that situation again.

Sorry to hear you had an abusive relationship but yaay to getting out of it, albeit not by a conventional way

Nobodys perfect x

Do you know what- ^ whatever!

I (personally) believe that everyone has a fundamental core knowledge of what's 'right' and what's 'wrong'. A few exceptions might be psychopaths and narcissistic personalities.

Just because you have been in an abusive relationship, that does not give you Carte Blanche to transfer your behaviour, and therefore excuse atrocious behaviour.

Perhaps you should have got out before you wandered...

Intended for notwhatitseems

That is your view Lacoba66 and you are entitled to it but (I say gently so as not to be offensive), it doesn't make it the "right" view and that other views are wrong.

I also don't think we can comment (for want of a better word) on anyone elses situation unless we have been there ourselves? Don't get me wrong I am not condoning it at all, just saying that it is true - life isn't always as straightforward as it seems (we can only wish it was). Whilst like you I don't agree with it, I can see how being vulnerable can lead you into something you would otherwise not do. Perhaps others would agree?

Many factors can overshadow core knowledge and occasionally some things really are beyond our control, not justified I know.

At least that is how I see it. My view is not right or wrong, it is just my personal take on it. x

You're living in a fantasy world. Its a greener grass thing. Even if he did leave his gf the life you want would never achieve your expectations. He will be lying constantly to his girlfriend and will do/is currently doing this to you. He isnt respecting you, this is a must in a relationship.

I would walk away before he really hurts you.

I have recently found out that my twat exH shagged someone else. When speaking to the OW as to her involvement in the destruction of my family, she cited being in a bad relationship where she had been controlled. This led her to make a bad choice. I understand the not coming from a good place argument. However, having found out that they slept unprotected and he has destroyed my faith in people, what I am NOT doing is sleeping with someone elses partner/husband as I am in a bad place!

What I am trying to say, is why if hurt/damaged by a relationship, why actively play a part in hurting someone else? Im at quite a low ebb right now but just wouldn't dream of it. I'm with Lacoba66