I am the OW

[headinthesand55]

I have been having an affair with a man for 4 years - with it getting most serious within the last 10-12 months.

I have known about his girlfriend from the beginning. She has found out on a few odd occasions and we have stopped once or twice but we both always go back to each other. I think the initial stages for him were just a bit of fun but he has recently admitted about 3 months ago how he realises how much I mean to him and how he thinks about leaving home every day to be with me.

We have just spent a night away together in a hotel and it was amazing. We both said I love you a few months back and he is absolutely lovely to me and makes me very happy. But obviously, he still hasn't left her. He has a holiday booked with her and mentioned it last night so I know he still plans on being with her in a few months when they go.

I just cannot bring myself to end it with him even thought I know what I am doing is wrong.

He makes me feel amazing and so happy, and I miss him incredibly when we aren't together and he says the same. He has been part of my life for 4 years and I know him very well, but I know I cannot go on for another 4 like this!

Do I give him an outright ultimatum? I know most people on here will say he won't leave her, and I think deep down that is true. However, a mutual friend of ours recently found out her boyfriend was having an affair and he was going on about how she should get shut of him and not stay with him just because they own a house together. He too owns a house with his girlfriend.

Do I tell him exactly how I feel and ask what his plans are? Earlier in the week he said he doesn't know what he is doing with his life and it's a mess.

Assuming this is genuine ... This man does not love and respect either of you women. If he did, I truly believe he wouldn't treat you both the way he does.
He won't leave home to be with you. If he truly, genuinely loved you he would have left a long time ago. If he genuinely, truly loved his partner, he would have left you.
He has his cake and eats it. He will do this for as long as you let him.
If you truly believe his feelings are genuine, end it. If he loves you, he will come for you.

Also, in terms of your behaviour. I can't actually believe you can be a part of this. It's really quite despicable that you can be a knowing and wilful participant in a betrayal like this

Does it make you feel amazing and loved knowing that he is happily living, having sex with and publicly acknowledging another women as his girlfriend?

Does it make you feel special, wanted and appreciated to know that whilst professing to love and care about you he is having a whole seperate, deceitful life away from you?

Does four years of your life actively seeking to steal another women's scumbag partner make you feel good about yourself?

These are serious questions to ask yourself, because they are the reality of your situation.

op you should really raise your standards when it comes to men, maybe work on that, there are better men out there who are not so willing to lie to you. Don't get so stuck on a man who is stringing you and his wife and who knows how many other women along for years and years. For gods sake have some respect for yourself woman.

How old are you? Do you have children? I really think you need to give it more time. Maybe you could waitress at their wedding and have a quickie in the back alley. I'd at least wait till your fertile years are behind you before you consider getting some morals.

"He's moving one sock a week",

You obviously have no respect for yourself to be going along with this, but perhaps you could have a bit if respect for his partner. Doesn't it occur to you that she may have a right to know that the man she lives with was having sex in a hotel with you before going home and sleeping with her? Just ugh.

he is absolutely lovely to me and makes me very happy. and then goes home and shags someone else and is lovely to them and makes them very happy until he feels an urge to shag me again

He sounds like a keeper .

I hope you find the resolve to work on your self-respect and cut off contact with him. Astonishing that you've been someone's bit on the side for 4 years.

Is anyone else on another thread where a woman has discovered texts dating back to 4 years between her partner and an OW

Inthebox I was thinking the same thing

inthebox I was JUST thinking that. The strikey out bit.

You need to tell him to contact you when he's single. Actually, properly single.

And that will be shit. So, here's the plan:

Identify 3 things you like doing (for eg yoga, baking and wine)
Plan how you will positively fill your time with these things:
Yoga twice a week
Cookery school or baking for your team at work, learning a new thing to bake each week
Meeting a friend for a wine tasting tour of where you live, over a series of weeks (rather than in an all night binge )

Then tell him. DELETE DELETE DELETE contacts.

Then do the other stuff, relentlessly, even when you just feel like crying. If there are gaps in your schedule, fill them. Re acquaint yourself with your friends (bet you've drifted...). Make new friends.

Give it 6 months, you'll be in a better place.

How would you feel if he WAS your partner and some OW was doing this to you? If it has gone on for 4 years he has no intention of leaving IMO. Even if he did, the old adage of "once a cheater always a cheater" and there is no guarantee after a few years with you, that he won't hook up with yet another OW when he gets bored (which is probably the case here).

Get out of this situation and find yourself a single man x

Inthebox yes there is = I was just thinking that myself tbh, seems a bit of a coincidence??xx

I hope it all works out for you both. You deserve eachother and his girlfriend a chance at real love and honesty.

Ye know what gets me about shit like this is not so much that someone will cheat, man or woman, but that there are people out there willing to be the other person. In this case a woman willing to aide and abet in this shithead's nasty scheme. I don't feel one but sorry for you.

Wish there was an edit button after you have posted!

TheTravellingLemon this made me chuckle :)

I hate women like you. Karma is a B&£!&. Remember that. I hope his girlfriend leaves him and finds someone 1,000,000 times better than you pair of scumbags.

He's having his cake and eating it.

Why would he not? He'll never leave her, he'll keep you on the side.

Of course your night away together was 'amazing'. Of course he's 'lovely' to you. You are basically a free hooker.

Please OP, leave this idiot. If he actually did leave his girlfriend he would be finding another bit on the side within days.

You've only spent one night with him in 4 years?!
Do you think he doesn't tell his girlfriend that he loves her?
Move on. He is a shit, you are devaluing yourself. Get some self respect.
What do you want from this thread?

Toffee that's a bit harsh...free hooker...

He might've let her order an additional prawn cocktail as well as the set meal on the Toby carvery menu....

We're not there...we can't judge.

If this is real then he is a shit and you are helping him to treat another human being like a piece of crap. Do you have so little respect for his GF, and yourself, that you would do this?

Wideopenspace whenever i see your name i always think of the wide open space song.

OMG, I think you're shagging DP, how gullible am I, really thought the washing machine was eating his socks.