I am the OW

[headinthesand55]

I have been having an affair with a man for 4 years - with it getting most serious within the last 10-12 months.

I have known about his girlfriend from the beginning. She has found out on a few odd occasions and we have stopped once or twice but we both always go back to each other. I think the initial stages for him were just a bit of fun but he has recently admitted about 3 months ago how he realises how much I mean to him and how he thinks about leaving home every day to be with me.

We have just spent a night away together in a hotel and it was amazing. We both said I love you a few months back and he is absolutely lovely to me and makes me very happy. But obviously, he still hasn't left her. He has a holiday booked with her and mentioned it last night so I know he still plans on being with her in a few months when they go.

I just cannot bring myself to end it with him even thought I know what I am doing is wrong.

He makes me feel amazing and so happy, and I miss him incredibly when we aren't together and he says the same. He has been part of my life for 4 years and I know him very well, but I know I cannot go on for another 4 like this!

Do I give him an outright ultimatum? I know most people on here will say he won't leave her, and I think deep down that is true. However, a mutual friend of ours recently found out her boyfriend was having an affair and he was going on about how she should get shut of him and not stay with him just because they own a house together. He too owns a house with his girlfriend.

Do I tell him exactly how I feel and ask what his plans are? Earlier in the week he said he doesn't know what he is doing with his life and it's a mess.

Before I comment further op, I'd like to ask you for a bit more info.

What are you/he? Do you have kids/does he?.

princesspink7404

I agree with you that life is not straightforward, and also that something's are not "black &a white" but we all make 'life' choices. The OP has a choice.

I also agree that people can "know" what their core values are, but find themselves (not suddenly, I would like to add) in a situation where that is internally challenging- at what point do you be the 'abused' to being the person that is hurting someone you don't know (but does it matter?) to being abusive yourself?

Just because you get treated a certain way, does not dictate how or who you are in relation to others. It may have an influence, but the OP appears to be stating that she is being 'played' and hence her posting.

Actually, I could have said more succinctly! " just because you have been shat upon, does not mean you shit upon someone else"

Nope of course Lacoba66 I must say I do agree with you on that one

Stop accepting some other womans' sloppy seconds.

My husband left for somebody like you. So from me...

I'm not a troll.

What are you then? Goady flicker? Cowardly name changer?

I do know what you are but I can't say it as it counts as a personal attack.

But I looooooveee him!!!*

*this declaration could go up in value, as well as down. Declarations of love are not to be taken at face value.

If he can be dishonest with his girlfriend, he will be dishonest with you. She deserve better than this and so do you.

Actions speak louder than words OP, he can say he thinks about leaving her every day forever but still not do it. And I don't really get the 'she has found out on a few odd occasions' bit... surely if she had found out that would be his cue to leave? but he still hasn't

OP, you were always going to be attacked on this board. Like I said previously, please get some help externally ( I.e counselling).

Do I tell him exactly how I feel and ask what his plans are? Earlier in the week he said he doesn't know what he is doing with his life and it's a mess.

Yes and Yes but after four years if he doesn't know what his plans are he is probably just stringing you along for easy sex. If that is ok with you then what is your problem all of a sudden?

....and frankly, we're not talking about a wife here, we're talking about a "girlfriend"...says it all really...you're a mug and he's a cunt. Sorry.

Thank you princesspink. I totally agree its not right. It's so very wrong. But before I met OM I was very much so like many posters on here, disgusted with men and women who conducted affairs. My ex had many and I remember the hurt, pain and humiliation only too well.

However, the 'life' I was leading was getting progressively worse. I met my abusive ex at a very young age. I was no doubt conditioned. I had no experience in other relationships, I wasn't allowed friends, I could go out, wear nice clothes etc etc. My self esteem was at rock bottom. I felt un loved un attractive and worthless.

The OM entered my life by chance. Suddenly, for the very first time, I had someone tell me I was beautiful, a nice person, clever ... Yes I know in hindsight I was foolish to believe all this. But at the time I was so niave and grateful dare I say that I stupidly got swept away. OM made me believe he was 'trapped' in his relationship. For reasons I won't go into through fear of outing myself. I believed he wanted to be with me. For me it wasn't particularly being desired sexually... I felt for tge first time valued.

I got out of my bad relationship with his help and started up on my own. That's when OM true colours showed. I realised he'd been lying about his homelife and had no desire to be with me. The thrill of the chase for him had gone and he was on to the next ow.

It was only after I had spent time on my own, with no man and my new independence, did I truly reflect on what had happened. It was tge first time I felt shame and remorseful. I'm shocked at what I did. But I truly know that with my experience and self esteem at it's best, that I would never do that to another woman again.

I won't lie, I felt sorry for no one else but myself when he broke it off. I pinned after him. But it was my state of mind and circumstances that made me stupid and selfish. That is why I do sympathise with 'some' ow.... Having been on both sides of tge fence

The titles of threads like this always have the same dramatic click bait title. 'I am the other woman'. Good for you deary, now get some self respect and end it.

Laccoba66 I would NEVER have got out if my abusive relationship on my own. I was too weak and scared. OM gave me the confidence I lacked.

Like I said, I know now it was all bollocks but at the time I felt safe and comforted. It's wrong but unless you have been where I have then you couldn't possibly judge.

The affair was not premeditated. I did not get a kick out of sneaking around.

Because seperdem some people in bad relationships have low self esteem and don't think or act in a 'normal' way. They know what's right and wring, but don't alway think straight. My mind was totally messed up by my ex. I was so so young when I met my ex. I had no life experience.

I am currently undergoing counselling for the mental damage he has done. I was so screwed up that I couldn't even see OM for what he was. I believed his lies that he was trapped in a relationship and that his partner didn't love him either. They stayed together for the baby etc. I cringe now at my niavity and stupidity. I have a social ife now.. so I see and hear so many similar senareos where the om will tell the ow what she wants to hear etc . I see on mumsnet the same old script of the cheating partner. It makes me feel foolish that I fell for it. But at the time I believed it was true

It's not that you are doing something 'wrong' in terms of others; you're the architect of your own misery & every day you add a new brick. How is this to live?

You've wasted 4 years on this idiot. 4 years of your life.

I now have crushingly low self esteem, I too am in counselling trying to undo the emotional and physical damage that going through this has done to me. I worry for my DC and the impact this will have on them. I still would not be a part of heaping this misery on to someone else. I can categorically say that even though I "am not in that situation". I'm not trying to make anyone feel rubbish, honestly.

Look at the facts here.

This man has two women in his life, at this point in time. I presume he wants to have two women, for reasons known to himself. Neither woman knows why he is behaving like this.

The biggest trait with adulterers is their secrecy. Their lies, and most importantly their inability to make decisions about their life. They love making use of people, rather than valuing love and care. They seem to live in some kind of fantasy land, avoiding confrontation, but probably confrontation with themselves. Only when the shit hits the fan they are forced into a choice.

Their actions destroy other lives including children. Get away from this subhuman before he causes more trouble.

He still loves his Wife otherwise he would be with you properly.

"I can't help but wonder why someone posts as the OP does and then disappears... "

Yes, there are a number of threads like this. Almost always on a Friday.

Just when the realisation hits that your weekend is empty again, and as you're not going to see him (and may not be able to ring/text/email either), all you can do is talk about him. After 4 years, RL confidantes may not be as supportive as they were. But you can always keep the drama going online.

Both women need to examine their own needs and look at why they want to be with him.

These men are like parasites, and will willingly take all they can as you daily lose your mojo, and zest for life.

Look at counselling, self esteem sessions, etc, you don't have to have anything to do with this.

If you do decide to stay with him, waiting for him to "pick" you. You will always have the memory of how your relationship started.

There is one way through this and that is that you stop seeing him and he finishes or not finishes his relationship, putting his own house in order.
This is what a caring person would do.

Not a woman's woman then eh, OP?

I hope he leaves his partner for her sake n that u win the "prize" of the cheating, selfish douchebag. Sounds just about what u deserve.