I am the OW

[headinthesand55]

I have been having an affair with a man for 4 years - with it getting most serious within the last 10-12 months.

I have known about his girlfriend from the beginning. She has found out on a few odd occasions and we have stopped once or twice but we both always go back to each other. I think the initial stages for him were just a bit of fun but he has recently admitted about 3 months ago how he realises how much I mean to him and how he thinks about leaving home every day to be with me.

We have just spent a night away together in a hotel and it was amazing. We both said I love you a few months back and he is absolutely lovely to me and makes me very happy. But obviously, he still hasn't left her. He has a holiday booked with her and mentioned it last night so I know he still plans on being with her in a few months when they go.

I just cannot bring myself to end it with him even thought I know what I am doing is wrong.

He makes me feel amazing and so happy, and I miss him incredibly when we aren't together and he says the same. He has been part of my life for 4 years and I know him very well, but I know I cannot go on for another 4 like this!

Do I give him an outright ultimatum? I know most people on here will say he won't leave her, and I think deep down that is true. However, a mutual friend of ours recently found out her boyfriend was having an affair and he was going on about how she should get shut of him and not stay with him just because they own a house together. He too owns a house with his girlfriend.

Do I tell him exactly how I feel and ask what his plans are? Earlier in the week he said he doesn't know what he is doing with his life and it's a mess.

You know Winky, I want to say no she isn't, but her recent actions have been so awful I can't really defend her.

She has the capacity to be really nice, but there's an underlying instability to her and whilst we were friends I always had to tiptoe around her in case something I said was misconstrued by her and she flipped out. My Dc really dislike her and they generally love everybody.

She is very damaged. Her ex really severely damaged her, I think she needs prolonged psychological help. Her personal history has made her a very selfish person.

MrCJ, Ive been thinking about your posts. They are actually the exact scenario that my own "MrC" used to -publicly describe our domestic set up which was patently untrue to justify his endless affairs with current OW and others. You give no information about the situation you describe other than you don't speak to eachother, you have children and sleep separately. That can't be a healthy situation for anybody. As Irian says, I am absolutely sure that if you told your DW that you were considering leaving or having an affair, she would probably-- wish to discuss this further, surely?

I fully understand not leaving your children, but if your home life is as you describe, they they are surely the best excuse you have to make an enormous effort to climb out of this rut? Indeed, the scenario you describe must be awful for them. If you were to return to this thread and perhaps give a little more information, the experienced women on here who have been through the hell of infidelity and divorce might be able to advise you further. It would be nice to see a positive outcome for a change rather than the life destroying result that having an affair can lead to.

Fuzzy, goodness I can't believe the parallels!!

I do appreciate your points but my wife doesn't want to talk about it and gets stressed when we do. I could leave but she's so negative and shouts at the children that I can't bear to leave them just with her for the majority of the time. I don't think she'll manage our two children. We don't argue, we just don't have a good marriage now. I don't want to move out but I want intimacy and communication with someone. I can't see that things will ever change.

MrCJ, I do feel for you in this situation, it's very sad and will inevitably become intolerable I would have thought. I imagined you posted on this thread because you have been thinking of seeking the things lacking in your marriage elsewhere. I really don't believe this is the answer or would make the situation any better for you at all. Is there a relative or a friend who is close to your wife who you could talk to? Is she depressed? Are the children very young? How long have your been married?

What would MrsCJ do if you packed your bags and said "right I'm off", do you think she might want to talk then?

MrCj

Your wife sounds unhappy and depressed from the little information you have given here.
Do you still love her?
Would a trial separation help you both to figure out what you both want and if there is a future together?
Have you tried mediation or counsellling?

Please don't jump into an affair because you are lonely. If this marriage is over (and it may be possible to work through the difficulties - but only if you BOTH want it to work) then please be fair to everybody (including yourself) and get out first. Would the children necessarily live with her if she is depressed and not coping with them?

I wish you well in this horrible time

Yes, that has been what I have been thinking.
I don't love her any more and one day I will leave when my children are more self sufficient, I don't think I'm in a position to do so now though.

MrCJ, my advice to you would be not to wait until the children are more self-sufficient. This situation can't be doing them any good at all and is a poor example of how parents/couples should be. It is not good for you or DW either. I would say it is time for a "bull by the horns" moment. Good luck.

MRCJ

You do sound lonely and unhappy. May I ask is that why you come on a predominantly female forum? (No disrespect meant as I think more men on here would be a great thing and good for balance).

I really feel for all of you including your wife who sounds equally miserable.

I do hope you give real thought to practical ways of removing yourself and your children out of this situation sooner rather than later. I hope you are not finding my post patronising as I am sincere in my wish for you to find a way out of your current misery.

Yes, a very unhappy situation.
I don't think the children notice though.
I guess I came on here to get a female perspective and there isn't really anything like this for guys that I know of.
I really don't know what's going to happen in the future.

MrCJ

I don't know how old your children are but you can bet your bottom dollar that they do notice. I've been amazed by revelations from my two and the level of insight and maturity and they are both under 12.

One thing that is guaranteed on here are some blunt and honest perspectives. I've got a lot of respect for some of these posters. Brilliant aren't they.

No one knows what will happen in the future but to paraphrase Einstein, if you keep doing the same things you will keep getting the same results. Be brave m'dear and trust that whenever you are down you will have support on here. Why don't you start your own thread as this one is likely to be negative as it is about OW and that presses lots of buttons...

MrCJ the children know, they notice a lot more than you think they do and they are growing up thinking yours is a normal relationship and will end up in similar relationships themselves. Two unhappy parents living together is not healthy, better to be happy and co-parent if you can manage that.

MrCJ...good advice from notrocketscience there, perhaps start your own thread on this subject, I am absolutely sure you will get a lot of good advice, there are Dad's on the boards too. Further, I agree with Ailurophile that they DO notice, they really do. Its not healthy for them. They deserve to have happy parents, even if those parents are apart although I would always advocate that as absolutely the last resort, especially when there are so many resources to hand to help you get through this. The fact you said you don't love your DW anymore makes me think there is no way back though...so sad for you both.

MrCJ, have a look at pistonheads website, Lounge forum. Not female perspective but very supportive.

My first marriage broke down due to husband's cheating. The only advice I can offer to any OW, or cheating man, is: karma. Fate has a funny way of settling scores.

Petal02...that is very true, sorry you've been through this

Petal I'm sorry you've also experienced this but I totally disagree with you wrt Karma. The world just doesn't work like that.

Life just continues, some moments will be good, some will be bad. There's no way to attribute comeuppance. If a cheating husband then cheats on his OW, that doesn't mean the score has been settled - it simply means the cheating husband went on to continue to be a selfish bastard. If the cheating husband left for the OW and they went on to have a glorious marriage, then that's just how life turned out.

Haven't read the whole thread...OP, I read your post and the first thing that popped into my head was that you need to watch the 80s movie When Harry Met Sally. Not for Harry and Sally, but for Sally's best friend who is having a long term secret relationship with a married man. There's a line she always says at the end of her moanfests to Sally, an embarrassed "I know, I know. He's never going to leave her."

The secrecy is what is making this exciting for both of you even after four years. If he leaves his girlfriend and gets with you openly, that excitement will vanish overnight, I would bet, and as others said, that will create a vacancy for another mistress for him. What you have is not love, it's a false sense of the true excitement and joy of the first flush of real love, which is not what you have. He is not proud to be your partner. You are a guilty secret, used to provide him with the thrill of free and easy and secret no-strings-attached sex.

To allow this to continue so that you both still have the thrill of the secrecy, is to be totally devoid of conscience and integrity, in my view.

Do you not get it? He is using you, he is using her, and why in the world would a woman with integrity want to be with a man who is cheating on his partner?