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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am the OW

394 replies

headinthesand55 · 24/07/2015 19:09

I have been having an affair with a man for 4 years - with it getting most serious within the last 10-12 months.

I have known about his girlfriend from the beginning. She has found out on a few odd occasions and we have stopped once or twice but we both always go back to each other. I think the initial stages for him were just a bit of fun but he has recently admitted about 3 months ago how he realises how much I mean to him and how he thinks about leaving home every day to be with me.

We have just spent a night away together in a hotel and it was amazing. We both said I love you a few months back and he is absolutely lovely to me and makes me very happy. But obviously, he still hasn't left her. He has a holiday booked with her and mentioned it last night so I know he still plans on being with her in a few months when they go.

I just cannot bring myself to end it with him even thought I know what I am doing is wrong.

He makes me feel amazing and so happy, and I miss him incredibly when we aren't together and he says the same. He has been part of my life for 4 years and I know him very well, but I know I cannot go on for another 4 like this!

Do I give him an outright ultimatum? I know most people on here will say he won't leave her, and I think deep down that is true. However, a mutual friend of ours recently found out her boyfriend was having an affair and he was going on about how she should get shut of him and not stay with him just because they own a house together. He too owns a house with his girlfriend.

Do I tell him exactly how I feel and ask what his plans are? Earlier in the week he said he doesn't know what he is doing with his life and it's a mess.

OP posts:
bumblebeebboi · 29/07/2015 09:57

FYI when my ex cheated on me, I blamed him. Not the woman he cheated on me with. The onus was 100% on him.

IrianofWay · 29/07/2015 09:57

"A few weeks back a lady came on here posting about her devestation after breaking up with an attached man. I won't say who the op was as I'm not sure I'm allowed? My point is, she received a lot of support and sympathy - from the majority! "

Possible because she had broken up with him. I think if even my H's OW posted on here saying that she was devastated it had ended, she was sorry for the pain she had caused, but please could someone give her support, I might have been able to be sympathetic. But you haven't ended it, say that you can't and don't seem to be planning to do so any time soon. Hence the certain lack of sympathy. I am sorry for your pain and confusion but I must admit it's hard to feel much sympathy for someone who is still actively hurting someone else by their actions.

shovetheholly · 29/07/2015 09:58

I'm not excusing the OW - she has done something wrong! I just think that the idea that without an OW men wouldn't cheat is Wrong, Wrong, Wrong.

Basically, a marriage is where a woman who looked like a cross between Cindy Crawford and Miranda Kerr could walk past in a bikini casting seductive glances and the guy would barely blink. THAT is commitment. THAT is what it is all about.

If a guy can't do that, I'm sorry: that is his problem, his lack of commitment, his weakness. It's not hard to refuse to be unfaithful! I think behind a lot of these comments about the OW is some idea of men as inevitably lured towards infidelity, and unable to exercise reasonable amounts of self-control if temptation should present itself on a plate. It's not very flattering to men, or to the self-worth of women either.

Basically, a guy who cheats makes a choice to cheat. And that makes him a bastard. End of. The person he cheats with is incidental.

I think we should expect more from men, and I think this is a feminist issue!

PattyCakes · 29/07/2015 09:59

This is just mob-mentality. Somehow just the fact of being OW means that it is open season on verbal abuse and insults. Some perceived moral rectitude makes people think they have the right to say whatever they like to anyone who admits an affair with a MM. The fact that others egg them on only reinforces this belief.

The mentality is no different from stoning women for adultery in Saudi Arabia: who cares what the circumstances were, let's just get on with seeing her suffer, right?! OWs are metaphorically stoned on MN and it makes me really sad to see it.

basgetti · 29/07/2015 10:00

I was cheated on in my first marriage and have never been an OW so have no particular interest in defending cheats. But the treatment of never on this thread has been appalling. The nasty misogynistic language is disgusting. Never acknowledges she was vulnerable and made a mistake. It is shameful to see this treatment of another woman on the relationship board.

IrianofWay · 29/07/2015 10:00

"Instead, we applaud the foul-mouthed rants of a woman like MrsC who has just returned from the police station having been arrested for harrasment! "

How the hell was that not a personal attack on MrsC? If you could read her threads about the hell she had been put through and take only that from it you really need to get your eyes tested.

shovetheholly · 29/07/2015 10:01

(I also worry about the view of men as inevitably led by their cocks, and unable to exercise self-control with regard to rape and the view that women are 'asking for it'. It's the same set of ideas).

IrianofWay · 29/07/2015 10:03

I don't see that anyone here fails to give the men involved their own share of blame.

bumblebeebboi · 29/07/2015 10:05

yes but Irian they are disproportionately blaming the OW. And the language they use against OW is abusive, misogynistic and disgusting. There's no excuse for it whatsoever.

IrianofWay · 29/07/2015 10:08

Agree there is some deeply offensive language but that is in the minority. The OP is an OW so the comments are likely to be directed towards her and others in her position. I have seen threads about married people having affairs and they get pretty harsh treatment too.

bumblebeebboi · 29/07/2015 10:10

I just don't like the fact everything is black and white on MN. I also think there's a massive amount of projection going on in posts like these, which is immature and unhelpful.

shovetheholly · 29/07/2015 10:12

The issue isn't about a 'share of the blame'. The issue is a model of gendered sexual relations that expect men to be motivated solely by sex, to be unable to refuse it when offered or to exercise any kind of self-control.

Blaming the OW DOES de-responsibilise the man. She has made no promise to the wife, she owes her nothing. The infidelity is between him and her, and he is the one choosing to break the bonds. Hatred for and responsibilisation of the OW masks that fact.

shovetheholly · 29/07/2015 10:14

I'm absolutely NOT saying 'don't be angry!' The pain of being cheated on is excruciating. I'm saying 'Be angry AT THE RIGHT TARGET!' Demand better standards of behaviour from men for yourself, and for women everywhere.

JonesTheSteam · 29/07/2015 10:15

I don't particularly like the use of the word 'they' as I don't feel I have said anything vaguely abusive, misogynistic or disgusting about anyone, thanks.

I think most posters on here who have posted about their own situations have apportioned the blame entirely or (almost) to their husbands.

notrocketscience · 29/07/2015 10:23

Projection? Of course everyone is going to read and relate it to their own experiences. It doesn't make their opinions less valid. This is a discussion and we are not all going to agree.
There is a book called " "Act like a lady, Think like a Man" by Steve Harvey which makes for VERY interesting information.

JonesTheSteam · 29/07/2015 10:23

I'm quite happy to give the OW completely separate blame from my husband, so it doesn't take away from his, if that makes you feel any better, shove Wink

bumblebeebboi · 29/07/2015 10:23

I've got no problem with a disagreement, I've got a problem with the slut shaming and the fact the if they're OW it's somehow ok.

Not to say all posters did this, but many did.

neverwhatitseems · 29/07/2015 10:25

Pandora... how many women suffering domestic violence just leave? Read the states before you try and make it sound easy!!

And for the record, I did not sleep with mm until I left my ex. And yes, because there would have been no opportunity. .. I wasn't allowed out!!

IrianofWay · 29/07/2015 10:27

"I think most posters on here who have posted about their own situations have apportioned the blame entirely or (almost) to their husbands"

I certainly knew who was largely to blame. Difference being that my H was the one living with me, holding me when I cried, listening to my angry rants, taking all the insults and fury. He 'did he time' if you like. It's hard remaining angry permanently with someone who stays and takes that for months and months on end and never wavers in his determination and support.

The feeling you are left with is that while the two of you are wallowing in all the mud and blood of the trenches, amidst all the sturm and drang, the other party to this is walking off whistling innocently as if she hasn't got a care in the world. It tends to make you a bit cross..... And then people coming here and saying that actually she didn't do anything wrong, and that it's wrong and unkind to even be angry about it, makes one's piss itch a tad.

BTW I know it's not that simple. She has her own issues and if I were given the chance to do something nasty to her I wouldn't dream to taking it. And if she had said sorry, expressed some remorse or sympathy, I'd probably have burst into tears, given her a hug and forgiven her - I'm a soppy cow like that. But she didn't so I am left with a vague feeling or anger that no matter how I rationalise it, I can't quite get rid of. And I don't think that is wrong. And for people like MrsC's OW...well, words fail.

notrocketscience · 29/07/2015 10:31

I think the slut shaming is happening because 1 poster is repeating, endlessly, her own need for justification and it's becoming annoying because this is not about her. Perhaps if she started up her own thread then she might find the support and sympathy she is clearly after.

I think the majority of posters on here are articulate, interesting and have decided opinions and firm views on OW and cheating partners.

bumblebeebboi · 29/07/2015 10:33

*I think the slut shaming is happening because 1 poster is repeating, endlessly, her own need for justification and it's becoming annoying because this is not about her. Perhaps if she started up her own thread then she might find the support and sympathy she is clearly after.

I think the majority of posters on here are articulate, interesting and have decided opinions and firm views on OW and cheating partners.*

1, I don't care what she's doing, it's still not an excuse for slut shaming.

2, I don't see how you can have a 'firm view' on OW and cheating partners, like they're all part of the same club. Every single story is different.

JonesTheSteam · 29/07/2015 10:34

I certainly knew who was largely to blame. Difference being that my H was the one living with me, holding me when I cried, listening to my angry rants, taking all the insults and fury. He 'did he time' if you like. It's hard remaining angry permanently with someone who stays and takes that for months and months on end and never wavers in his determination and support.

The feeling you are left with is that while the two of you are wallowing in all the mud and blood of the trenches, amidst all the sturm and drang, the other party to this is walking off whistling innocently as if she hasn't got a care in the world. It tends to make you a bit cross..... And then people coming here and saying that actually she didn't do anything wrong, and that it's wrong and unkind to even be angry about it, makes one's piss itch a tad.*

Sums up exactly how I feel.

Bubblesinthesummer · 29/07/2015 10:37

FYI when my ex cheated on me, I blamed him. Not the woman he cheated on me with. The onus was 100% on him

My DH says the same today about his exW cheating on him. more than once

His argument is that it was her that he was married to and trusted not the OM. Of course he isn't blameless and he knew she was married. He wasn't however.

neverwhatitseems · 29/07/2015 10:37

Iriano.... I think you have me confused with op. I did make that statement bur am not the original op with mm

shovetheholly · 29/07/2015 10:41

Irian - I want to preface this by saying that you sound like a lovely person, because what I'm about to say could come over as an attack and it is very much not intended as such, but more as a description of what happens to a lot of couples post-affair!

I think what you describe is a kind of scapegoating, based on the need to separate out the supportive post-affair behaviour from the affair if the relationship is to continue. It's undoubtedly really common as a psychological reaction, a way of coping - it compartmentalises things neatly, and gives a channel for the sense of betrayal outside of the damaged relationship, which helps to divert anger away from the party who is actually to blame but who you wish to forgive.

The fact is, it doesn't matter if the OW is in clover or in shit after the affair (and you have no way of knowing, really - people can seem fine on the outside and be in pieces). The 'mud and blood' you describe was actually caused by your DH, who broke all of the promises and trust between you. But it's easier for you both to divert ire in her direction, because it helps you to rebond. It's kind of helpful fiction that allows you both to continue being together while you repair and move past it.

I do think what you describe in terms of comparing the pain of a broken relationship to the (apparent) carefreeness of the other party is perhaps a bit different from what I am objecting to, which is the comments about OW 'luring' men into affairs, as if their DH had no ability to control themselves. It seems to me that you haven't at any point said anything of the kind. Smile Like I said before, I have no objection to the betrayed party being angry at all.

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