I am the OW

[headinthesand55]

I have been having an affair with a man for 4 years - with it getting most serious within the last 10-12 months.

I have known about his girlfriend from the beginning. She has found out on a few odd occasions and we have stopped once or twice but we both always go back to each other. I think the initial stages for him were just a bit of fun but he has recently admitted about 3 months ago how he realises how much I mean to him and how he thinks about leaving home every day to be with me.

We have just spent a night away together in a hotel and it was amazing. We both said I love you a few months back and he is absolutely lovely to me and makes me very happy. But obviously, he still hasn't left her. He has a holiday booked with her and mentioned it last night so I know he still plans on being with her in a few months when they go.

I just cannot bring myself to end it with him even thought I know what I am doing is wrong.

He makes me feel amazing and so happy, and I miss him incredibly when we aren't together and he says the same. He has been part of my life for 4 years and I know him very well, but I know I cannot go on for another 4 like this!

Do I give him an outright ultimatum? I know most people on here will say he won't leave her, and I think deep down that is true. However, a mutual friend of ours recently found out her boyfriend was having an affair and he was going on about how she should get shut of him and not stay with him just because they own a house together. He too owns a house with his girlfriend.

Do I tell him exactly how I feel and ask what his plans are? Earlier in the week he said he doesn't know what he is doing with his life and it's a mess.

I disagree BBB. I'm entitled to my "firm view" just as you are clearly attached to your own.
Women who have been hurt, humiliated, betrayed and yet still have to hold it together for the emotional well being of the children are most likely to give vent to feelings in stronger language than usual.
I'm not saying this is right but anyone who posts about being an OW on a thread like this one where the majority of readership have direct experience of being the cheated partner is being naive if she thinks everyone is going to say "that's ok".
IMO, a cheater, male or female, is both a liar and selfish. No amount of mitigating circumstances is going to alter that basic premise for me.

I'm not attached to any kind of view, my views on situations are formed by the situation in question, not my overriding opinion that cheating is evil/isn't evil or whatever. Anything else is just lazy thinking. IMO.

The will he wont he leave issue is not your real problem here. You first need to decide if what you have with this man right here right now is enough for you. There will be some reason why 4 years ago you were attracted to a man who could not fully commit to you. That reason may still be true for you or you may have moved on.
Do not wait for him to make a decision, you decide what is right for you. If you want more then you have tell him you want more and give him time to decide what he wants but step back while he has time to think. This is not an ultimatum. You are simply saying if this relationship could be more than this I would choose for it to be that way. Do you choose the same? If his answer is no or its difficult or I don't want to hurt her then you respect his decision and choose whether you stay as it is or move on without him. No matter what anyone says if this man does not choose to commit to you, you will only leave when the time is right for you and that is ok. In the meantime make sure you are living your life and not waiting for him to be free. No matter how much he loves you and you love him sometimes love is not enough. I hope for your sake that he chooses to be with you but either way I wish you much happiness.

Will you ever fully be able to trust a man who was unfaithful to his partner for 4 years? I know I wouldn't. Suspicion and resentment do not a good relationship make.

How the hell was that not a personal attack on MrsC? If you could read her threads about the hell she had been put through and take only that from it you really need to get your eyes tested...

Iriano.... what about people like me who have been through hell... being abused for 16 years.... does that give other people the right to a platform to hurl abuse at me further ???

never if you've been the OW you're immediately a bad person in the eyes of the MN jury I'm afraid, no matter what you've been through.

I was left for an OW twice in my life. It was awful both times. I don't know if either of them were bad people. I didn't know them.

Lovely post Familyangel. You are well named.

"I think what you describe is a kind of scapegoating, based on the need to separate out the supportive post-affair behaviour from the affair if the relationship is to continue."

I agree that the separation of post and during affair behaviour is an issue. I got stuck for a long time trying to rationalize the 'good' loving strong man that he was when we were recovering, with the 'bad' callous, self-obsessed man that he seemed to during the affair. I thought quite simply I was going mad! How can he be two men - and how can I forgive one while knowing that he was also the other?

But I don't believe there was any 'scapegoating'. TBH during the first 6 months or so she simply wasn't an issue for me. All I needed to know was that it was over between them. I got more conscious of her her as the months went by as the immediate crisis passed and I began to feel such anger that I was in this ongoing mess because of the actions of two other people, one of whom didn't appear to give a shit! I know my posts here suggest otherwise but she rarely crosses my mind these days - but I get really fed up when threads like this come up and it is suggested that the OW is a poor little innocent who is being unfairly blamed by the evil wife.

I must just learn to keep away...

I get really fed up when threads like this come up and it is suggested that the OW is a poor little innocent who is being unfairly blamed hmm by the evil wife.

That would be understandable but I'm not sure anyone has done that here, have they?

Notrocketscience. . I am simply justifying myself everytime I have to respond to yet another insulting message directed at me! Do you really think I will read a message with my name that is directly mocking me and say nothing? I will keep going on everytime I feel the need to respond to a post that is directed at ME. Other women have shared their experience on here. I should be no different

never - I didn't post that about you. it was to another poster.

I didn't hurl abuse at you did I? It wouldn't usually be like me to do that.

Irian you most definitely didn't hurl abuse...

Irian
Please don't go away! I find your posts gentle, truthful and insightful. You write with compassion and understanding. Thank you.

Never being the victim of DV does not make you immune to criticism of your actions for ever more.

I suffered DV very badly for a decade, don't think it gives me carte blanche to behave how I want.

I don't particularly care about ex's last ow or any of the others. But I do remember one who actually left work (where she met twatface) when she found out I was pregnant, it's strange I find that very touching, a woman who did not know know me cared enough to do that. Final ow happily removed ex from my life otherwise I'd still be stuck with him (or dead probably). Does not make the ow an innocent party.

Also MrsC is being actively abused by the OW and her husband. I've read her posts and she has behaved with dignity and great strength and put her DC first. I've never 'spoken' to her directly but I am standing on the sidelines silently cheering her on and I wish her and her DC every happiness and freedom from the OW and husband.

Absolutely agree with shovetheholly that this is a very gendered issue.

There seems to be an expectation that women should "look out for each other" or "not let their sisters down". If they become an OW they are heaped with opprobrium, as has happened here.

Men who sleep with married women are not held to this standard at all. They're just cheeky chappies, aren't they? The little scamps!

When's the last time you heard - in real life or TV or film or book - one man saying to another, "Dude, you're sleeping with a married woman?! How could you do that to another man?"

When's the last time you saw a man being ostracized from his friend circle because his friends who are married found out he was seeing a married woman? (Unless it was within the friend circle... but I have even seen that overlooked for men. Even within the same family!)

headinthesand55. The solution to your situation is very simple. You should tell this man that you are ending the relationship, and advise him that he should sort his relationship out with his girlfriend, one way or the other. When he is single (if that is what he decides after talking to his girlfriend) then he is free to date.
In the mean time you should get on with your life.

Many second relationships/marriages fail because people are crap at working out what they really want, and jump into a relationship with someone else, very quickly.
Both of you have very bad boundary skills at the moment, and are living in deceit. This is a very sad situation. You need to look at these issues, and why you are living like this. You may need counselling/psychotherapy, and likewise him.

I hate the actions of every unfaithful DH, but I also hate the actions of the OW who aid and abet them in making another woman's life miserable.

You don't have to know a person, or make promises to them, to know that it is wrong to mistreat them and want no part in it.

I realise that every story is different but what every OW has in common is the belief that her desire for this particular man trumps everything else, and so I judge on that abhorrent outlook alone.

And any OW posting here, repeatedly saying 'but my situation was different' is a liar and once again reveals herself to believe that her wants are more important than anyone else's.

I haven't read Mrsc's other posts only the ones on here. I'm a bit as to why the police would arrest someone without any reason, but there you go.

On another thread, months ago, a cheated-on wife punched OW in the street and was arrested. When she mentioned it on MN she was treated like a returning war hero. Sorry, but I just don't get it.

I really do appreciate that this is a very difficult and emotive subject. I find it very hard to not to get extremely angry about it given the two years of utter life wrecking hell my husband and OW have put my children and I through. Granted, I have been unfortunate to say the least, I have rarely come across somebody like the OW in my situation who felt absolutely entitled to demolish my life, said I was standing in the way of her happiness, has displayed such mindblowing malice I have often wondered if she is actually human. Some of you who have posted on here know my story and will know what I mean.

Conversely, I have had a couple of friends who have found themselves to be OW's without their knowledge BUT on discovering that, have immediately checked out of the situation. There lies the difference. Cheating, whether you are the OM/OW/DH/DW requires a huge amount of pre-meditation, planning, secrecy, lies, distortion and I really can't have sympathy for anybody who continues on with that when they know what they are doing because they are complicit in it. It is also the totally unavoidable damage it causes to the children. My daughter ended up being treated under CAMHS, my little boy has been denied the support he should have had from his father in respect of his autism because OW declared that I was "attention seeking and only wishing to claim DLA". Ultimately, it has been left to me to pick up the pieces whilst also trying to recover from pain so excruciating that I am unsure whether I will ever be the same person.

I appreciate people make mistakes, I appreciate that sometimes you make the wrong decision but eventually find a way to "right" it. However, I would say it is evident from the posts here that nobody really ever recovers from something like this and nobody has the right to inflict that on another person. I sincerely apologise if I have upset anybody with my obvious distress at this subject.

honestly. you think you are 'the one'. undelude yourself. what makes you think he'll be faithful to you if he can't be faithful to his wife?
CRAZY.

PattyCakes, they didn't arrest me for "no reason". They arrested me, in front of my children, on a Sunday morning, because my husband made an allegation that he was "distressed and fearful" from a text conversation that I had with him in relation to our son. He and OW will stop at nothing to ruin my life and continue to try and do so. I am afraid that I reacted to continued goading and taunting from them having put up with it for a very long time. The police have been wonderful, we have received a lot of support, my locks have been changed by the Harm Reduction Unit. It is a very long story and not as simple as it sounds here. You are welcome to seek out my threads and see for yourself. I have been exonerated and actually I liked being on bail because it afforded me protection. That protection has now gone. It did not stop my husband attempting to goad me into reacting from him during the process nor did it stop them setting up a fake Facebook page in my name, which THANKFULLY somebody saw before me and reported knowing my situation. The general view being that they were going to use that page to send false messages to give the impression that I had broken my bail. I am frightened of what they are going to do next. Hence, I have gone completely NC. My husband has even discovered and posted on my MN threads so I have now withdrawn from them. I hope that gives some clarity.

*I realise that every story is different but what every OW has in common is the belief that her desire for this particular man trumps everything else, and so I judge on that abhorrent outlook alone.

And any OW posting here, repeatedly saying 'but my situation was different' is a liar and once again reveals herself to believe that her wants are more important than anyone else's.*

In all fairness I think you can apply that to anyone having an affair, male or female, married or a single person having an affair with a married one, not just OW.

The bottom line is people have affairs because they put their own wants and desires above everyone else's happiness. It is borne out of a selfishness, a sense of entitlement; there may be other reasons for them getting to the point of feeling that way, but ultimately the decision to sleep with someone who is attached is a selfish one.

Maybe that's why people are having a go at never and other OW in previous threads who go on about their situation being different. Because their reasons never seem to include 'I am hugely selfish and believe my happiness is more important than anyone else's and as long as I'm happy it doesn't matter that my actions may affect and upset others.'

And when I say OW please read anyone having an affair.

There was a time in my life when I would have been quite happy having an emotional affair with a married man (I thought that was ok, because it wasn't physical)
There was also a time in my life when I was quite happy to justify cheating on whoever I was with because they didn't treat me correctly or couldn't give me what I needed.
There was also a time in my life when I was a spineless, selfish, self-obsessed, self-pitying no-mark with zero self-esteem and a total inability to take responsibility for my circumstances or situation in life.
Needless to say, karma bit me on the arse big time and thankfully I grew the fuck up.
So I completely understand the mindset of the OW. And I pity them. You really should not expect happiness or fulfilment at this cost.

MrsC I've lurked on your threads but don't think I have posted and you have nothing to apologise for nor should you have to defend yourself.

Your situation, sadly like many women on here, is horrific and your distress totally understandable.

Door, thank you...I appreciate that more than you will ever know