I am the OW

[headinthesand55]

I have been having an affair with a man for 4 years - with it getting most serious within the last 10-12 months.

I have known about his girlfriend from the beginning. She has found out on a few odd occasions and we have stopped once or twice but we both always go back to each other. I think the initial stages for him were just a bit of fun but he has recently admitted about 3 months ago how he realises how much I mean to him and how he thinks about leaving home every day to be with me.

We have just spent a night away together in a hotel and it was amazing. We both said I love you a few months back and he is absolutely lovely to me and makes me very happy. But obviously, he still hasn't left her. He has a holiday booked with her and mentioned it last night so I know he still plans on being with her in a few months when they go.

I just cannot bring myself to end it with him even thought I know what I am doing is wrong.

He makes me feel amazing and so happy, and I miss him incredibly when we aren't together and he says the same. He has been part of my life for 4 years and I know him very well, but I know I cannot go on for another 4 like this!

Do I give him an outright ultimatum? I know most people on here will say he won't leave her, and I think deep down that is true. However, a mutual friend of ours recently found out her boyfriend was having an affair and he was going on about how she should get shut of him and not stay with him just because they own a house together. He too owns a house with his girlfriend.

Do I tell him exactly how I feel and ask what his plans are? Earlier in the week he said he doesn't know what he is doing with his life and it's a mess.

Pattycakes...I am sorry? I would be very grateful if you could expand on my "foul mouthed rants". I was arrested because of untrue and erroneous accusations made by my husband. I was completely exonerated. Indeed, I have been on the receiving end of quite possibly the most horrific torment from two people, one with whom is my husband, the father of my four year old autistic son. I am hugely offended by your post.

MrsC - I am sorry for what you are going through. My post was not meant to be a personal attack on you, you were just a good example of the fact that if you post on MN as the victim of an affair you can expect and if you post as OW you can expect abuse, simple as that.

Never -

For me, the really offensive thing is when an OW tries to minimise what she's done.

So when someone says they are remorseful and ashamed, and would never do it again, and really demonstrate some empathy for the innocent parties, well then I think I can garner a little bit of understanding and grudging sympathy.

But when their sole motivation for regret is that it didn't work out the way they wanted it to, when they try to minimise it as a mistake, or make out like they weren't pretend-believing a pack of obvious lies, or they refuse to feel shame because it wasn't really their fault, well then that gives me an entirely different opinion.

Nequid. I can see what you are saying. My point in all of this, is that it seems ALL ow are tarred with the same brush. What they (myself included ) did was wrong. But we are not ALL bad. And some of our 'excuses' can be justified by our circumstances - rightly or wrongly.

I don't believe everything is black and white in these situations. Maybe I did before but that is why I'm saying, until you've been in somebody else's shoes, you couldn't possibly know therefore should be more mindful who you judge. Not you personally. Just the majority of posters here.

I've been both cheated on and the ow. So I 'get' the hatred directed at ow. But I now also understand that not all ow deserve that reception and people should judge each situation differently

Never

Please shut up. Your constant whining and pleading for sympathy are just grating. You have to live with your guilt so stop trying to get others to pat you on the head and say it didn't count as "you were in a bad place". Wkae up to life and grow some...

Ow are immoral bitches. Without them men cannot cheat. And men who cheat will cheat again and again if they get a chance. Don't be smug Kittens because he has/is or you have kept him well supervised and regularly check his phone, his emails, his pockets...but have you found his other phone, his secret account and is he really going for a run?

It doesnt work sorry have asked for it to be deleted.

Oh, I'm so weary of these posts.

Get yourself a real man OP.

when is your assignment due in?

notrocketscience your incredible bitterness is grating on me. No not all OW are immoral bitches, yes every situation is different, no not all cheaters cheat again and again. Perhaps....
The person who is open to an affair is going to be searching for a feeling within themselves that they lost, or feel they never had in their marriage. It could be that person would never feel what they need to experience with their partner because they are in the wrong relationship.

MGE In the wrong relationship is one thing. Yes we've all been there and it's part of growing and finding out what we DO want. So get out. Go honourably and with dignity and kindness. Don't lie and cheat and inflict such pain on someone you once thought you loved.
And OW are immoral. If women weren't prepared to let men cheat and hurt other women it would end. And no I am in no way exonerating men of blame but let's face it most of them will take a quick one if they don't think they will be found out...and that's not being bitter just realistic.

Textfan. Did you meet your husband at 16, was he older than you, did he tell you what to wear, not to speak to other men, not to have friends, tell you you are disgusting and no other man will have you so you are lucky you have him, did he make you cook clean and bring up the kids while he did as he pleased, did you go to bed without food some nights because you didn't even have time to eat yourself, did he have sex with you against your will when you were sleeping, put hos hands around your throat if you disagreed with him, smash the house up if he was angry or the cleaning wasn't to his standard.. the list is endless. I had NO experience with men before him. I was a child when I met him ffs. I had no idea what life was like before. SO YES. I did feel rescued and I was niave with mm as I was with my ex. Please please don't act like you know it all when you have no idea what I went through. Yes I was an adult when I became the ow. But not one with much life experience and definitely not one with any self esteem. Please get off your soap box.

Notrocketscience... not even going to stoop to your level. I will continue to post. Don't like it. Don't read it. You have absolutely no right to tell me to shut up. But actually, couldn't care a less. Say some more if it makes you feel better

To the OP

It must feel like having your nose pressed against the window of a sweet shop when all the other children are inside feasting.

He is not leaving her. Why should he? They have a house, life and holidays together. They most likely have a very active sex life as he assures her that "no, there is nobody else". The fact she found out about you and is still with him is another thing but she is not posting about being unhappy.

Life is short. You've wasted FOUR years. You could have done a Degree in that time and had a lot more to show for your time.

Be brave and honest to yourself. He doesn't care or he would not have strung you along all this time. He knows you want to have more and he is telling you what you want to hear so he can continue getting what he wants.

There is some good advice on here from some feisty experienced ladies. You won't take it until you decide for yourself. So maybe in 2 more years you will still be making lonely posts or you will be in a far better place in your life. The choice is yours and your responsibility. I hope you have the courage and the sense to get out now. Good luck.

Neverwhatitseems
It makes me laugh how you are STILL trying to defend your actions no excuses at all!!
The only reason you regret it now is because he shit on you LOL!!

Have you ever been in my position?
Nope and I never ever would regardless! First sniff of anything else and you run!!

Again making excuses my sister was 14 when she met her cunt of a partner 4 kids with him
She took a regular beating of him never allowed to leave the house alone made to wash floors with her own toothbrush mental abuse at its worst!
She was unfortunately raped after a one off night out
Which her partner beat her for breaking 4 ribs fracturing her cheek bone and then goading and tormenting her for if for a few years after!
Guess what? She didn't then turn into a home wrecking little slut!!

She found the courage herself and got away
She didn't drop her knickers for the first fella to flutter his lashes at her!!

ALL ow are BAD!
You KNEW he was married and still carried on
Makes you the lowest of the low

I hope someone comes along and sleeps with your partner see if you can sympthatise with her because she's been in an absuisve relationship!
I'm guessing not!

Disgusting!!

Ok textfan. I bet you feel clever now. Because we must all feel think and act the same way if we experience similar things... please! We all have different coping mechanisms and cope with things differently! I said the list was endless.. and trust me, there are things I will not disclose on this message board.

Kerry. . Sticks and stones. I've been called worse. So please, by all means get it of your chest if it makes you feel big. I'm sure the majority of posters will be cheering you on being their computer screens.

Said it a million times. Yes, you are right. I only felt sorry and remorseful AFTER I discovered he was lying and when he 'left' me for another ow. But as I have repeatedly said, that was because a) until then I believed his lies about his homelife and b) because I was in a bubble. I could see past what was happening. I just felt happy and safe.

It's called reflection, and being able to take stock of events. That is when the shame and guilt kicked in and the reality of what happened. She never found out. But after coming to terms with what he'd done to me. I felt a huge amount of guilt and disbelief.

I still don't regret meeting him. Because myself and my children are safe. But I wished we were where we are today through different means. I can't change what happened but can learn from them.

I did not 'just drop my knickers' as you so eloquently put it. Nor am I a slut. If you'd like to believe different... continue as you are. You and your opinions mean nothing to me

You can do better.

And for tge record kerry. I made my peace with one of many of my exs ow quite recently. She lives local and I could always see the guilt and awkwardness when we'd pass in the street. I made my peace because I understood the factors in what I believe led her to participate on an affair. She was different to the rest.. young and vulnerable . Having been through what I had it would be unfair to make her feel uncomfortable in my presence any longer. We are not friends but the relief on her face showed she was remorseful. I don't see her as a serial ow like some of my exs other flings. She seems broken and sad mostly. She's had and probably still has it tough.

You should try a little compassion where it's due. You sound very bitter and twisted kerry

Ex ultimately left us (me & DC) for ow.

Ex was very abusive in every way. He withdrew every single penny from bank accounts first and did his level best to make us destitute on his way out.

Ow wrote to court to say that I was 50% responsible for ex's actions. One of ex's most memorable actions being he tried to take a running kick at my eight months pregnant stomach and my toddler flinging herself on me and screaming in fear was probably the only thing that saved me & my unborn baby that day.

Ex's violence always upped when he had an ow.

I'm not particularly angry at ow.

I'm not particularly compassionate either towards her given her attempts to cause me harm despite never knowing me.

Hope ex burns in the darkest, hottest part of hell.

Don't care about ow, she's made her choices and is 50% responsible for whatever her H does now (according to her own assertions).

I do have a friend (more an acquaintance now as I can't sympathise with her life choices), who became an ow and is now married to the mm, she's not happy, and very bitter towards the ex and worse towards the poor very young step children.
She was also leaving an abusive relationship. She's the kind of woman who needs male validation & is very competitive, when I got with my DP she needed to be with someone too. And mm was willing (she's very volatile mm has no idea what she's like).

Ultimately op don't waste your life on this mm. He's already shown he's scum by his continued behaviour. You can end it if you want.
He's not exactly a catch going by his behaviour. It's down to you. You might end up with him. But would you ever be able to trust him? Why? What makes you different from his current girlfriend?

Bitter and twisted because people choose not to participate in affairs LOL!! You could have left and found anyone else
You were scared for your life but not scared enough to start sleeping with another man! LOL
Bore off love and try another story!

Textfan well done you coped like a normal person
She can try and justify it all she wants at the end of The day she's scum!

Some choose to behave correctly some choose to behave like home wreckers we all know which she chose

I'm actually shocked at the slut shaming going on in this thread. Usually MN is up in arms at such things but when it's about an OW it's apparently fine to use degrading, sexist language.

I have been cheated on and I'm sorry but I still think it's disgusting. Projecting your own feelings onto a stranger on the internet is not going to help you.