I am the OW

[headinthesand55]

I have been having an affair with a man for 4 years - with it getting most serious within the last 10-12 months.

I have known about his girlfriend from the beginning. She has found out on a few odd occasions and we have stopped once or twice but we both always go back to each other. I think the initial stages for him were just a bit of fun but he has recently admitted about 3 months ago how he realises how much I mean to him and how he thinks about leaving home every day to be with me.

We have just spent a night away together in a hotel and it was amazing. We both said I love you a few months back and he is absolutely lovely to me and makes me very happy. But obviously, he still hasn't left her. He has a holiday booked with her and mentioned it last night so I know he still plans on being with her in a few months when they go.

I just cannot bring myself to end it with him even thought I know what I am doing is wrong.

He makes me feel amazing and so happy, and I miss him incredibly when we aren't together and he says the same. He has been part of my life for 4 years and I know him very well, but I know I cannot go on for another 4 like this!

Do I give him an outright ultimatum? I know most people on here will say he won't leave her, and I think deep down that is true. However, a mutual friend of ours recently found out her boyfriend was having an affair and he was going on about how she should get shut of him and not stay with him just because they own a house together. He too owns a house with his girlfriend.

Do I tell him exactly how I feel and ask what his plans are? Earlier in the week he said he doesn't know what he is doing with his life and it's a mess.

Notice OP has not come back on (unless a name change)

The idea that these women somehow unfairly inveigle a man into the bedroom is laughable, and part of the way that we infantilise these men instead of treating them as responsible adults who make horrendous, hurtful, soul-destroying decisions. I do feel like it is a way of de-responsibilising them and of not taking either their marital promise or their guilt seriously.

I'm not sure anyone has infantilised their DH's or absolved them of responsibility. I think there are a few people who agree the the OW must at least have some blame - there's enough to go around as Irian said.

The OW surely are also responsible adults who make horrendous, hurtful, soul-destroying decisions. So why shouldn't they get some blame and ire?

My ire is more to do with the fact the OW in my case has decided every so often to attempt to restart things and keeps contacting DH from different email addresses. If she'd changed her behaviour and made a huge effort with her marriage I may have thought, fair enough. But no, she continues to poke away at DH and also sleep with men other than her husband. So, if I want to think she deserves to be despised, I'll carry on, thanks.

I know people make stupid decisions and mess up and make 'mistakes'. I'm not as black and white as some on here. I have friends and know friends of friends who have had affairs. I wouldn't class any of them as hateful, or disgusting. What they did was hateful and disgusting and immoral. However all the people I know, including my DH were/are truly remorseful and have changed their behaviour for the better.

The OW in my case hasn't and won't. She is a serial cheat and not a very subtle one as DH's colleague knows of at least two others and suspects a third... And that's just with people in work!

Unless you can understand where I was mentally ?

Oh I understand darling .... The likes of you put me there .... Thanks for sharing.
Fucking idiots.

"I don't get the ire at the OW. I really don't. Unless she is a friend or (God forbid) relation, she owes the married woman no loyalty and no tie. It's the scumbag DH who is to 'blame' and who has done the betraying."

I agree that the OW/OM hasn't "betrayed" anyone but nonetheless they will have co-created/been complicit in a harmful situation for other parties. There is no rule I am aware of which says that people can only get annoyed at those who contribute to harm if that person had first made vows to those on the receiving end of said harm.

So are there two "types" of mistress:-

A). Vulnerable women.

B). Bunny boilers

And these may not be long-lasting affairs.

Then there are long term mistress's, but what IS the attraction/point of that? Perhaps some long term mistress's will enlighten.

I got propositioned by a married man when I was 18, and even then I had the emotional maturity to see that it would hurt his wife, and small child, not to mention my BF at the time.

He was good looking, looked like one of my favourite actors, but he was married, and I knew it wasn't a nice thing for me to do, so I didn't do it, simple.

The former serial mistress I once knew said she just wanted sex, and did not see it as a moral issue for her as she is not responsible for the morals and choices of others.

The OW in my case was a friend, I was, allegedly, her 'best friend'. I helped her through her own marital problems; dried her tears on many occasions. She knew of my struggles with my autistic daughter, knew that I am a recovering alcoholic and am by no means robust.

My H and her had a short sexual fling two years ago and she is still pursuing him (she's since emigrated but sends emails which he tells me about). She doesn't care if I live or die, gives no shits about my kids.

My relationship with my H may or may not survive, he hates himself as heartily as he should. I don't know what the future holds.

Permission to hate her?

Granted, MrsFring

High- five, Jones.

I have not read the full thread, as it is very long. I have also avoided clicking on it because I thought 'yet another I AM THE OW THREAD'. Anyway, I have bitten.

I would just like to say that if he has only become 'serious' and told you he loves you in the last 10 months after being together for four years, then I bet that he is wanting to leave his relationship and you are just a safety net. But I suspect that you will latch onto that possibility with glee. Just a heads-up: this is not a flattering or desirable state of affairs.

I really cannot relate to the mindset of a woman (or anyone for that matter, but it does seem to be women who do this) who allows herself to be second best. I just don't understand that. My life is the antithesis of that.

Wow, MrsFring. You sound very strong.

I often wonder if these women are for real. Posting on a board such as this. To what end? Do you really think the posters on here are going to give you sympathetic advice? I call seriously deluded poster or troll.

Ok. Then it wasn't a mistake. What about drug users, small time criminals etc. That have period in their life and something happens and they turn their lives around an rebuild it and change. Are they punished forever?? People learn from their experiences. So if you rather I didn't label it a mistake then I won't. But I have learnt from my experience.

Textfan. Whether it's an excuse or not, it's my reason.

I have said before, that I was on the other side of this before. I know what it's like to be cheated on. I understand your rage... I was there too. Thinking how could another woman do that. I judged. Having been the other side of being ow, knowing how I allowed myself to get into that situation, I no longer judge every ow! I've been in your shoes. You haven't been in mine!!

MrsFring... for you.

I can't abide by any suggestion that OW is not to blame. The OW in my case issued my husband an ultimatum, she had no right to do so. He was to cut us off completely and there were to be "no grey areas". She probably did me a favour ultimately, because he would have just continued fucking us both vomit. However, she had first met us when we were newly married, she knew we had a very small child. Why the hell should her behaviour be absolved because she was the "widow" without responsibility? What a load of bollocks....

I became the OW because I was told they were separating but still living together, I believed that 'they' were only staying together for the children and were in the process of separating. I was told they had no physical contact and separate bedrooms for the last 5 years (this seemed evident from the regular photos and messages from early every single morning and throughout and to late every evening every single day for a year). My ex-dh had an affair at the end of our marriage so I assumed they were at the end of theirs. I couldn't understand how so much regular messaging and phoning would go unnoticed if they were still properly together. I also went along with the situation for that time as I didn't want another man taking up too much time in my life with my ds. It's not always black and white.

Thanks Mrs C and LookAtMe. The thing I hate most is how cynical I've become, lost my faith in human nature. Although some of you lot are pretty decent ( looking at you, Jones...).

What I don't understand, is that this is meant to be a message board for people to come to for support. Even people who have done bad things need support to stop them going under. I'm not talking about those who come on here to brag or shit stir. I mean those who have mistakes that are remorseful. It is not a stage for just those who have lived life by the rule book only.

A few weeks back a lady came on here posting about her devestation after breaking up with an attached man. I won't say who the op was as I'm not sure I'm allowed? My point is, she received a lot of support and sympathy - from the majority! When some posters challenged this, other posters said it was because she had always been supportive and offered good advice on the boards.

This means, people knew that fundamentaly, she was a good person... she just did a bad thing.

So why because some of us are not regulars, or known to this board very well, do we not be given a chance to put our point across, when it's clear we are remorseful.

So very wrong. We all have a right to be here and post our woes. Does not mean we are gloating or being insensitive.

never I admire your courage in coming on here to share your story. I am glad that you have managed to move on from both your bad marriage and the affair with MM and wish you all the best.

I find it incredible that vitriol is poured on a woman like never and that she is not even allowed her hold her hands up and say 'I made a mistake, I'm sorry'. Every human being is entitled to that, surely, no matter what they have done, or how long they did it for.

Instead, we applaud the foul-mouthed rants of a woman like MrsC who has just returned from the police station having been arrested for harrasment!

There are many different ways to behave badly; the trick is to have the self knowledge to see what you are doing and do better in future.

Some situations are different. When my dh had an affair, I saw the OW as a symptom of our marriage problems. I know this is not always the case. I didn't blame her, I blamed my dh and I for letting our marriage get to that point.

Thank you pattycakes :-)

I'm not expecting sympathy. But I am not a serial cheater/ow. I have admitted I was wrong but a lot of people can't accept that I blame my state of mind (as a result of an intense abusive relationship) as to why I allowed myself to do such a thing. I never got a kick out of it, gloated or anything such like. I'm sorry I did it. And I've not tried to sugar coat it... Yes, I was only sorry when it ended! When I had time to reflect. When I was dumped and realised I was used! But that was because during my time with mm I was in a bubble. I didn't really know who I was.

I've since been approached by a mm. And I I knew the exactly how to handle myself. Because not only am I in a better place emotionally and mentally but also because I do value myself more than to become ow again. You live and learn... not all of us do but some of us