Not sure how to feel about this

[Confuddledmare]

Apologies in advance if this is tmi.

Last week DH and I had sex, well he had sex with me. I didn't tell him no or to stop but I gave him no outwardly sign that I was up for it, by this I mean I had turned my back on him and was trying to sleep.

So was was stroking me up and down and this would usually get me in the mood and I would give him some sign of this, but I had had a hard day and I really wasn't feeling it. Again I didn't tell him to stop I just lied there and he carried on. As I was lying on my front he came up behind me and had sex with me, all while I was just lying there not making a sound and not moving an inch at all. I don't understand how he could have got any indication that I was feeling up for it. I just left him to finish and then went to sleep.

He knows I've been off with him since so I explained to him that I had felt a bit violated and used tbh. He said if I had asked him to stop then he would have, yes he might have been grumpy about it, but he would rather I said something than just left him. So apparently it is all my own fault, but I can't understand what he got out of a partner just lying there doing nothing?

Both of us are really struggling with it tbh. He won't come near me in case I think he is taking advantage of me and I don't really feel like cuddling up with him so it feels very very awkward in our house right now.

I'm not sure what I'm asking, maybe is it okay to feel the way I did or was I overreacting?

I'm not trying to be difficult, or mean, or get at anyone.

I'm just trying to understand why some people are going to such great lengths to justify something they would never dream of doing themselves. To justify something which would indicate - at very best - that they are really, really terrible at sex...?

i have not been offended by that because it would never have happened to me, in this situation I would have said no if I was not interested. at the worst he is an inconsiderate lover...not a rapist

Wow I didn't mean for this to turn into such a debate about rape and consent.

At the end of the day I don't feel like I was raped, I could have said no at any point but I chose not to. I guess i just hoped that my DH would have picked up the very obvious signs and would have at least asked me if I was okay before having sex with me when I clearly wasn't okay.

He says he read the situation wrongly and he believed that I was up for it as I can be a little sleepy and quiet sometimes but I was quick to point out that even then I do respond to his touch and will show him I'm up for it.

He genuinely does feel awful, he said it makes him feel sick that I could think he was capable of something so awful. He agreed he may have been a bit pissed off but he would have got over it after 5 mins and he said cuddles would have been fine too. I'm not sure I believe that it wouldn't have caused an argument but I will never know.

I don't think I am trying to justify it. I am saying it is not rape. that's a very serious accusation. Actually your posts are venomous, not just mean.

I'm not offended either, nor do I attempt to have sex with flacid penises.
I don't want to turn this into a joke as it's a serious matter but this thread has become sensationalised and silly, I can no longer take it seriously.

Enough said. Good luck OP

confuddledmare. your dh is starting to sound a real sweetheart. I really hope you both get over this and get back to your great sexlife. ignore the crap on here, they are just being antagonistic and can't admit they're wrong

would never say id been raped when I could have said no

OK, well that's up to you.

But you can't impose that rule on other people.

The rule is that you have to say (or indicate) YES.

Not that you must say NO unless you are unable to for some reason.

It's really very clear.

It's strange that people find something so straightforward so difficult to grasp.

It's almost as if they are somehow invested in the belief that if a man has sex with you without your agreement, it's really OK unless you were struggling.

That's good confuddled I'm really glad you are sorting things. Some people just love an argument don't they?

I just don't get why you didn't say anything. Just say I'm too tired and I want to sleep. Sorry this has happened but next time speak up. People aren't mind readers. I don't think all this talk of violation and lack of consent is helpful in this situation. The OP wasn't passed out drunk or anything like that.

he said it makes him feel sick that I could think he was capable of something so awful.

Eh, what the fuck?

He feels sick that you could think he was capable of doing the thing that he actually did?

Why doesn't he feel awful for doing it?

Now that he knows for 100% sure that you didn't want the sex he had with you despite your complete failure to indicate that you did, why the fuck is he still blaming you?

You weren't wrong about what he was capable of.

No bathtime those are your self imposed rules. You don't get to tell others what is acceptable. Goodnight.

Boring!!!

Nope, not my self-imposed rules.

Rape has an actual meaning. Very easy to find out what it is if you are interested.

But repeating rape myths seems to be more the order of things tonight.

Christ Bathtime let it go and stop finding things that aren't there. He probably means he feels sick that the op thought he was going ahead doing it regardless of hee feelings and now he's mortified and scared about the blurred lines. Why do so many women on here try yo impose their stories on others. You've had your say, the op disagrees and you can't change her mind. I think it's hilarious that you and those alike are trying to force your opinion and coerce the op into seeing the situation through your eyes.. so you have the right to force her to think your way? No! You respect she has her own mind. I think you need to learn to respect a few boundaries yourself

People who are calling it rape are not imposing their personal stories...they are referring to defined terms for rape and consent. The OP has said she didn't agree to sex or want sex and she wanted him to stop. There was no consent.

But she didn't tell him to stop! End of. She knows it, he knows it, now let it go!

OP, I'm glad you can find a way to work things out & I hope you feel you have. Please remember that You never need to acquiesce to sexual contact because you're worried about the consequences of saying no or you feel like it's owed because he hasn't had sex for a week. Your body is yours.

More to the point, Amalfi, she didn't tell him to start.

He probably means he feels sick that the op thought he was going ahead doing it regardless of hee feelings

He did go ahead and do it regardless of her feelings.

He should feel sick about that.

He should stop making this about his wife's "mistaken" feelings and have a good look at what actually happened.

He had sex with her against her will.

That is a fact.

Even if he thought at the time that a complete lack of response indicated agreement, he certainly can't think that now.

So why blame her for thinking things about him that were true?

At the time this was happening she still thought there was a chance he would take care to make sure she was up for it before proceeding.

Now they both know that's not true. That he didn't make sure and just did what he wanted.

He has no basis for hurt feelings here.

The person who did the hurtful thing was him.

He should feel mortified, but he should not be trying to make his wife culpable.

They didn't both cross boundaries.

He crossed boundaries.

If he now knows that she didn't respond because she wanted him to stop and knew he would strop if he didn't get sex, he should be abjectly apologetic.

Not trying to manipulate her into taking responsibility for that.

At the end of the day I don't feel like I was raped, I could have said no at any point but I chose not to.

Thanks for being honest OP.

I am really really worried that other women will read some of the extremely misinformed comments on this thread and think that because they knew the person, because they were in a relationship with them, because they didn't verbalise no or try to fight them off in some way, they are to blame or cannot complain about the fact that they were raped.

I'm also quite worried about the boundaries of some posters and what they may personally be tolerating if I'm going to be honest.

The concept of affirmative consent is not difficult to grasp, unless of course you are a man who wants to have sec and thinks that is your right regardless.

However the op needs to deal with this situation in the best way for her at present and I hope you find peace and a way forward that is right for you.

I'm not sure I believe that it wouldn't have caused an argument but I will never know.

Yes you will. You'll find out next time he approaches you for sex, but you're not in the mood. After this debacle, he should NEVER sulk again or make you feel bad in any way. That's how you will know he is genuinely sorry about this.

Really RJ ? You are seriously insulting the intelligence and self esteem of women on here if you think they need you to worry for them. We are in charge of our own bodies, if we don't like what someone is doing to it we have a voice and we can make our feelings known. If we don't then we have to deal with the consequences. Stop creating problems where there are non, the OP has moved on, so should you.

Yes really.