Not sure how to feel about this

[Confuddledmare]

Apologies in advance if this is tmi.

Last week DH and I had sex, well he had sex with me. I didn't tell him no or to stop but I gave him no outwardly sign that I was up for it, by this I mean I had turned my back on him and was trying to sleep.

So was was stroking me up and down and this would usually get me in the mood and I would give him some sign of this, but I had had a hard day and I really wasn't feeling it. Again I didn't tell him to stop I just lied there and he carried on. As I was lying on my front he came up behind me and had sex with me, all while I was just lying there not making a sound and not moving an inch at all. I don't understand how he could have got any indication that I was feeling up for it. I just left him to finish and then went to sleep.

He knows I've been off with him since so I explained to him that I had felt a bit violated and used tbh. He said if I had asked him to stop then he would have, yes he might have been grumpy about it, but he would rather I said something than just left him. So apparently it is all my own fault, but I can't understand what he got out of a partner just lying there doing nothing?

Both of us are really struggling with it tbh. He won't come near me in case I think he is taking advantage of me and I don't really feel like cuddling up with him so it feels very very awkward in our house right now.

I'm not sure what I'm asking, maybe is it okay to feel the way I did or was I overreacting?

I brought up my experience because someone was claiming that my arguments were insulting to "real" rape victims.

Not so people could tell me my rape was real and the OP's rape was not.

If anything, my rapist had more reason to think I was up for it.

Basically now he knows she has to nod her head and clearly say "Penis accepted!" before he can continue, there should be no further problems. Sorry if that sounds flippant but I think the OP's original question and request for advice has been hijacked by others with their own personal axe to grind.

sorry I haven't read all this thread, were you drunk or in some way unable to verbalise that you weren't interested? If not and as you say sex is usually good then then I think you were unreasonable to expect your dh to recognise you didn't want to continue.

No, basically now she knows that she's not allowed to complain if he has sex without her consent, because he will sulk about that too.

LAST WORD disease is prevalent on this thread....

No of course not because that would include having sex with someone who is asleep which is clearly completely different.

So you would have sex with an inert, unresponsive awake person, then?

FFS!!!!

I think it's all been said. Go to bed and have wonderful sex! Don't forget to get your permission slips!

you're not raped if he will 'sulk about it if you don't do it' !

you're not raped if he will 'sulk about it if you don't do it' !

You might be, if he has sex without your consent.

The reason you don't give consent doesn't come into it. You're right.

With all due respect, Pony - most of us are clearly having better sex than you, if either you or your partner think a totally unengaged, unresponsive partner constitutes good sex...

Seriously - the 'do I have to get written permission every time we have sex?' argument, is the argument of people who are rubbish in bed, and not used to people responding enthusiastically to them.

For those who have asked why I didn't say anything, well I already said that he would have not been happy about it after having not had sex for about a week. I think he was just lying there feeling turned on and instead of sorting himself out he used me to do it instead. There have been occasions before where I have said no and he has accused me of not fancying him, not loving him, him not being good in bed etc. I don't think he gets that sometimes, no matter how much he tries to turn me on, I'm just not in the mood.

So the only reason you didn't outright say no, OP, was because you knew you'd get it in the neck if you did.

Instead, you lay there and tried to show with your body language that you weren't into it, hoping he'd get the message (but not give you a hard time) because normally you always respond when he initiates sex and you are in the mood.

So -
a) over time he's made you feel like you haven't got the right to just say no, when you don't want sex for whatever reason
b) he totally ignored cues that in the context of your relationship should have told him very clearly that you weren't up for it
c) when you did tell him afterwards that it made you feel violated, he had a go at you for upsetting him, and now you're even talking about having crossed his boundaries, as if you being upset about the way he treated you is somehow comparable with what he's done to you.

I'm sorry, OP, but I think this is awful. Why doesn't he get that you have the right to say no if you don't feel in the mood? Because he doesn't want to, is the only thing I can think. Because he wants to be able to have sex with you whenever he feels like it. He probably thinks the marital rape laws are a nonsense.

As you said, he used you to sort himself out. What on earth has that got to do with a loving relationship? And this after one week without sex?

I don't know what your MH issues are, obviously, but I would guess that most MH issues would be worsened by living with someone who doesn't accept you have the right to say no to him. I'm sorry this happened to you, OP - and I think there's a reason why you're feeling "confuddled". A man like this is guaranteed to mess with your head. for you.

unless you're incapacitated or in fear of the repercussions (not just a sulk!) you say no if you're not interested. starting to feel sorry for the dh who has been enjoying good sex up til now, how do they come back from this? he won't be trying it on any time soon

So work as long as a woman isn't incapacitated he can do as he pleases?

So work, you're another one who goes ahead and has sex with unresponsive people...?

I'm amazed at the number willing to admit same on this thread.

Who knew so many people were having such depressingly unfulfilling sex...

god no! I have great sex and never do it when I'm not up for it. would never say id been raped when I could have said no

Watching with interest. I think that whilst most people think that what the DH did was not the best move, I also think that OP was foolish to not decline his advances. It was NOT rape. This does not mean I like sex with " inert" bodies as one suggested. I have no complaints in that department and quite frankly I find that argument cuntess ridiculous and rather desperate.

I don't think anyone's said they have sex with unresponsive people dowager! are you saying we are we all rapists too?

That's my entire point. If you wouldn't have, nor enjoy, having sex with an unresponsive person, then why are you justifying the DH thinking it's acceptable?

Why are people trying to justify something they would never do themselves?

Daphne I think the point is most people wouldn't have sex with unresponsive people as they know it's wrong.

Does not make it rape!

People coming on here and getting all offended at the suggestion that they would have sex with an unresponsive person, just goes to show how out of line the DH was.

Otherwise, why be so offended by the question?

I am not offended at all, I don't need mumsnet to bolster my opinion of my sex life. I just don't think that because I wouldn't do it, means that what he did was rape.

Why wouldn't you do it, then?

Why wouldn't you have sex with an unresponsive person?

Because it doesn't turn me on.