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Original poster

Not sure how to feel about this

228 replies

Confuddledmare · 22/07/2015 09:17

Apologies in advance if this is tmi.

Last week DH and I had sex, well he had sex with me. I didn't tell him no or to stop but I gave him no outwardly sign that I was up for it, by this I mean I had turned my back on him and was trying to sleep.

So was was stroking me up and down and this would usually get me in the mood and I would give him some sign of this, but I had had a hard day and I really wasn't feeling it. Again I didn't tell him to stop I just lied there and he carried on. As I was lying on my front he came up behind me and had sex with me, all while I was just lying there not making a sound and not moving an inch at all. I don't understand how he could have got any indication that I was feeling up for it. I just left him to finish and then went to sleep.

He knows I've been off with him since so I explained to him that I had felt a bit violated and used tbh. He said if I had asked him to stop then he would have, yes he might have been grumpy about it, but he would rather I said something than just left him. So apparently it is all my own fault, but I can't understand what he got out of a partner just lying there doing nothing?

Both of us are really struggling with it tbh. He won't come near me in case I think he is taking advantage of me and I don't really feel like cuddling up with him so it feels very very awkward in our house right now.

I'm not sure what I'm asking, maybe is it okay to feel the way I did or was I overreacting?

OP posts:
TheDowagerCuntess · 24/07/2015 19:56

I've never been raped.

I can see quite clearly what happened (due to understanding the concept of consent), and am not projecting any experiences...

LovethenameDaphne · 24/07/2015 19:59

But the OP doesn't believe she was raped does she? And I'm pretty sure she was the only one who was there.

TheDowagerCuntess · 24/07/2015 20:05

Bathtime has just said that it took her two years to call her rape 'rape'. Flowers

Ched Evan's victim didn't realise she'd been raped, either.

It is depressingly normal for rape victims not to name what has happened to them, because admitting it can be very traumatic. This doesn't mean it wasn't rape, because sex without consent is rape, regardless.

The OP may be happy to brush this under the carpet, and that is her choice. It doesn't alter the facts for everyone else reading or lurking.

cailindana · 24/07/2015 20:06

She asked if she was overreacting. What I and others are saying to her is, no, you're not overreacting because what he did was rape.

BathtimeFunkster · 24/07/2015 20:09

But the OP doesn't believe she was raped does she?

Well first of all, that doesn't mean she wasn't.

Second of all, reading her post she sounds to me like a woman who is trying to come to terms with what happened after rape by an intimate partner.

Many, many victims of rape don't see their rape as rape for months or years after it happened. Naming yourself the victim of a rape carries a huge stigma in our society. It's not an easy thing to accept about yourself.

She says that she felt violated.

That's a pretty strong word.

A weird one to gloss over with blithe talk of misunderstandings and assertions (that appear to be based on nothing) about how sorry he is.

fetafeta · 24/07/2015 20:09

Ok i have just read this thread and reread OP. This is not rape unless she told her DH she didn't want to have sex and he still carried on ignoring her protests. I don't care if she didn't verbalise consent, they are in a loving relationship with a good sex life according to OP. If this happens again after discussing it, then I would think he has a problem.
I understand that if you've been unfortunate enough to have been raped, you might be very sensitive around these discussions but i would take my cue from the OP who is not crying rape but it trying to talk through the issue with her husband.

freesiasaresweet · 24/07/2015 20:12

NOT RAPE!

cailindana · 24/07/2015 20:14

So feta, a woman has to tell a man she doesn't want sex, otherwise he can do as he likes?

BathtimeFunkster · 24/07/2015 20:15

This is not rape unless she told her DH she didn't want to have sex and he still carried on ignoring her protests.

Wrong.

When is this rape myth going to die?

I blame "no means no" for the prevalence of this misconception.

fetafeta · 24/07/2015 20:15

bathtime I'm sorry about your experience. One major important difference is that you were asleep, she wasn't. Anyway if I woke up to my DH making a move, I wouldn't mind at all because I trust him and if i wasn't feeling horny i'd say no thanks and he would accept that. If he sulked as OP suggested then tough, he can sulk!

fetafeta · 24/07/2015 20:17

And you had already said no. MAJOR difference.

BertPuttocks · 24/07/2015 20:18

"This is not rape unless she told her DH she didn't want to have sex and he still carried on ignoring her protests."

The onus isn't on the woman to say no or fight the man off.

The onus is on the man to check that he has the consent of the woman.

It doesn't matter whether the man is someone the woman met 5 minutes ago or someone she's been married to for 30 years.

FanOfHermione · 24/07/2015 20:19

Hmm whilst I fully agree about 'if a woman doesn't consent, then it's rape', I am wondering what consent means within a stable, good, long-term relationship.
Someone was mentioning earlier that in their relationship, the baseline is that the consent is a given and I think this is the starting point in most LT relationship.

Which then makes me think
1- there has been no sign of 'non consent'. Her reaction could easily have been taken as a 'can't be bothered to make any effort' type of attitude. In the context of having less ex and the OP not been as keen, her DH could easily have gone down the route 'well ok then. I'll do all the work'.

2- Somehow, her DP didn't read her signs very well. It can be because either he is really crap at it or because similar but not quite the same signs were given before and meant a different thing.

I have to say I can relate to the feelings of 'being used' which is never nice. But also to the ones that says it wasn't a rape ie I was fully aware that I let it happened and in that respect that was consentual. I agreed to have sex but to not really participate iyswim.
The OP is fully entitled to feel as she did at the time. These are her feelings.
She also has talked to her DH, which means better communication and no reason to see something like this happening again.
Her DH is clearly mortified.

Whatelse should happen now? Her leaving her DH for rape?

freesiasaresweet · 24/07/2015 20:24

The onus is on both partners not just the man. She wasn't asleep , her DH whom she has a loving relationship with wants to have sex and she lets him. The problem?

amalficoastplease · 24/07/2015 20:27

There is no problem, only that this couple don't seem to understand each other.

LovethenameDaphne · 24/07/2015 20:29

Finally some posts that apply a bit of common sense to the situation.

cailindana · 24/07/2015 20:30

Daphne do you think that a man has a total right to use his partner's body unless she directly tells him not to?

TheDowagerCuntess · 24/07/2015 20:32

Daphne - do you have sex with inert, unresponsive partners?

LovethenameDaphne · 24/07/2015 20:34

No of course not because that would include having sex with someone who is asleep which is clearly completely different.

Manic3mum · 24/07/2015 20:35

This might sound weird - but DH always asks first. always. and we have been together 10years. It's just a matter of respect surely?

ponymaroney · 24/07/2015 20:36

If you're in bed with your DP getting amorous and he/she tries a position that you don't like , if you don't stop him or indicate you don't like it I think that they would take it that you liked it so therefore not protesting is consenting if you are of able mind and body and in a loving relationship.

ponymaroney · 24/07/2015 20:38

Personally I find asking " is this alright?" a bit Alan Partridge and a passion killer...just saying. Aha!

BathtimeFunkster · 24/07/2015 20:38

As it is so often, the gap between common sense and good sense is very wide when it comes to rape.

feta - why are you comparing my rape to the OP's rape? The circumstances are entirely different. That is just weird.

I am wondering what consent means within a stable, good, long-term relationship.

It certainly doesn't mean lying there entirely unresponsive and hoping he will stop because you don't want sex.

It's hard to think of a less grey area.

You really have to be invested in women staying in relationships with their rapists to be writing that off as a "miscommunication".

And again the claims that he is mortified - he is blaming her for raising the fact that he had sex with her when she didn't want to!

If it had been a genuine case of him imagining that an unresponsive partner was in fact up for sex, surely his concern now would be for her and not his own wounded feelings?

He doesn't sound remotely sorry to me. Just pissed off to be called out on it.

amalficoastplease · 24/07/2015 20:39

haha pony

fetafeta · 24/07/2015 20:41

bathtime you brought up your experience!