Not sure how to feel about this

[Confuddledmare]

Apologies in advance if this is tmi.

Last week DH and I had sex, well he had sex with me. I didn't tell him no or to stop but I gave him no outwardly sign that I was up for it, by this I mean I had turned my back on him and was trying to sleep.

So was was stroking me up and down and this would usually get me in the mood and I would give him some sign of this, but I had had a hard day and I really wasn't feeling it. Again I didn't tell him to stop I just lied there and he carried on. As I was lying on my front he came up behind me and had sex with me, all while I was just lying there not making a sound and not moving an inch at all. I don't understand how he could have got any indication that I was feeling up for it. I just left him to finish and then went to sleep.

He knows I've been off with him since so I explained to him that I had felt a bit violated and used tbh. He said if I had asked him to stop then he would have, yes he might have been grumpy about it, but he would rather I said something than just left him. So apparently it is all my own fault, but I can't understand what he got out of a partner just lying there doing nothing?

Both of us are really struggling with it tbh. He won't come near me in case I think he is taking advantage of me and I don't really feel like cuddling up with him so it feels very very awkward in our house right now.

I'm not sure what I'm asking, maybe is it okay to feel the way I did or was I overreacting?

I don't view that as rape. That's a very strong accusation and the OP knows what happened as she was there. She was awake and let him touch her, he misinterpreted things and carried on. He obviously didn't read the cues right. Stop trying to read his mind and psycho analyse him as an abuser, the op knows her own mind and husband and has judged the situation so let her judge her own instincts rather then forcing yours on her. Her husband may genuinely be mortified and been distant as a result. He's not the first person in a relationship to asume that there partner has gone off them either. Too many women on a witch hunt on here waiting in the shadows to declare abuse.

OP I think your husband could do with working on understanding that you been too tired isn't a personal rejection and you need to feel it's ok to turn him down and he won't get upset. I think that's all that's going on here :)

spot on moopy

"Uptight", "man hating"; all that's needed now for the usual hat-trick is an accusation of being "ugly"

Better than an accusation of rape.

This doesn't sound like rape at all but a misunderstanding. Really glad your DH has taken your worries seriously and I'm glad you are talking it through. Hopefully you can begin to trust each other again and know that neither of you wants to hurt or offend the other.
Rape is a very serious accusation and trial by mumsnet is very dangerous.

Looks like we're back to - don't like being accused of rape? Don't stick your dick in unresponsive women.

Or, to put it more simply - don't like being accused of rape? Don't rape.

The definition of rape is pretty clear.

The OP is clear that she didn't consent but that she was penetrated anyway.

She might not be ready to call it rape yet.

But it was.

And she knows it.

More worryingly, he knows it. And thinks his best approach is to brazen it out and blame her for making a fuss.

They're not comparable. One's the subject being discussed, the other's a silencing technique to prevent that discussion happening.

Response above to banshee.

I cannot believe posters are calling this man a rapist. No wonder so many guilty men get off rape charges when there are irrational women calling 'rape' at every opportunity, in situations where they weren't even present.
Rape is a a very serious offence and not something that should be thrown about lightly, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Was the 'victim' able to consent? Yes. Was she under age? No. Was she incapacitated? No. Did she object? No. What part of that is rape?

Personally, I don't think this was "rape" either. I think however it is firmly part of a wider rape culture & dismissal of female sexual agency so insidious that lots of people are blind to it.

The part of it that was rape was where she didn't consent bansheebou. She knew that if she said no he would sulk, so she just didn't respond, and he went ahead anyway. She can't say no, she has no chance to not consent. He knew she wasn't responding and he just used her, he didn't care, just like he doesn't care about bullying her when she does say no.

I'm bowing out now as I think this has all gone far beyond any type of helpfulness for the original poster.

Take a look at the last poster here: www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/mod-antirape-campaign-launched-with-shocking-posters-of-army-sex-attacks-10413865.html

The ministry of defence certainly thinks it's rape.

I think it preferable to put up with the sulks of a man declined sex than let him carry on when i don't want to. That's a very low self esteem issue. Let him sulk and deal with that attitude in the morning by which time he'd probably have been over it.

pushingthru that was my point in the first place. Sounds like OP has it in hand! We should all butt out.

There are different degrees and modes of rape...but the fact remains OP was subjected to unwanted and non-consensual sexual intercourse

They also thought there were weapons of mass destruction in Afghanistan!

Hold on she knew if she said no he would sulk
She therefore can't say no? Or move out the way? Or say 'sorry love I'm not in the mood' just because he might 'sulk'?
So she appeased her husband to stop him 'sulking' and he is therefore a rapist. Right.
Maybe just a simple no would be clearer for both parties. This is an insult to actual rape victims and unhelpful for the OP. I'm bowing out too.

There are not different 'degrees' of rape, rape is rape.

"I think it preferable to put up with the sulks of a man declined sex than let him carry on when i don't want to. That's a very low self esteem issue. Let him sulk and deal with that attitude in the morning by which time he'd probably have been over it."

So the fact that this man will either sulk or just go ahead and have sex with an unresponsive woman is the OP's problem?? WTF??

Daphne, not it didn't mean that she couldn't say no, it meant that she knew if she did say no he wouldn't just stop, he would go on at her about how she didn't love him etc. She was trying to avoid that by just not responding and he went ahead and did what he wanted anyway, which is totally fucked up.

She could have said no though. He didn't force her, she felt unable to as she wanted to avoid conflict. Stop trying to paint this man as a monster, yes he made a huge error of judgement and needs to accept the OP might not be in the mood and it's ok, he needs to understand that it doesn't reflect bad on her feelings for him.

I remember once earlier in my relationship my DP wasn't in the mood and I sulked and accused him of not fancying me. How many posts have we seen on here from women doing the same yet nobody calls them a bully. They sympathise about then feeling unattractive! The fact is we all should feel comfortable enough in a relationship to be able to say not tonight and we should be confident enough to not take our partners saying no because they are tired as a rejection.

I agree those calling this rape should be ashamed. Women are attacked and raped, women are forced by husbands after a firm no.. that is rape. He may HAve just totally misread the signals and hopefully in future he's learnt from this so that he pays attention to the Ops signals

People who are saying that in order for an act to be called rape there has to be force are the ones who should be ashamed.

It is absolutely not the case that a normal person can be right next to a person and not know whether they want sex or not. It is just not possible. This man knew she wasn't responding. He didn't ask if she was ok or check if she was happy, he just went ahead and did what he want. It is not up to the OP to guard herself against her husband, it is up to her husband to be sure his wife wants sex before he goes ahead. That is just basic human decency.

She obviously didn't feel she could say no.

Thank god for bath time and a few other sane women in here.

I cannot imagine my husband "misunderstanding" that I didn't want to have sex with him if I didn't respond. I am truly sorry so many of you can.

callindana I said that a sulky man in bed next to you because you said you didn't fancy sex is preferable to letting him do it when you really don't want to. When did i say it was the OP's problem?
If she didn't want to she should have let him know clearly. If he then sulked that would be childish and she could discuss his feelings the next day.