Not sure how to feel about this

[Confuddledmare]

Apologies in advance if this is tmi.

Last week DH and I had sex, well he had sex with me. I didn't tell him no or to stop but I gave him no outwardly sign that I was up for it, by this I mean I had turned my back on him and was trying to sleep.

So was was stroking me up and down and this would usually get me in the mood and I would give him some sign of this, but I had had a hard day and I really wasn't feeling it. Again I didn't tell him to stop I just lied there and he carried on. As I was lying on my front he came up behind me and had sex with me, all while I was just lying there not making a sound and not moving an inch at all. I don't understand how he could have got any indication that I was feeling up for it. I just left him to finish and then went to sleep.

He knows I've been off with him since so I explained to him that I had felt a bit violated and used tbh. He said if I had asked him to stop then he would have, yes he might have been grumpy about it, but he would rather I said something than just left him. So apparently it is all my own fault, but I can't understand what he got out of a partner just lying there doing nothing?

Both of us are really struggling with it tbh. He won't come near me in case I think he is taking advantage of me and I don't really feel like cuddling up with him so it feels very very awkward in our house right now.

I'm not sure what I'm asking, maybe is it okay to feel the way I did or was I overreacting?

My DH is a good man, he really does care about me despite the fact it may sound not like it. He always puts my feelings before anyone else's but this time he just read the situation wrongly and he got it wrong.

He is genuinely remorseful,he said at ANY point did he believe that I didn't want him to have sex with me then he wouldn't have. I've asked for him in future to just make sure that I am okay but yes I am in control of my own body and I should have told him I didn't feel like it. I don't usually have any problems saying no but I don't like to feel I am rejecting him all the time, I know I wouldn't like that either.

You just need to keep the lines of communication open then, confuddled. I understand what you mean about not wanting to feel as if you're rejecting him all the time. In the years after our DC were born (close together) our sex life took a nose-dive as I wasn't getting anywhere near enough sleep, and if I was in bed I wanted to have sleep, not sex. My sex drive was non-existent, and I was saying no a lot. DH always accepted it, but I often felt bad because sex is one part of feeling intimate as a couple, etc, and I knew he was missing it.

My rejection of sex was just that, a rejection of sex, not of him.

Can you find a time to talk to him, free of distraction and when neither or you are likely to react defensively, and explain that to him? He needs to understand loud and clear that it's OK for you not to want sex sometimes and it's not a rejection of him. Him getting sex by sulking cannot possibly be a good outcome for either of you - he has to understand and acknowledge that.

If he doesn't, then this is never going to resolve itself. You are far more likely to get your stride back (and more quickly) if he is understanding and accepting. And on the flip side, if he continues to deploy the sex-by-sulking method, he's going to achieve nothing more or less than to build up your resentment and make you want him less. And less...

Fair enough if you want to look past this - it's your relationship to conduct as you see fit. But this has to be a learn from his (and it is his) mistake, to ensure it never happens again situation. People do make mistakes - it's OK (to an extent) as long as they genuinely learn from them.

OP fwiw I think you've consented to sex you didn't really want and were hoping that your DH would take the hint instead of having to tell him.

Now let me tell you. Feeling that I ought to have sec with DH, there has been a time when I sort if 'forced myself' to have sex, ie not saying NO but not really engaging either, just to keep the peace. Just because I had read so many times that I couldn't withhold sex like this. Because sex us the ciment of relationship. Because I wasn't to use sex as a weapon.
That was the worst decision I've ever taken.

Please don't ever think you ought to have sex because that's what a good wife does or whatever other reason you can find. Having sex when you don't really want to is the best kier of a relationship. It will make you resentful and angry.