Not sure how to feel about this

[Confuddledmare]

Apologies in advance if this is tmi.

Last week DH and I had sex, well he had sex with me. I didn't tell him no or to stop but I gave him no outwardly sign that I was up for it, by this I mean I had turned my back on him and was trying to sleep.

So was was stroking me up and down and this would usually get me in the mood and I would give him some sign of this, but I had had a hard day and I really wasn't feeling it. Again I didn't tell him to stop I just lied there and he carried on. As I was lying on my front he came up behind me and had sex with me, all while I was just lying there not making a sound and not moving an inch at all. I don't understand how he could have got any indication that I was feeling up for it. I just left him to finish and then went to sleep.

He knows I've been off with him since so I explained to him that I had felt a bit violated and used tbh. He said if I had asked him to stop then he would have, yes he might have been grumpy about it, but he would rather I said something than just left him. So apparently it is all my own fault, but I can't understand what he got out of a partner just lying there doing nothing?

Both of us are really struggling with it tbh. He won't come near me in case I think he is taking advantage of me and I don't really feel like cuddling up with him so it feels very very awkward in our house right now.

I'm not sure what I'm asking, maybe is it okay to feel the way I did or was I overreacting?

I just don't understand why when he stroked you, you didn't just say "not tonight" or "I'm too tired" or similar. This is your husband not some stranger and presumably you trust each other. You expected him to stop when you didn't respond, when he didn't why on earth did you just lie there?? You can't say you were shocked or scared, this was your husband!! You told him the next day you felt " a bit violated".....just a bit! Just don't get it at all. You've confused him and yourself. If you didn't want to have sex you should've been clear!

^why are you so angry with the OP? She's trying to make sense of this situation & organise her thoughts about it all with the help of others' views. Why didn't she stop it? Well, why didn't he?

Why didn't he stop it?

Presumably because he was happy for it to continue and thought she was too given that she didn't communicate to him that she wasn't.

This thread is mumsnet at its worst.

Can we all perhaps stop telling the op how she should feel and how she should have reacted?

But, Folkgirl (for example), would you continue having sex with an inert, unresponsive person?

Well I wouldn't.

But then I wouldn't not say anything either.

The op thought she was communicating one thing, the husband thought he was reading another.

I haven't said anywhere that I think it's ok, but, based on the info so far, I think it's an error in communication on both sides, rather than something automatically more sinister.

But that's it, full stop. No, you wouldn't. No-one, who's not a rapey type of person would. I probably would've said something too, but who knows, I can kinda see how she maybe didn't.

But bottom line - there isn't a single person posting on this thread who would continue to have sex with an inert, unresponsive person. Not a single person.

Why are some people contorting themselves sideways, trying to explain away why the OP's husband carried on? it's not OK.

I really think it depends on the dynamics of the relationship and the usual sexual quirks. We know no history here.

There are several times my DP has been watching TV, I've had a little play around with him, aroused him and got on top... All the while, he's remained watching TV. He finds it sexy. I find his submissiveness sexy as he's usually in control. Not a word is uttered nor is indication given that I should carry on, but we know this is "us".

Clearly, the OP's DH thought it was ok to carry on. She should have spoken up!! When he was pulled on it, he felt terrible. So now both feel terrible when a simple "no" could have prevented it.

More contorting.

Clearly, this couple do not have such a dynamic. Or the OP wouldn't be posting about this.

Playing inert and unresponsive is all well and good if it's an understood 'thing' in your relationship. That's not the case here. And in which case, what was he thinking?

I think that the op's original post says it all. She asks " Am I overreacting?" she felt "A bit violated" these are not the thoughts of someone who has had a horrible ordeal. Don't castigate posters for giving their honest opinion, it's what the op asked us to do! None of us really know the ins and outs of their relationship, we can only relate it to our own circumstances and experiences. I agree with TokenGinger in that it can be a submissive thing, especially in the wake of 50 shades!

Stop being disingenuous - it can be a submissive thing in a mutually agreeable situation. Once again, that clearly doesn't apply to the OP.

Out of interest, how crap in bed are you, captain?

Do you have sex with unresponsive partners, and genuinely believe them to be enjoying it, when it's not a 'thing' you'd previously discussed and agreed to?

But she didn't disagree did she? She was awake, she accepted his advances. She now feels awful, he feels awful. Hopefully this will prompt a frank discussion about what is and what is not acceptable for them sex wise. BUT, she did come on Mumsnet and ask for opinions.

dowager I am in a loving, trusting marriage. If I'm not happy with anything my DH does in bed, I let him know and vice versa. Simple.

She didn't accept his advances. What part of inert, unresponsiveness is 'accepting his advances', other than in people who are totally rubbish in bed?

Ha ha ha how funny that if you can't get agreement on your opinion, you resort to insulting other posters.

What? Saying someone's a crap lover because they think penetrating an unresponsive person is OK, is insulting them?

Okaaaaaayy...

Once again. We're not talking about people who have an agreed 'thing'.

We're talking about someone using somebody else's orifice to have sex in, when they're absolutely not responding at all.

There's a difference, although some people seem to find that difficult to get their heads around...

There are a lot of women having dreary & depressing sex out there if 'she didn't disagree' is the pinnacle of informed consent & sexual agency. Consent to sexual activity is normally shown through demonstrated & reciprocated physical interest instead of a strict reliance on verbal cues. It's weird why anybody would want to do that.

The fact that you did't say no means you are consenting

No.

No it doesn't.

There was no consent for penetration, and yet penetration happened anyway.

We all know that that is called.

The man who didn't bother to get consent also made it clear that had consent been given he would have made his displeasure clear.

Not a nice man. Not a person you can trust with your wellbeing.