Not sure how to feel about this

[Confuddledmare]

Apologies in advance if this is tmi.

Last week DH and I had sex, well he had sex with me. I didn't tell him no or to stop but I gave him no outwardly sign that I was up for it, by this I mean I had turned my back on him and was trying to sleep.

So was was stroking me up and down and this would usually get me in the mood and I would give him some sign of this, but I had had a hard day and I really wasn't feeling it. Again I didn't tell him to stop I just lied there and he carried on. As I was lying on my front he came up behind me and had sex with me, all while I was just lying there not making a sound and not moving an inch at all. I don't understand how he could have got any indication that I was feeling up for it. I just left him to finish and then went to sleep.

He knows I've been off with him since so I explained to him that I had felt a bit violated and used tbh. He said if I had asked him to stop then he would have, yes he might have been grumpy about it, but he would rather I said something than just left him. So apparently it is all my own fault, but I can't understand what he got out of a partner just lying there doing nothing?

Both of us are really struggling with it tbh. He won't come near me in case I think he is taking advantage of me and I don't really feel like cuddling up with him so it feels very very awkward in our house right now.

I'm not sure what I'm asking, maybe is it okay to feel the way I did or was I overreacting?

Oh Christ.

The responsibility doesn't lie with the penetrated to ensure they are vocal about lack of consent.

THE RESPONSIBILITY LIES WITH THE PENETRATOR TO ENSURE THEY HAVE CONSENT.

And yes I meant the caps.

So again, it's all about what she should have done amalfi. She shouldn't have to put up with sulking, and her DH certainly shouldn't go ahead and do as he pleases when his wife isn't responding.

Cailindana - surely it would be better to sit down and have a conversation with her husband about her concerns regarding his sulking behaviour rather than just lie still and expect him to realise she doesn't want sex?
I've had lazy sex with my husband many times before. Spooning just turns into sex, it's nothing sinister or odd and at times I probably wouldn't have appeared that responsive. It's part and parcel of a healthy marriage to trust your partner and to communicate as everyone has different boundaries. The issue in this situation (as stated by the OP herself) is one of communication, not assault!

Was the 'victim' able to consent? Yes. Was she under age? No. Was she incapacitated? No. Did she object? No. What part of that is rape?

This part:

Did she consent? No

I'm in the middle here - I can see why it would be classed as "rape" but I can also see the view of the other posters that say it isn't. It is such a fine line.

I don't know much about this topic (other than it has to be the most horrendous thing a woman can go through) but I always assumed "rape" was when, despite being told no and being pushed away, the man carried on with the sexual act. But I could be naive here so please don't shoot me down. Although OP did not want sex, she still laid there without saying a word and let him do this to her which is why I am a little confused as to why it would be "rape".

Sorry for my naivety on this - any clarification always welcome and OP, well I hope you sort things out one way or another. It isn't nice though that he is blaming you and that would a definitely cause for concern, on top of fact he carried on knowing you weren't interested.

The OP was lying in her own bed, trying to sleep. She shouldn't have to guard herself against anyone, least of all her husband.

Daphne, her husband has communicated plenty by going on at her about how she doesn't love him if she says no to sex.

I probably wouldn't have appeared that responsive.

The OP was very clear that she did not respond at all.

Not at all.

And the reason she didn't respond was because she didn't want to have sex.

Comparing consensual "lazy" sex to a man having sex with a woman who does not want sex and has not indicated that she does want sex is what is insulting to "real" rape victims.

Princess, say you offered your DP cake and he didn't respond, would you then just put the cake in his mouth?

'Trying to sleep' did he know that? All she had to say is 'no, I'm trying to sleep' and he would have stopped. Had he not stopped then this would be rape. What is so hard about that?? This is an interaction between man and wife not a total stranger who she was intimidated by.
This really does belittle rape for real victims.

This may be useful

rockstardinosaurpirateprincess.com/2015/03/02/consent-not-actually-that-complicated/

If you asked someone if they wanted a cup of tea and they didn't answer would make them one and pour it down their throat? No?

Hmm.

I always assumed "rape" was when, despite being told no and being pushed away, the man carried on with the sexual act.

You assumed wrong.

Or, more likely, you assumed nothing and were taught (as were, it seems, several posters on this thread) that rape happens when a woman doesn't succeed in fighting a man off.

But that's not so.

Rape happens when a man penetrates a person with his penis without consent.

That consent can be given in several ways, but it must be given.

In this case, it was not given.

This also may help

leftycartoons.com/2014/10/09/rape-consent-affirmative-consent-explained/

Actually if I asked someone if they wanted a cup of tea and they didn't answer I'd probably assume they hadn't heard me and leave it on the table. Ridiculous analogy.

No it isn't daphne.

You would leave it.

You said it...

"All she had to say is 'no, I'm trying to sleep' "

And all he had to say was "Is this okay?"

...they are men haters.

Green - why do you think hating rapey men = being a man hater?

I think most men do not have rapey tendencies; you clearly do not. You're the man-hater. Think about it.

This really does belittle rape for real victims.

I'm a "real" victim of rape.

So stop speaking on my behalf, thanks.

I didn't call my rape a rape for two years after it happened.

Because I didn't struggle, I didn't fight him off, he might have thought, blah, blah, blah.

But the reality was that I was asleep, I had said no to sex, and he just did it anyway. Because he wanted to. Because my consent was unimportant to him, because he thought he had the right to carry on.

She didn't have to say anything.

He doesn't get to presume her consent just because they are married and he's horny.

She didn't consent.

He penetrated her anyway.

That is rape.

It is ridiculous. Sex is very personal to couples and rape cannot be compared to making someone a cup tea ffs.
OP said herself he often starts touching her and it turns into sex from spooning. She didn't respond this time, but he didn't realise that. He is mortified. This isn't rape it's miscommunication between a couple about their boundaries. I have nothing more to say now.

Daphne - the analogy works perfectly. You, yourself, said you would leave it.

'He didn't realise she didn't respond'.

What.....?

How did he not realise?

Except for....I think you should be careful about projecting your own experiences onto an otherwise happy marriage. It's very dangerous.

I think you should be careful about projecting your own experiences onto an otherwise happy marriage. It's very dangerous.

You mean like comparing a woman's rape to your lazy sex?

I agree, that is dangerous.