Not sure how to feel about this

[Confuddledmare]

Apologies in advance if this is tmi.

Last week DH and I had sex, well he had sex with me. I didn't tell him no or to stop but I gave him no outwardly sign that I was up for it, by this I mean I had turned my back on him and was trying to sleep.

So was was stroking me up and down and this would usually get me in the mood and I would give him some sign of this, but I had had a hard day and I really wasn't feeling it. Again I didn't tell him to stop I just lied there and he carried on. As I was lying on my front he came up behind me and had sex with me, all while I was just lying there not making a sound and not moving an inch at all. I don't understand how he could have got any indication that I was feeling up for it. I just left him to finish and then went to sleep.

He knows I've been off with him since so I explained to him that I had felt a bit violated and used tbh. He said if I had asked him to stop then he would have, yes he might have been grumpy about it, but he would rather I said something than just left him. So apparently it is all my own fault, but I can't understand what he got out of a partner just lying there doing nothing?

Both of us are really struggling with it tbh. He won't come near me in case I think he is taking advantage of me and I don't really feel like cuddling up with him so it feels very very awkward in our house right now.

I'm not sure what I'm asking, maybe is it okay to feel the way I did or was I overreacting?

That had consent not been given.

He felt entitled to sex, so he took it regardless of how his wife felt.

If she had objected, he would have sulked.

So saying no was not something he felt was a real option for her.

It doesn't have to be verbal, she could have changed her position or gently moved him away. It's just so weird that she lay there and let him and then complained days later and you all seem to think that is ok!!

Fyi my sex life is fantastic. We have never discussed what's acceptable, don't need to. As i said i love and trust my DH implicitly and we respect each others bodies and wishes.

The op's DH is mortified that she thought so low of him, he's not a rapist. Too many posters are trying to paint him that way when it was a simple misunderstanding. Move on.

The OP is HERSELF mortified that her husband thinks so low of HER as to treat her like a piece of meat. Why do you feel sorry for him? Is it any wonder we have a society steeped in rape culture, when there are fools reading this scenario & believing this woman's husband is the wronged party.

He didn't bother to check that he had the OP's consent before inserting his penis.

He didn't even bother to check that she was happy with what he was doing.

He admits that he would have been "grumpy" if she had said no.

Rather than accept that he behaved badly and that he also needs to make sure that he has consent, he's playing the wounded 'I'm not coming near you at all now in case you think I'm taking advantage' game.

You weren't overreacting, Confuddled.

Some people are more uptight than others, obviously.

It doesn't have to be verbal, she could have changed her position

Exactly.

But she did nothing to indicate consent.

And still he went ahead.

That's called rape.

The only "misunderstanding" was that he thought she wouldn't complain afterwards.

Now he's playing the martyr at being called out on being a rapist.

"Oh poor me. I'm so offended that you're calling me raping you rape, rather than accepting the old 'miscommunication' lie that wives have been expected to put up with for generations. Boo hoo hoo."

I have no tactics. I am simply offering a different opinion. The only people who matter here are the OP and her DH. She says they have a great relationship and sex life normally, so it is hardly helpful to label her DH as some kind of sex pest! They will get over it, you should to!

That comment honestly deserves nothing more than silence.

He didn't bother to check that he had the OP's consent before inserting his penis.

I'm intrigued to know how many men say to their women whilst straddled over them, "can I put my penis in there please?"

So you typed a response pushing thru .

^none. Which is why they check for signs of life & interest in other ways.

"I'm intrigued to know how many men say to their women whilst straddled over them, "can I put my penis in there please?""

Personally I would be looking for consent before it got to the straddling stage.

Really bert?

Why didn't you say stop to him ?

Is it really such a novel idea that I might expect a man to check it's okay before sticking his penis into my body?

I'm not expecting a signed contract. Even a simple "You up for it tonight, Bert?" would at least be a start.

He admitted that he would he 'a bit grumpy' if she said no so maybe that's why she didn't say anything. OP has said she was tired. Consent is about saying 'yes' not about having to say no anyway. www.wecanstopit.co.uk/

Oh god bert that sounds sooo sexy....

Oh god bert that sounds sooo sexy....hmm

But rape... that's sexy. Amirite?

Please keep going, you are so entertaining!

I cannot believe you would-be lawyers on here! You have already branded this man a rapist! None of us were there, we don't know what was said or indicated but it certainly doesn't sound like rape. It sounds like a misunderstanding. The op definitely is partly to blame as is her DH. She asked if she was overreacting and as could have been predicted, the responses have been mixed. This marriage will probably get over this through communication, convicting her DH of rape is not on.

Sorry I'm only now coming back to this, I haven't disappeared!

For those who have asked why I didn't say anything, well I already said that he would have not been happy about it after having not had sex for about a week. I think he was just lying there feeling turned on and instead of sorting himself out he used me to do it instead. There have been occasions before where I have said no and he has accused me of not fancying him, not loving him, him not being good in bed etc. I don't think he gets that sometimes, no matter how much he tries to turn me on, I'm just not in the mood.

And yes sometimes we are in the same scenario but I will make it absolutely clear that I am in the mood for are, little moans and me moving around. I will stroke his body and move to kiss him before we start having sex. But there was none of that, I was desperately trying to get to sleep and I honestly just lied there quiet and still. I know I should have asked him to stop but in all honesty I kept thinking he must realise by my body language that I'm not enjoying this and he would either stop or at least ask me if I was okay.

We have discussed it at length since (I don't think there are any trust or communication issues in our marriage usually, we can talk about anything) and he feels mortified still. We have barely even kissed and cuddled since let alone anything else because he refuses to come near me. He said I could never use this as an excuse to say I feel like he's not showing me affection or attention (which I don't complain about anyway as he is a very affectionate person).