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Original poster

Boyfriend won't say my name

999 replies

YellowRose08 · 21/07/2015 11:07

Very random annoyance... might seem minor to a lot of peoples problems on here but it is driving me round the bend!!

I'm in a new relationship of a few months, lovely guy, honeymoon phase, very happy ect..
However, he continues to mispronounce my first name even after I have told him and corrected him multiple times. When I first told him, he was apologetic, said he hadn't realised and he would try and get it right. However, he is still saying it wrong all the time, he's getting defensive now and saying that his way is easier for him to say and that I will 'have to accept that he cannot say it'.
I would accept it if he had a genuine speech impediment(he doesnt) and he can say it right because I've heard him! I think he's just got into the habit of saying it wrong and can't get used to the different way.
It's really getting me down though. It makes me cringe everytime he says my name. My friends give me awkward looks when they hear him say it wrong and he's introducing me to his friends with the wrong name!!
I've told him several times how annoying it is but he doesnt seem to be listening??
Am I overreacting to think it is very disrespectful?? I feel like he can't be bothered to get it right- why should I be with someone who can't make the effort to get my name right?!?!

What should I say to him?? I feel like I will explode if he says it wrong again!

Note - my name is not difficult. Its an English name, there are 2 different pronounciations and ive had it said wrong by 50% of people I meet, but its very easy to say!!

OP posts:
8angle · 21/07/2015 16:19

If he doesn't have a physical or mental issue that makes it difficult to pronounce certain words then he is doing it on purpose - imagine if it was his boss's name - would he keep getting it wrong then after repeatedly being given the correct enunciation?
Whether consciously or subconsciously he is pushing you to see how far he can go and what he can get away with. This is the honeymoon period in your relationship and he is repeatedly pissing you off and in a deeper way dismissing your very identity.
This will not end well so probably better to end it sooner rather than later, sorry.

achieve15 · 21/07/2015 16:20

he is bilingual? Gosh, he's probably better at getting pronunciation right than someone who isn't. I am awful at languages but I would never, ever, just carry on calling someone by the wrong pronunciation of the name.

Is this work do tonight? And it's his work? I'd just ring and tell him you're not going and he's dumped!

fourflights · 21/07/2015 16:23

I'm surprised that no one else has said it, so I will,

"When A Man Tells You Who He Is, Believe Him"

Original poster
YellowRose08 · 21/07/2015 16:23

Thank-you everyone. I'm glad that I wasn't just being oversensitive :(

OP posts:
SuperFlyHigh · 21/07/2015 16:24

dealbreaker

Original poster
YellowRose08 · 21/07/2015 16:26

Yes the work do is tonight, its just drinks in town. Dinner with his parents first as well though

OP posts:
SuperFlyHigh · 21/07/2015 16:29

I have an unusual name (Russian/Polish) and almost everyone I know (apart from my nana but she's excused! Smile has managed to say, pronounce it, write it etc correctly.

the few that have mispronounced it on purpose I soon correct or I know they are doing it to piss me off.

This has included friends/colleagues from all over the world, China, Japan etc... India, Africa through to French/Spanish/Polish/Romania/Bulgaria etc to name but a few... all of them have managed to pronounce and write my name correctly!

category1 · 21/07/2015 16:30

OK, he's an intelligent person who has told you he is controlling. He's happy to correct you, but guilts you if you correct him about your name. You're embarrassed to correct him publicly because people will wonder why you're with someone who can't be bothered to get your name right.

I think he was truthful about the sort of person he is.

AdoraBell · 21/07/2015 16:31

Sorry, haven't got time To read through but on the first page OP you said it's making you not want To be around your friends.

This is one of his goals. Once he has cut your friends out of your Life it will be your family, then you only have him so having someone will better than being totally alone, even if he cannot be bothered To use your name

Get rid, he isn't worth the pain he will cause you.

SuperFlyHigh · 21/07/2015 16:34

Have just re-read all of your OP - those are all massive red flags...

you can easily find a nicer man who won't make an issue about your name and also won't be a control freak into the bargain.

CheersMedea · 21/07/2015 16:36

I don't believe he is doing it deliberately
Believe it. He is.

He may not be actually depending on the name. Can I just ask, is there a class/cultural pronunciation issue here do you think? This will depend on what the name is but for example:

if you say sconn you say sconn; someone complaining to you that you should say s-cone isn't going to change your default pronunciation.

To translate it into a name sense -
some people say Ralph pronouncing the L; some people will say Rafe.

If that is ingrained in you as the "correct" pronunciation it will be really difficult to adopt a different pronunciation because someone tells you their pronunciation is the "correct" way. Just as it would be to change from scone/sconn.

There are also some names that have a similar cultural baggage with them. (eg. a French emphasis versus an English emphasis)

All I'm saying is that the people who are saying "he's being abusive/controlling/doing it deliberately" may not be right. It really depends on what your name is and whether there is a class/cultural issue that goes with it.

Obviously, he should make an effort but it maybe something that he just can't overcome. I wouldn't start saying Garridge for any one! So if it is a class/culture thing - it maybe that you can't take it any further as a relationship.

Twinklestein · 21/07/2015 16:40

Ah he's a cunning linguist.

Of course it's deliberate, of course it's passive aggressive. He can't be arsed to get your name right because that subtly communicates to you he can't be entirely arsed with you, and that makes him feel more in control.

It's no surprise he's been single for a long time.

Some men (and women too) have conflicting feelings about being in a relationship.

achieve15 · 21/07/2015 16:41

fourflights - didn't Maya Angelou say that about people rather than men?
I agree with her, but just wondered if we were thinking of the same thing.

I don't know about the scone - sgone thing. If someone asks me to pronounce their name with the emphasis in one place, I will. It's that simple. My habits in other ways would be put to one side to ensure I said their name correctly. If you struggle, you have to at least make an effort, but OP's BF isn't struggling anyway.

Goldmandra · 21/07/2015 16:45

What other signs are red flags???

There are already two red flags here.

The first is that he doesn't have enough respect for you to make the effort to use your chosen name correctly in the first place. He should just want to get that right.

The second is that, when you have raised your feelings about this behaviour, his immediate reaction was to turn it round and make it all about his feelings. He tried (and succeeded?) to make you that you were causing him harm by asking for the most basic level of respect. That is ludicrously controlling.

Ask yourself now what else he does to manipulate you in this way. How else does he do to make you feel bad about hurting him by expressing very reasonable emotions?

I was manipulated by this sort of behaviour when I was a child. He made me feel guilty for hurting his feelings by asking if I could go and play with the other children. He was grooming me for abuse. In other ways he was lovely, kind and attentive and those things made it very hard for me to say no to him or think of him as someone who could hurt me on purpose.

Anniegetyourgun · 21/07/2015 16:48

You'd have a perfectly good point if it was about pronunciation of mere words, CheersMedea, but this is someone's name, which means how they pronounce it is what it is. I wouldn't say garridge in normal speech either, not under torture or anything, but if someone's surname was Garage and they always pronounced it Garridge I would because it's their name. Doesn't matter what word it looks like. You don't go taking liberties with people's names. (I sometimes tell people who try to take a liberty with my name that my FIL used to do that, and he died. Whether these facts are in any way related to each other I let people work out for themselves.)

Twinklestein · 21/07/2015 16:48

Fwiw, my husband is French and I took trouble to pronounce his name exactly correctly when we first met. I spoke good French but his name is harder for the English to say than others. His is a less common version of a popular French name, the more common version is easier to pronounce - but to me - that's not his name. Equally the English version of his name is spelt the same, but that's not his name either.

It was important to me to get his name exactly right, not simply from respect, but because if I pronounced it wrong, I felt I was talking to or about somebody else.

TheCraicDealer · 21/07/2015 16:53

Dump him then set "Say My Name" by Destiny's Child as his ringtone, so that whenever he inevitably calls to say you're being unreasonable you instantly remember why he's such an arsehole.

Original poster
YellowRose08 · 21/07/2015 16:53

You are all right. He should get it right simply because he wants to. I will say this all to him

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 21/07/2015 16:56

Just call him Dick for a bit and see how he responds...

CheersMedea · 21/07/2015 16:58

but if someone's surname was Garage and they always pronounced it Garridge I would because it's their name

I agree with you that I would try. I would make an effort but there are some cultural/class name things (asmall handful and it may not apply here) where I think even with the best will in the world, I just don't think I could do it. I would invariably default back to the "correct" way.

I'm thinking of the kind of names where a particular pronunciation is either excruciatingly pretentious or marks you out as very lower class (shoot me now for snobbery I know!) But the kind of thing where you couldn't do it without really cringing inside.

This is a small class of names and it may not apply here anyway.

Preciousbane · 21/07/2015 17:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

achieve15 · 21/07/2015 17:04

OP - let us know what he says. I wouldn't mention canvassing opinions by the way. I have a feeling he will seize on that as "this isn't what you really think". I'm not a great fan of all the terminology attached to relationship issues but I do think someone who can't be arsed to say your name correctly just isn't worth dating, even casually.

CheersMedea - I can't even think of a name like that, but then I am blissfully ignorant of what is considered a particular class way of saying things.

I also think that when it's the name of a partner - rather than a neighbour or colleague - you'd be using it so often it would be impossible to default back. It's like Helen or Helene, surely? You just say it the way it is according to the Name Owner.

NameChange30 · 21/07/2015 17:04

thecraicdealer
"Dump him then set "Say My Name" by Destiny's Child as his ringtone, so that whenever he inevitably calls to say you're being unreasonable you instantly remember why he's such an arsehole."
Grin

OP, I'm glad you're going to talk to him tonight. In an earlier post you said that maybe you didn't explain properly how much it was upsetting you. Don't fall into the trap of blaming yourself for this! He should have known without you saying ANYTHING that it's important to say your name the way you say it. What's more, you have told him you don't like it - you've corrected him - and then he blamed you for saying something. He will probably try that again when you bring it up tonight. Don't let him!

The thing is, regardless of the name issue (which is a dealbreaker) he has actually told you he's selfish and controlling. Why didn't that make you want to run a mile?!

Twinklestein · 21/07/2015 17:06

There is no correct way with names, most have different variants.

I know a Maria and a Mar-eye-ah, a Sopheea and a Soph-eye-a, a Carol-eye-ne and a Carol-in.

anonacfr · 21/07/2015 17:07

It's your fucking name FFS!

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