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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boyfriend won't say my name

999 replies

YellowRose08 · 21/07/2015 11:07

Very random annoyance... might seem minor to a lot of peoples problems on here but it is driving me round the bend!!

I'm in a new relationship of a few months, lovely guy, honeymoon phase, very happy ect..
However, he continues to mispronounce my first name even after I have told him and corrected him multiple times. When I first told him, he was apologetic, said he hadn't realised and he would try and get it right. However, he is still saying it wrong all the time, he's getting defensive now and saying that his way is easier for him to say and that I will 'have to accept that he cannot say it'.
I would accept it if he had a genuine speech impediment(he doesnt) and he can say it right because I've heard him! I think he's just got into the habit of saying it wrong and can't get used to the different way.
It's really getting me down though. It makes me cringe everytime he says my name. My friends give me awkward looks when they hear him say it wrong and he's introducing me to his friends with the wrong name!!
I've told him several times how annoying it is but he doesnt seem to be listening??
Am I overreacting to think it is very disrespectful?? I feel like he can't be bothered to get it right- why should I be with someone who can't make the effort to get my name right?!?!

What should I say to him?? I feel like I will explode if he says it wrong again!

Note - my name is not difficult. Its an English name, there are 2 different pronounciations and ive had it said wrong by 50% of people I meet, but its very easy to say!!

OP posts:

janetandroysdaughter · 21/07/2015 15:39

How weird. Think I'd give up pretty quickly on a bloke who couldn't be arsed to work out my name.

MarvinKMooney · 21/07/2015 15:42

I've been in your shoes, OP. When we first met, my Ex-p insisted on shortening my name to a common derivative. I hated it. I have always been known by the full version of my name (jeez -it's only 2 syllables!).

With him, it was a lack of respect, and something that continued for the next 11 years.

I wished I had had the balls to continue to correct him and possibly to end the relationship in those early months. It would have saved a lot of upset in the long run.

Cabrinha · 21/07/2015 15:43

Another though - and it's still about it being deliberate.
Does he 'approve' of your name?
One poster mentioned An-DREE-a vs. An-DRAY-a.
I have a friend who thinks the latter is stupid and pretentious and changing it for the sake of it. (Not me, any AnDRAYas out there!)
I can well imagine him 'refusing' to use it in a stupid, rude, PA protest.

Doesn't make it acceptable! But could be another reason for WHY?

cuntycowfacemonkey · 21/07/2015 15:44

He openly admits he's selfish and controlling, he won't say your name properly and blames you for making HIM feel bad. Seriously he sounds a right tosser. Walk away now before you invest too much time in him

MarvinKMooney · 21/07/2015 15:47

^ and that is what I should have done.

Pinkcloud6 · 21/07/2015 15:47

Red flag me thinks!

PushingThru · 21/07/2015 15:48

Tan-ya, Tahn-ya is another one, isn't it? Some people think the latter pronunciation sounds pretentious, not that that's the point. People have the right to have their name said properly, especially if they've been spoken to about it.

achieve15 · 21/07/2015 15:50

YellowRose "Why would he do it deliberately? He has been single a long time, has wanted to be in a relationship for ages. Why would he then try and be horrible on purpose?"

you know what, I think some people who are horrible aren't actually horrible on purpose in the sense that they haven't sat there planning it. But if they are naturally inclined to be inconsiderate and continue to be that way when something is pointed out to them, you're talking about someone...inconsiderate. And I don't see why anyone wants a relationship with someone who is inconsiderate, what would be the point?

sorry if this is a bit harsh but I think deep down you know it's not a good sign.

Original poster

YellowRose08 · 21/07/2015 15:52

I'm a bit of a control freak too - doesn't mean I'd be emotionally abusive?? Maybe I just haven't emphasised how upset it makes me. Im driving us to the works do so if he pisses me off I can just drive home and leave him stranded ha-ha. I will definitely tell him tonight and be forceful and basically give an ultimatum. Be interesting to see his reaction

OP posts:

category1 · 21/07/2015 15:53

Either drop him or pointedly correct him every single time without caring if you embarrass him, because he isn't putting the same value on your feelings as you are on his .

I know you probably feel swamped by the response and want to say it's not that bad really, but our names are part of our identities and him ignoring yours doesn't bode well.

So stand up to him and set good firm boundaries now. Or get out.

It IS important.

Original poster

YellowRose08 · 21/07/2015 15:54

Hmm good point achieve15

OP posts:

achieve15 · 21/07/2015 15:56

in terms of correcting him in front of other people, I must say I would find that embarrassing for myself rather than him..and I would feel people would wonder why I wanted to date someone who couldn't be arsed to pronounce my name correctly

Anniegetyourgun · 21/07/2015 15:58

Hmm... passive aggression, anyone?

Original poster

YellowRose08 · 21/07/2015 16:00

Exactly, it is embarrassing to correct him in front of people! It's not like we've only just met!!

OP posts:

Twentyninedays · 21/07/2015 16:01

I think that not saying your name properly when he knows you don't like it is deliberate and controlling.

I think you would be well advised to get out of this relationship. Anyone who is like this at the start is not going to improve, more likely the opposite.

Twentyninedays · 21/07/2015 16:02

Also his feelings about YOUR stuff do not matter more than yours. They matter less.

category1 · 21/07/2015 16:03

Yeah but it's more embarrassing ending up correcting people who you've met a number of times who've been told wrongly. For them and you. Or end up living the mispronunciation.

learntoloveagain · 21/07/2015 16:09

I might possibly give this man the benefit of the doubt.

Do you know if he is dyslexic op? If so, he will have a problem with pronunciation, certain sound combinations and memory.

Also if the pronunciation is down to stressing a syllable like some of the previous examples eg mee-chelle or meech-elle, he might not hear where the stresssed syllable is or he could get confused each time he says it. Which would explain why he can sometimes say it and why he can't.

Oui/non?

Original poster

YellowRose08 · 21/07/2015 16:10

Oh god the whole thing is just cringy!!! I've never liked my name, now I hate it ha-ha!

OP posts:

WellTidy · 21/07/2015 16:12

This is really interesting. My ILs can't, or won't, say my name the way I say it. My name is two syllables, five letters, long, and there are two ways of saying it, I suppose. But they always used to say it the way I don't say it.

When my now DH proposed, we thought we'd better get both sets of parents together so that they could meet before the wedding (they live 250 miles away from each other). Before that meet up, I asked DH to have a word with his parents as my parents would like it very odd indeed if they were saying my name in a way that I just don't. He did, but came back a bit contrite, because apparently ILs had said that the way I say my name (two syllables, I remind you!!) was too difficult for them to get right, and so they would shorten my name to the one syllable, and ever since, they have called me by that one syllables shortening.

I have never called myself anything but the name I use. Not a different pronunciation, and not a shortened name. I really don't get it.

I call them by the names they refer to themselves by ie their full first names.

It baffles me too, so I would say that your choices are to stop allowing this to happen, or stop seeing him.

Original poster

YellowRose08 · 21/07/2015 16:13

I'm pretty sure he is not dyslexic. He is quite academic. English is his first language but he is bilingual. (He has no problem correcting me when I try to speak his second language and say words incorrectly)

OP posts:

nauticant · 21/07/2015 16:14

Oh god the whole thing is just cringy!!! I've never liked my name, now I hate it ha-ha!

See, there's your uncertainty and insecurity starting. And that's just from one trick.

TendonQueen · 21/07/2015 16:18

Oh, so it's ok for him to correct you? I hope you do sadface next time this happens and say 'You're making me feel bad..'

Either he is doing it deliberately to put you in your place, or he is lazy and inconsiderate about things that matter to you. It doesn't really matter which. Both = someone who, over time, will not be good to be in a relationship with. I think you're right to make a stand on this tonight. If he can't be arsed now, it won't get any better.

learntoloveagain · 21/07/2015 16:18

Oh fair enough.

hellsbellsmelons · 21/07/2015 16:19

He has been single a long time
And his lack of respect is probably why!!!

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