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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend won't say my name

999 replies

YellowRose08 · 21/07/2015 11:07

Very random annoyance... might seem minor to a lot of peoples problems on here but it is driving me round the bend!!

I'm in a new relationship of a few months, lovely guy, honeymoon phase, very happy ect..
However, he continues to mispronounce my first name even after I have told him and corrected him multiple times. When I first told him, he was apologetic, said he hadn't realised and he would try and get it right. However, he is still saying it wrong all the time, he's getting defensive now and saying that his way is easier for him to say and that I will 'have to accept that he cannot say it'.
I would accept it if he had a genuine speech impediment(he doesnt) and he can say it right because I've heard him! I think he's just got into the habit of saying it wrong and can't get used to the different way.
It's really getting me down though. It makes me cringe everytime he says my name. My friends give me awkward looks when they hear him say it wrong and he's introducing me to his friends with the wrong name!!
I've told him several times how annoying it is but he doesnt seem to be listening??
Am I overreacting to think it is very disrespectful?? I feel like he can't be bothered to get it right- why should I be with someone who can't make the effort to get my name right?!?!

What should I say to him?? I feel like I will explode if he says it wrong again!

Note - my name is not difficult. Its an English name, there are 2 different pronounciations and ive had it said wrong by 50% of people I meet, but its very easy to say!!

OP posts:
Ivegottogo · 06/08/2015 07:26

Every time you walk into the gym, you will think of him and be looking out for him three or four times a week (even though you will pretend to yourself that you're not.) Then one day he will walk in and put you all about.

That is not sensible if you genuinely want to cut him out of your life. Not healthy for you to be giving him all that headspace.

Whocansay · 06/08/2015 07:26

OP, please join a different gym. I know you say you know what days he goes, but that could change anytime and you wouldn't know. He WILL paint you as a stalker to all and sundry. And then you'll be upset. Why expose yourself to more hurt unnecessarily?

firebladeklover · 06/08/2015 07:40

I was more hurt by short relationships ending as the intense romantic feelings are still there.

When relationships ended after 6 years and 8 years, I felt mostly relief and apprehensiveness about various adjustments.

SuperFlyHigh · 06/08/2015 09:00

I too would join another gym. When I worked near my ex of ages ago and bumped into him it wasn't planned but I knew I could see him if I wanted to by accident or on purpose!

He may also change his schedule if he knows you're at same gym to coincide with your times of going.

CheersMedea · 06/08/2015 09:33

Joining his gym is the worst idea I've ever heard.

  1. Are you sure you aren't doing it to run into him? Sounds like a crazy thing to do if you aren't. I don't care if it's free or how cheap it is. Go somewhere else.
  2. You can't actually know his schedule from now until the end of time. You will run into him and that isn't going to be good. What if he turns up all over his new gf? That will be fun for you.
  3. He may choose to try to bump into you for the attention/ego boost of seeing you look sad/uncomfortable/gazing at him.
  4. MOST IMPORTANTLY WHEN HE FINDS OUT HE WILL THINK YOU ARE STALKING HIM. Do you want that?
CheersMedea · 06/08/2015 09:34

He'll probably bad mouth you all over town as the crazy unhinged woman who couldn't get over him and then joined his gym to check up on what he's doing. Doesn't matter if there is any truth in it - why open yourself up to that kind of stuff?

BitOutOfPractice · 06/08/2015 09:44

When I split up with my last BF, I would find all sorts of spurious reasons to see him, bump into him, contact him - all the while declaring that I never wanted to see him again.

I'm starting to feel something's a bit odd here tbh

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/08/2015 10:00

16 posts to go before this thread is full...

queenoftheknight · 06/08/2015 13:39

Joining the same gym confirms, at least to me, that counselling is a really good idea.

Ivegottogo · 06/08/2015 14:08

Pay a bit more and go to a different gym. Surely £5 a month or whatever is worth paying for a bit of peace from all this.

Findtheoldme · 06/08/2015 15:44

Thumbwitches - I was not being small minded when I referred to not letting this relationship be bigger than it was. I was trying to help her not to have years of heartache over a man who doesn't deserve it as by my own experience Sad. I was trying to be kind, you were being insulting for the sake of it.

saltnpepa · 06/08/2015 15:53

For the sake of perspective could we please remind us what is actually was the boyfriend did that was "abusive". I see he minimised her feelings and didn't put her first in his life which wouldn't be entirely unusual in a short uncommitted relationship, but where was he actually abusive?

Was he controlling? No
Did he try to isolate her? No
Did he abuse her financially? No
Did he hurt her physically in any way? No
Did he threaten her? No

There were a few red flags but no abuse.

As I said before he is young, probably seeing a few girls and maybe couldn't properly remember her name. Do move on and don't go to gym because that will make you look like the nutter not him.

SuperFlyHigh · 06/08/2015 16:12

salt he was trying to control her by not saying her name correctly though she'd brought this up more than once.

He may have been trying to isolate her.

he was emotionally abusive and controlling her in other ways (you'll see them if you scroll back towards the beginning of the thread).

I think what you are saying re him seeing a few girls and maybe couldn't remember her name is very cruel and not helpful! I doubt that is what it was at all.

People like you don't help at all.

saltnpepa · 06/08/2015 17:20

I'm helping to keep to reality rather than fantasy which is hugely helpful. I've read the entire thread and there is no abuse here. He may have come to be controlling and her name was the warning sign but he had not actually been controlling, the opposite in fact, he had shown disinterest as time went on.

hhhhhhh · 06/08/2015 18:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/08/2015 01:48

Findthe - no, you weren't being kind. You were minimising the experience and saying it wasn't worth counselling. If the OP had paid attention to you, she would have decided that she was over-reacting and that she didn't need counselling over such a trivial relationship, losing sight of the bigger picture, which is that she could definitely do with counselling for her own sake, not just because of this one relationship.
So I stand by what I said and if you choose to be insulted by it then so be it - because your advice was not helpful.

Findtheoldme · 07/08/2015 07:07

But why do you think I was trying to minimise it? Not because I thought this relationship meant nothing but because of the consequences of it being made biggest THAN HE DESERVES.

I wasn't insulted by you and it isn't for you to say if my advice was helpful or not.

DoreenLethal · 07/08/2015 07:09

Personally, i think joining his gym is on the cusp of stalkerism. So he would be right when he starts accusing the OP of stalking him.

Still, you love and learn OP. Good luck with it all.

Hissy · 07/08/2015 10:35

To be blunt love, you're an idiot to join his gym.

Cancel the membership and go and find somewhere else.

saltnpepa · 07/08/2015 12:02

OP not been back since joining his gym has she? Either she wasn't keen on being called on her entry into stalkerism or they're back together.

SuperFlyHigh · 07/08/2015 13:45

salt for what it's worth I think the OP subconsciously or consciously wants to stalk her ex hence her joining his gym. most of us would run the opposite way from joining a gym.

however I will say this - it's natural after a relationship breakup especially one this intense to miss the other person a lot and to have deep feelings for them.

I do have another insight - maybe the boyfriend by saying the name wrong was doing a reverse psychology trick trying to make the OP see there was something wrong, cause waves so then he would seem reasonable to end things with her.

I think she does need to be really strong on this though.

saltnpepa · 07/08/2015 14:24

I think he was immature, it was an immature relationship and by her going to his gym she demonstrates to herself and him that she has poor boundaries and wants him back. Waste of everyones time I think. The sentence about her wanting him to check out her arse while she's getting personal training from Mr fit speaks volumes. She likes drama and has drawn a large crowd here lasting 40 pages.

kaftanlady · 07/08/2015 15:13

Salt what is your motivation in posting?

The OP's way of thinking leaves her wide open to abusive men. I recognise it from myself when I was younger, and I wastes far too long in an abusive relationship.

IMO it doesn't matter whether this was going to develop into a controlling relationship (although FWIW it certainly looked like one to me).

What's more important is that the OP has learnt from this and is taking steps to help protect herself from people like this in the future (eg via counselling).

That's commendable. Your posts? Not so much.

LoisPuddingLane · 07/08/2015 15:47

1000!

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