Boyfriend won't say my name

[YellowRose08]

Very random annoyance... might seem minor to a lot of peoples problems on here but it is driving me round the bend!!

I'm in a new relationship of a few months, lovely guy, honeymoon phase, very happy ect..
However, he continues to mispronounce my first name even after I have told him and corrected him multiple times. When I first told him, he was apologetic, said he hadn't realised and he would try and get it right. However, he is still saying it wrong all the time, he's getting defensive now and saying that his way is easier for him to say and that I will 'have to accept that he cannot say it'.
I would accept it if he had a genuine speech impediment(he doesnt) and he can say it right because I've heard him! I think he's just got into the habit of saying it wrong and can't get used to the different way.
It's really getting me down though. It makes me cringe everytime he says my name. My friends give me awkward looks when they hear him say it wrong and he's introducing me to his friends with the wrong name!!
I've told him several times how annoying it is but he doesnt seem to be listening??
Am I overreacting to think it is very disrespectful?? I feel like he can't be bothered to get it right- why should I be with someone who can't make the effort to get my name right?!?!

What should I say to him?? I feel like I will explode if he says it wrong again!

Note - my name is not difficult. Its an English name, there are 2 different pronounciations and ive had it said wrong by 50% of people I meet, but its very easy to say!!

I think that understanding "why" has actually been very useful for me. We are all different, and maybe because so many family members of mine were like this, I did need to understand why.

I also have found that naming behaviours is very useful in establishing healthy boundaries for myself, along with the help of my therapist. Also, avoiding people that do this weird stuff, without feeling bad at all.

I had "Is it me?" syndrome for many, many years, and understanding why, helped that enormously, and the answer was, No! It isn't! It wasn't, and it definitely won't ever be in the future!

If you need to understand why, that's fine, but do it within the context of your OWN development and learning.

I think therapy, labelling and analysing is overkill for a relationship of only a few months honestly.

I think it is worth all the angst if your husband of 20 years has been leading a double life or you are a victim of sustained abuse over years.

I am not minimising how upset you are and I acknowledge it is hard, but we have all been burnt and you really have to dust yourself off and get back out there.

^ this is a really weird attitude, surely there is no requirement for counselling or therapy. anyone with issues they want to discuss could benefit. in this case the OP would be working on herself and her emotions with regards to relationships. this relationship may be the trigger but it wouldn't be the focus. also, even if it was just for a few months, I think the OP needs to ask herself why she was so willing to put up with it.

goodbye - that is really limited thinking. The OP has told us that she has self esteem issues stemming from her childhood and probably not helped by the break up of her previous 6y relationship, THAT is why the counselling/therapy is being suggested, not over this particular relationship - this relationship is a symptom of her self-esteem issues, not a cause in itself for therapy. I'm surprised you can't see that.

The way the OP felt trying to cope with the relationship is the key, not the rekationship itself. Through the relationship the lovely OP has realised that she's not in the best place mentally and emotionally she has some stuff that sje could work on to help herself feel better about herself, correct some of the wrong messages she's accumulated throughout her life which are working against her, and generally get herself in a place where she has strong sense of self, increases her resilience and generally is more equipped to have good relationships and a more fulfilled life in the future.

I'm baffled why that seems a difficult concept to grasp, or why she must meet some kind of tragic relationship event milestone before she's allowed to focus on her mental & emotional health!

OP well done, you're at a real low right now but the positive decisions you're making to help yourself and put some time, effort and attention into youcan only be a good thing!

Thank you for the further book recommendations. I will look those up.

I haven't heard anything back from the counsellors I emailed, so I will phone them directly today. I think counselling can only be a positive thing to do. I don't see how it can't be anything but beneficial? I'm sure it will be insightful, and it will give my poor friends a break from listening to me drone on haha.

Met my friends for lunch yesterday which cheered me up. Although they told me he posted a quote on facebook which said something along the lines of "I give chance after chance, but when I'm done, I'm done."

What chances did he give me?! I said to my friend she should have posted, how many chances did you need to get her name right!

He also posted something about how everything he touches turns to rot :/

I wish he wasnt posting stuff on social media. I haven't. It is nobody elses business and I wouldn't want to disrespect him. I hate he is slandering my name and making it look like I was horrible - giving me 'chance after chance'

Also he has started following all those x-rated and random girls on instagram again. Because thats obviously so much more satisfying (EASIER) than an actual physical relationship!

I have told my friends not to tell me about anything he does on social media as it just makes me feel worse. I just want to forget.

Oh god he's such a tool. Defined and block.

*Defriend

Absolutely right - no good can come from hearing all the self-serving shite he's posting. You know now that it's all bollocks, so you can ignore it entirely, and if your friends are real ones, then they should too.

Hope you find a nice counsellor but I will say this - if you don't like or feel comfortable with one then stop seeing that one and go to another one, you can't get on with everyone and sometimes even counsellors aren't the "right fit" for you, where they might be great for someone else.
Trust your gut instinct - if you feel like you don't want to open up to that particular counsellor, then go and find another one.

Yep I have defriended. But my friends haven't as they want to 'spy'. They told me they won't tell me anything they see though as they saw it just made me feel worse.

Thanks thumbwitches that is good advice.

Yes, the last thing you need is to hear about his shit secondhand. He's a wankbadger, plain and simple. Chances my arse.

Just maintain your dignity and sail on like a swan.

Thankyou so much everyone. I never expected this much kindness and support. I am so grateful. Us women are pretty amazing :)
I am saving loads of positive and confidence boosting quotes on my phone!! Little things help! :)

Ahh I'm too scared to ring the counsellor. What do I say??

Oh don't worry YellowRose you can do it. Does the councellor already know about you via form filling or emails? Or is it a first introduction?

Either way, you just phone and say 'hi, my name is YellowRose and I wanted to find out how to start the councelling process / find out a bit about how it would work?'

Then you let the councellor lead you through it.

Or if they alreasy know of you, you could say 'hi I'm YellowRose, I filled out a form for you, I was calling to see what happens next?' Or 'I'm calling as you asked me to'

And again, the councellor will take over the call and know what to say or do next.

Rely on them knowing what to do and knowing that a lot of people find it hard to make that first step.

If you need to you could always tell them that you're a bit nervous and don't know what happens now.

Good luck. You'll be fine, really.

Thankyou miscellaneous for the hand holding xx

Well I filled in a contact form on her website but haven't heard anything back! I am just worried I am going to start crying on the phone!

The right counsellor for you will make it feel easy. They are more than used to tears, and generally have large amounts of tissues.

You will be fine. Probably better than fine. :)

Please don't worry, you'll do the call them put the phone down and wonder what all he fuss was about! I'm bad at phone calls, get scared and really phone phobic about the whole thing, which is weird as I can do calls ok at work, but I guess that's different as I know the script of a typical work call, and the ettiquette and what might be asked. But I'm a jabbering wreck about scary personal calls, so I know where you're coming from aboht this one!

Give them a ring, and have a intro sentence prepared and also a message prepared so you can leave voicemail if needed - councellors turn off their phones during appointments so you may well get a voicemail answer.

'Hi my name is YellowRose, I filled in a form on your website and am phoning to check you got it and to find out a bit more about what happens next'

They probably won't get into any of the content/ problems you talked about in the form (if that was asked for), they may explain about a waiting list, or arrange an initial appointment for you. The first appointment tends to be longer to get a sense of everything and understand what you want fr the councelling and how they can help you.

I'm sure they won't mind if the odd sob or hiccup or wobbly voice pops out, councellors are completely used to this, you won't be the first or the last. In their rooms they always have a clock facing them so they can guide the session to finish well, rather than leaving you in the middle of something or really upset, and they also have a box of tissues! Its so likely that tears may happen at some point that they always make sure there's a stock of tissues handy. It's like the tools of the trade! Does that reassure you at all?
You can do it. Take some deep breaths and dial that number...

I done it :)
Booked an initial meeting/getting to know you for tomorrow at 5pm. She sounded so lovely and warm on the phone so fingers crossed we click!

Yay! Well done!!!

Don't you feel better now? It's so much easier when you realise there's a real person who is nice and wants to help you on the end of the phone.

Good luck for tomorrow as well.

Well done.

One thing you might not know about the counselling process is that things often get worse for a bit :(

It's because you flush out all the crap. So be prepared to feel a bit shit for a while, but hopefully better soon after.

I feel so much better now. I'm glad I'm doing something productive and something to help me grow.
Do you think I should write anything down or prepare anything or just go and see what happens? I know she will take the lead anyway.

Ohh ok, that is good to be pre-warned about!!

Yes it's a bit like a detox where you get a horrible headache on the first day when your body is flushing out all the toxins...

Well done, you've made a big step today and you should feel pretty proud of yourself!

Good on you OP - the right counsellor will help you. Don't be afraid to ask for coping strategies if that's what you want as some counsellors let you talk and don't give much if any feedback. I had a brilliant counsellor who suggested writing stuff down. CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) helps too.

Agree with Lois you do often feel crap for a while. What helped me (as I got the tram there) was I got a takeaway tea and snack every time beforehand (something small to look forward to!) but if you cry there after etc it's all the rubbish coming out.

Also if you want to - tell your friends if it isn't helping you that you don't want them to spy on your ex-boyfriend as it isn't helping you. really be firm if that's what you want. stuff what they want to do and if they think its helping you, if it isn't they should butt out and stop the spying!

If you think you might get a bit flustered, then by all means write down what you think your issues are. You may find that they're not the "real" issues when you get down to it, but it's a starting place.

Mostly I've found that the counsellor just asks you to tell her why you're there, and then you talk - and it either comes out slowly, bit by bit, or you suddenly let loose and it all gushes out. Or even a combination! Whatever happens, it is right for you at this time.

The only thing I would say now, on top of all the other excellent warnings, is this:
Don't expect to be fixed in a couple of sessions.
It can take a long time to even break down your barriers to helping yourself - 2 years isn't unusual - especially if you're the sort of person who doesn't want to trouble anyone. Remember that you're there to help yourself be helped - so let her help you. :)

Well done YellowRose, that's great news, a really positive step. Good for you