Boyfriend won't say my name

[YellowRose08]

Very random annoyance... might seem minor to a lot of peoples problems on here but it is driving me round the bend!!

I'm in a new relationship of a few months, lovely guy, honeymoon phase, very happy ect..
However, he continues to mispronounce my first name even after I have told him and corrected him multiple times. When I first told him, he was apologetic, said he hadn't realised and he would try and get it right. However, he is still saying it wrong all the time, he's getting defensive now and saying that his way is easier for him to say and that I will 'have to accept that he cannot say it'.
I would accept it if he had a genuine speech impediment(he doesnt) and he can say it right because I've heard him! I think he's just got into the habit of saying it wrong and can't get used to the different way.
It's really getting me down though. It makes me cringe everytime he says my name. My friends give me awkward looks when they hear him say it wrong and he's introducing me to his friends with the wrong name!!
I've told him several times how annoying it is but he doesnt seem to be listening??
Am I overreacting to think it is very disrespectful?? I feel like he can't be bothered to get it right- why should I be with someone who can't make the effort to get my name right?!?!

What should I say to him?? I feel like I will explode if he says it wrong again!

Note - my name is not difficult. Its an English name, there are 2 different pronounciations and ive had it said wrong by 50% of people I meet, but its very easy to say!!

Should I try and get counselling ASAP or should I let it all sink in for a while?

Talk to Relate and be guided by them.

Sorry you're going through this but I'm really glad you are out of it now not in ten years time with small children in tow.

Sounds exactly like the bloke I told you about.

It hurts, but it's not right and would destroy us.

There is better coming for us. Have faith, love yourself first and foremost. That's the most important thing

"You took me for granted" does not apply to you, does it YellowRose? It is another line he got from God knows where to use on you. Nothing to do with you. You don't really exist to him. Substitute a 2 dimensional cardboard cutout of yourself=same difference. This is emotional abuse territory and it is very insidious.

I get that you are struggling with this, with understanding it. But can you trust your friends here on this? Let it go. Leave it. Anything else from him is just stinking rotten bait. Leave it. Any more from you will just be seen as begging. Very degrading. Don't be so desperate.

Have you tried quilting? I love quilting!! You can pretty much learn from a book but there may be a quilt club/guild near you. It isn't hard- just sew a straight line. It focuses the mind, is creative, and producing a very usable object which is gratifying and fulfilling. Other than that, maybe a martial arts class, get your black belt so you can kick his ass and maybe meet someone in class.

X-post.
Take care

My friends think he is a nut job with some kind of personality disorder.

At least his true colours came out quickly. I just wish it never happened at all. Why couldnt he have just been his lovely side. It will be hard to forget the good ways he made me feel. How do I get that out my mind? Just time?

I have blocked him from everything. Deleted everything. I will contact relate tomorrow. Im going to lunch tomorrow with a friend, and I'm going to enquire about joining the gym :)

Well done lovely! I know it gets, but you are being your own best friend.

Huge Hampshire hugs to you!

Sugar
Think you nailed it in your last sentence.

Your friends are correct.

I don't know about Relate....my experience of them is that they don't really "get" abuse.

I REALLY think you would be better off with your own properly qualified and accredited therapist. Really.

I mean REALLY really.

People like him do not experience other people as real, separate autonomous individuals...they use people as screens to project their stuff onto. Stuff like their own relational issues, boundary issues, attachment issues...all going back to babyhood.

The reason you are attracted to that is deeply concerning.

That is way beyond Relate.

As someone said upthread...his issues could take YEARS to unravel...yours, maybe not so much. The sooner you start, the better.

Oh ok.
I had a search of Bacp, there are quite a few therapists in my area, how do I choose one?!

Your gut.

We all know that it works!!

You actually sussed this person out, we just nudged a bit.

Sorry. I recommended Relate because they really helped my friend talk through something similar.

Maybe your local Women's Aid could recommend someone?

I think choose a psychotherapist whose integrative ( so not too puritanical about particular theories) but more importantly one that you like the look of, who looks kind and empathetic and that you feel you'll be able to open up to.....btw, I'm almost certain you're going to be absolutely fine!

Thankyou queenofthenight although I feel that is too generous. I might have had the weird inkling about him, but I still tried to live in the land of denial!!!

Well done for blocking him. It often takes a little wobble like you had today in order to see how quickly his true colours show again. It made you feel much more confident that the relationship had to end, I think?

Grab a piece of paper and write down all the reasons why you are better off without him. Add to it whenever you think of something else. It will be a useful read when you find yourself weakening.

The reason he blocked you when you questioned his reasoning is because it is complete and utter bollocks. He ended it because you asked him to use your actual name.

I really hope you do get some help...you should have seen this much earlier.

Be strong OP, you've done the hard bit, now it's time to put yourself first and do some work on you!

I disagree with the poster(s) who have recommended psychotherapy, I don't think it's needed particularly if you want to work on your self-esteem. I think an excellent counsellor will be far more beneficial as I suspect talking over all this will help you see the situation far more clearly and you'll be able to see that he's just spouting meaningless words designed to make you doubt your decision and to feel bad. You didn't take him for granted, if anything he took you for granted something that's abundantly clear by the fact he couldn't be bothered to say your name properly!

Deep down you knew he was a wrong 'un but you chose to ignore it. Your instinct is there, you just need to learn to listen to yourself. Thankfully you had a whole slew of mumsnetters to help you see him for who he truly is!

Stay strong OP, you'll be fine and he'll be nothing but a memory you'll soon laugh to yourself and your friends about.

Onwards and upwards!

PS. With regards to finding a good counsellor, see a few for a preliminary chat. You'll know pretty quickly who is a good fit for you.

What is the difference between psychotherapy and counselling?

Writing a list is a good idea. And I have all these posts I can re-read!
Also if I feel like I need to say something to him, I will just write it down on paper and not actually send it.

Thankyou again so much everyone. You don't know how much strength I am drawing from your kindness and words of encouragement

I have sent a contact form to two different counsellors in my area whose website I liked the look of.
Hopefully won't take them too long to get back to me.
Being productive!

That's a really positive step YellowRose, well done :)

Well. I'm glad he sent back that headfuck message because it finally woke you up to the sort of game-playing twat that he is.

My ex said something lovely to me - that I was "impossible to live with" - that stuck for a while. Until counselling made me realise that no, I wasn't impossible to live with, he just couldn't manage it himself.

You never took this tosser for granted, he's just thrown that at you to a) hurt you, b) make you doubt yourself AGAIN and c) because he's a grade A shit. Your best response to it is to IGNORE IT because it's not yours. It's his shit, and you can leave his shit to him, you can choose to discard it because it is all about him and nothing to do with you.

So learn to discard comments that do not apply to you. This is one of them.

I'm not an expert (!) but my counsellor seemed just to let me vent. I wouldn't say she changed my view of the world or of myself in any way! It felt good in the short term but wasn't of much value in the long term.

But the psychotherapist wouldn't allow me to vent at all. She asked me some really difficult questions. it could be uncomfortable, but in the long term it helped me a lot more. The questions she asked me were hard to answer.

Thankyou thumbwitchesabroad
I am really trying to ignore it. I don't want to let him make me feel I am a horrible person. I know I'm not. He just couldn't handle the truth of how he treated me and he wanted to say something back to hurt me. Something he obviously felt so strongly about that he wouldn't give any examples when I asked...

Do people like him ever feel remorse or realise how they have treated someone? Right now it is all like he is the victim :/

It is so hard because he comes off sooo different in public and with my friends. My friends can see he is a bastard but other people are going to buy his 'poor him, hes the victim' act. It is scary how different someone can be in private :/

Has anyone suggested 'why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft yet? Could be worth a read, yellow.

I've been lurking for a while so have read most of the thread. When I started to read your recent long reply to his poor me email I was thinking oh no oh no he's going to stick the boot in now. And sure enough! He reeled you in with his poor me act, got what he wanted (you prostrating yourself) and then told you all you needed to know in one line.

He's a twat. You know this. You have done nothing wrong. And if you had? So fucking what? A grown up deals with it in a grown up way, but he still couldn't even say your name right.

Don't waste any more time mourning this short lived disaster of a relationship. You're so young, plenty of time to get your head straight, learn to love yourself and be happy on your own for a bit, and then you'll find the perfect man happens along.

One thing abusive people have in common is a complete belief that they are the victim.

It is a core part of their problem.