Boyfriend won't say my name

[YellowRose08]

Very random annoyance... might seem minor to a lot of peoples problems on here but it is driving me round the bend!!

I'm in a new relationship of a few months, lovely guy, honeymoon phase, very happy ect..
However, he continues to mispronounce my first name even after I have told him and corrected him multiple times. When I first told him, he was apologetic, said he hadn't realised and he would try and get it right. However, he is still saying it wrong all the time, he's getting defensive now and saying that his way is easier for him to say and that I will 'have to accept that he cannot say it'.
I would accept it if he had a genuine speech impediment(he doesnt) and he can say it right because I've heard him! I think he's just got into the habit of saying it wrong and can't get used to the different way.
It's really getting me down though. It makes me cringe everytime he says my name. My friends give me awkward looks when they hear him say it wrong and he's introducing me to his friends with the wrong name!!
I've told him several times how annoying it is but he doesnt seem to be listening??
Am I overreacting to think it is very disrespectful?? I feel like he can't be bothered to get it right- why should I be with someone who can't make the effort to get my name right?!?!

What should I say to him?? I feel like I will explode if he says it wrong again!

Note - my name is not difficult. Its an English name, there are 2 different pronounciations and ive had it said wrong by 50% of people I meet, but its very easy to say!!

"Do people like him ever feel remorse or realise how they have treated someone?"

Almost certainly not. They have the ability to turn everything around to make themselves the innocent, injured party. Any perceived bad behaviour on their part will be because of their hurt feelings, they will never have started it, none of it is ever their fault, not really.

It's an amazing ability to have - not a good one, not if you want to be a decent human being - but amazing nonetheless.

Exactly, always the victim of some perceived injustice that never had anything to do with them.

And they always have to win, or get one over on someone. Always. They have to win, because it's not fair for them, so they are merely setting the record straight....in their own mind.

They are fascinating creatures....from a great distance!

How can someone be so Jekyll and Hyde. I just can't get my head around it. I know I never will understand him, so I should just stop trying but it is just so frustrating!
Were none of the lovely things he said to me real? Will he be like this with all his future girlfriends? Or was it just me :/

I dont even know what has made him like that. He doesn't appear to of had a bad life by any means. I never met his sister so I don't know if they were similar.

Well he used to say how 'lonely' and 'isolated' he feels, so he'll be even more lonely now and I hope he realises he mistreated a genuine, kind hearted girl who just wanted to be with him and make him happy. But he won't realise that because he doesn't care.

I have read what feels like every single book on the subject in an effort to understand.

Most people,not just men, my mother was one of the major ones in my life have had something go horribly wrong in their childhood to cause this. They may not know it, or have any recollection even, or maybe have just normalised and internalised whatever it is.

Every single person I have known who has been like this, has had some kind of of early trauma, whether they are aware of it or not.

The problem with being unaware of it, is that they truly believe that it is NOT them. It's everyone else doing it to them.

It requires highly specialist help to try and put right, and a lot of people, especially on MN don't believe it can be put right. I don't know about that, since everyone is different. I do know however, that the partner or family member is never the person to help, even if they were the most highly qualified shrink in the world...boundaries and all that.

The Jekyll and Hyde stuff is a very common aspect too.

Have a look at the books recommended and websites, especially The Freedom Programme, Hidden Hurt.

www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/

He said when he was a child he saw a man bleed to death on the street. That must have been obviously traumatic. I don't know whether that would affect him and make him unstable?

He has had cognitive behavioural therapy in the past. He obviously needs more therapy as he feels 'unstable' . I've been researching personality disorder and a lot of characteristics do fit him. Or maybe he is just a dick?!

I dont want to think that he has had a trauma, and therefore it isnt his fault, as that just makes me feel sorry for him and makes me feel guilty that I wasn't understanding enough, and didn't meet his needs enough, and that it is my fault and that he is just a lost little boy who needs love and nurturing, and why didnt I give him that?

No I don't want to feel like that. He is smart and he played me. Why? I don't know. Maybe he thought a girlfriend would just continuously boost his ego, maybe he didnt realise a girlfriend can be hard work too and he was too selfish to put the effort in.

And thankyou everyone for the book and website suggestions. I will research into them

"Fault" isn't a particularly useful word.

We all have stuff, all of us. It's what we do about it, as adults, that counts.

Lots of these types seem to fit the various personality disorder characteristics, but those can only be diagnosed after extensive, professional analysis, and a lot of people seem to have similar traits, but not a disorder as such.

It is not for you, or any of us to diagnose. Our only responsibility is to ourselves, and any dependants. And by improving ourselves, we attract a healthier group of folk to us.

Or maybe he is just a dick

We all see bad things. I've seen dreadful things, and had dreadful things happen to me. I bet I could say your name right.

Stick with "he's too selfish" - you can't go wrong with that one. Never mind the rest, the possible "reasons", you'll never know and it doesn't matter to you.

As a matter of interest, people with this sort of personality quite often do have therapy - so they can validate their "victim" status. It doesn't mean that they learnt anything from it that would improve their behaviour to others.

His priority in a relationship is to have all of his needs met and if it's at the expense of the other person, so be it, it might not even notice.

You're looking for an equal relationship, a balance of give and take. Nobody's needs being met at the expense of an other.

But as my psychotherapist said to me ages ago, a giver (me) and a taker (my x) that functions on one level. Functions, as in it keeps going. Not happily perhaps but that combination has a longer relationship expectancy that say two takers. So although you feel devastated try to be glad to got rid of this guy. He wasn't what you wanted. For a while at the beginning, anybody can be anything! And then you get to know them.

I dont want to think that he has had a trauma, and therefore it isnt his fault, as that just makes me feel sorry for him and makes me feel guilty that I wasn't understanding enough, and didn't meet his needs enough, and that it is my fault and that he is just a lost little boy who needs love and nurturing, and why didnt I give him that?

This right here is your problem. Where are you in this? Where are your needs, where is your right to love and nurturing? Absolutely nowhere. It's as if you don't even exist as a person in your own right, with needs and feelings in your own right, but just as someone there to support someone else.

This is all being projected onto him at the moment but it's something you learned in childhood, for sure. This is a result of how your parents treated you. You were there for them, they weren't there for you - a complete reversal of how it should have been. This is your trauma and it's your job to fix what went wrong for you, not what went wrong for him.

It's very possible that needs of his went unmet when he was a child. But it's his responsibility to deal with that, not yours, can you see that as a fact? And nothing he went through gives him carte blanche to treat you like shit, as he has done. Nothing he went through should deprive you of your personhood, but that is exactly what has happened here. He couldn't even get your name right, FFS, how much more stripping away of your personhood could you take?!

I'm really glad you're looking into counselling. You really do have some serious stuff to unravel from your own childhood, and it really helps to have some good support. None of this is your fault, but it is quite alarming the extent to which you are willing to abnegate yourself in favour of "rescuing" someone else. Might be worth reading up on co-dependency too.

Sorry if any of this comes across as harsh in tone, it's absolutely not meant that way. I'll say again: none of this is your fault. You took a really courageous step in starting this thread, and taking a stand on your name, this has all been very painful for you, I know. But I really think the issues go back to your childhood and unless you deal with that, instead of focusing so much on him, you run the risk of repeating the same pattern over again.

It's true, some types of men always see themselves as the victim! My was financially, emotionally, verbally and occasionally physically abusive towards me. He quickly took the victim status before I could! Devastated by my cold-hearted cruelty, leaving him ''out of the blue''.

Not that I wanted the victim status for myself per se, but that was just as well, as he snatched it from under me!

Yes I agree I have issues from my childhood. I suppose I didn't realise how much affected me.

I am going to try and stop analysing his every action and thought process now. I won't understand. It is over and I just need to forget about him.

I still feel like I am being over dramatic and that I don't have the right to use 'emotional abuse' though. I feel if I tried to explain what he did to 'abuse' me I wouldnt really be able to pinpoint anything that would sound that bad. Ok he got my name wrong - on purpose? I will never know.

So far I have added all of Lundy Bancrofts books to my amazon wish list, and a book called 'Jerk radar: How to stop an abusive relationship before it starts' - for future reference!
Any other recommendations?

I think just write this one off to experience. I think you would have come to learn more about emotional abuse if you'd stayed with him - but for now, just realist that if someone cares less about your feelings than their own wants, then that person is not someone you need in your life.

Well, I did think, and this is just my opinion, that suggestions to do the Freedom Programme are a little excessive! yOU HAD a close shave and you are out of the relationship now.

Everybody could benefit from therapy mind you! I really believe that!

Another book to add to your pile. Running on Empty. Can't remember who wrote it but it's on Amazon and deals with issues from childhood. The 'minor' stuff. Benign neglect. Sibling favourites. Domineering parents. People-pleasing daughters.

It might seem dramatic to go an order a load of books that acknowledge that your childhood left a mark on you. But really it's just a minor recalibration that is required. You will be ok.

As another pp said, you have a good good instinct, you just need to believe in your own gut. I always do now. My head shouted down my gut when I met my x and got together with him.

True thumbwitches!

OP, don't overwhelm yourself with Lundy Bancroft (yet). I mean, his books aren't going anywhere. Mumsnet isn't going anywhere. If things change, and you decide you want to become an expert on abusive men, the books are still there, but you're young. I think a few books that focus on you and persuade you and remind you that you are valuable and ought to have a HIGH bar, those are the books that are right for you now.

for now, jerk radar sounds good! I must look it up! I could have written it though I suspect :-p

Doing the FP is just about knowledge. I always think it is useful to read Pat Craven's work, hence the link above. She is an expert in all this stuff.

I totally agree with Talkinginthedark. We all learn our relation patterns in childhood/babyhood, and we all have the potential and the power to make things work better for us, if what we were born into wasn't so great.

That is fantastic news, as it means we get to define ourselves as adults. Should we choose to. And that we can choose to have healthier adult relationships, and pass that on to the next generation too.

My parents trained me to have no needs! I ended up being a people pleaser with a low bar. I thought that having no needs meant you were nice. It that sounds at all familiar or relevant, check out this book
running on empty

Jerk Radar looks really good yellowrose Good reviews!

I read half of the thread a few days ago and have just read the other half now. You really have had a lucky escape and I'm so sorry to hear you're beating yourself up for not being 'good enough'. Been there, done that, like lots of lovely people on this thread.

I found 'I can mend your broken heart' by Paul McKenna absolutely excellent. Hard, but my god it worked. I met someone else after being dicked about by my ex - when ex realised he moved heaven and earth to get me back, promised me marriage, babies, the works. Unfortunately I fell for it but the Paul McKenna exercises were so successful it only lasted a fortnight! I really didn't like him and the way he treated me. I'd definitely recommend the book.

You are worth it, you know :-)

Just thought I'd mention that this thread now has 924 messages on it - it will run out at 1000. If you want continued support, Yellowrose, you might want to think about starting a second thread and linking it back to this one - but of course you might not need to now. Just giving you the heads up. :)

Yellowrose there is little point in tying yourself in knots trying to work out why he has done this. Because at the end of the day, IT DOESN'T MATTER why - working it out won't change a thing. It won't miraculously turn the clock back, it won't make him any less of an arse, it won't even make you feel better. Every time you find yourself thinking about him, his motives, the causes of his behaviour say to yourself -or out loud if you like - IT DOESN'T MATTER

Ah, you're free of the asshole - well done!

Checklist:

• Hairdresser
• Dentist
• Get a massage

I know it seems peculiar but that combination always made me feel renewed.