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Relationships

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Original poster

Is it ever ok to cheat?

193 replies

Osteres · 12/07/2015 09:27

My DH is ill/disabled and unable to have any kind of sexual relationship. Should I just resign myself to the fact I'll never have sex again, or is it ok to go outside the relationship in cases like this? My DH would absolutely never agree to letting me sleep with someone else, I would need to lie to him.

OP posts:

MarchLikeAnAnt · 16/07/2015 20:47

Nice try, MarchLikeAnAnt. My morals are fine. You're not superior because you don't share or understand my needs and experiences. I had a very black and white viewpoint on the world once too, before I met someone interesting and embarked on a life changing journey of self discovery. I don't envy you one bit

Wtf are you on about? Don't be so touchy, I said different not superior. If I wanted to say superior I would have done.

Offred · 16/07/2015 20:48

Bearing in mind maslows triangle is about self actualisation and if he meant reproduction is necessary for the perpetuation of the species he could have said that but didn't.

Offred · 16/07/2015 20:49

And also that female orgasm is entirely unnecessary for reproduction so if he was talking about reproduction he would have clarified that he was talking simply about male ejaculation as a basic need.

MarchLikeAnAnt · 16/07/2015 20:49

Have a (non alcoholic) and relax

Offred · 16/07/2015 20:51

It's all so Herero-normative and anti women the Maslow stuff.

Offred · 16/07/2015 20:51

Hetero-normative!

ShebaShimmyShake · 16/07/2015 20:52

Ah, I see, thank you.

That's why I compared it to friendship, companionship and human interaction. I don't think anyone has suggested one would drop down dead by not having sex, but I think we also all agree that human existence is a bit more rich and complex than simply 'not dying'. As a species, we seek fulfilment and relationships, not just stayin' alive (yay Bee Gees).

I also think we'd all agree that companionship, company etc are human needs. Obviously you don't have the right to force your way into someone's home and make them talk to you if they don't want to. But do you have the right, having made a pledge to be someone's only friend forever, to deny them the right to seek friendship elsewhere if you cannot or will not be friends any more?

After all, the OP is not looking to rape anyone!

The OP says she cannot have any kind of sexual relationship with her husband, so I'm going to assume that includes acts such as oral sex, clitoral stimulation and other things that don't involve PIV. I couldn't live under those circumstances for the rest of my life and I wouldn't use 'morality' to dictate to others that they should (I know you didn't say that).

Offred · 16/07/2015 20:55

Yeah, no-one on this thread has, no doubt even the poster who posted the Maslow triangle didn't intend that to be the suggestion!

It is still a common belief in society perpetuated by the bloody triangle though - sex being a physiological need (for men).

ShebaShimmyShake · 16/07/2015 21:00

Au contraire, March (and others) berated the OP for 'loving sex more than her husband' and implied that she is morally superior to me because she would not struggle to live a celibate life and I couldn't do it (despite going on to be defensive and disingenuous about it - anyone who reads the post can infer it from the tone. People are not stupid.).

I think I've made it clear what I mean by sex being a need, and I don't think I've advocated for the OP going out and assaulting a sexy young man.

Offred · 16/07/2015 21:02

I left my husband for many reasons but his refusal to touch me, have sex that was unsatisfying for me or on anything other than his terms - once a month PIV in the missionary position, was one of them. Doesn't make him bad if that's how he chooses to express his sexuality but also doesn't make me bad for leaving him (as many, many people would have it)! I do understand a little of where the op is coming from.

Offred · 16/07/2015 21:03

Yeah, that's out of order. I'm not entirely remembering correctly and should have read back.

Offred · 16/07/2015 21:05

The Maslow triangle is rather like a red flag to a bull to me!

MarchLikeAnAnt · 16/07/2015 21:11

I am not being disingenuous at all. We have different morals that's all, not better than each other, just different. Wtf is the problem with that?

JAPAB · 16/07/2015 21:13

I know someone whose wife decided that there was to be no more sex when they were in his 40s, and would refuse to discuss the matter and get angry if he broached the subject. Not sure the reasons why exactly, but his solution was to go to sex workers for the next 20 years or thereabouts, until he himself no longer wanted it that much. This was all reported after the fact, after she had died, but taking it on face value, I can certainly see the attraction. Otherwise happy marriage survives, no disruptions for the family.

Maybe I am a bit idealistic but I think that even if someone is being unreasonable by both refusing sex and refusing open marriage, is it right to make them live a lie for the years it went on. My feeling is that he should have said that he can't live without it and needs to go elsewhere, and leave the ball in her court as to whether she could live with this or wanted to end the marriage, rather than make her live under false pretences for years.

If she had found out say 15 years in, she might have felt like she had wasted 15 years she can't get back because vital information was withheld by him.

I don't know what the "right" answer is necessarily, but this is just my feeling.

Offred · 16/07/2015 21:14

I think the view that once married you are tied together for life no matter what happens is demonstrably unhealthy for society and individuals within society.

The idea that people have a right to withdraw sexual contact within a marriage and expect their partner to stay married is one of those I think.

Offred · 16/07/2015 21:18

Agree that forcing someone to live a lie is wrong, just as forcing someone to deny their sexuality is wrong and it's a tricky situation to resolve with no clear cut 'right' answer. Something is always going to be lost in this situation. My personal feeling is that it's better to behave respectfully (even if you are not being respected) if you have a number of shit options.

TheDowagerCuntess · 16/07/2015 21:25

This x1000

I'm actually not sure how you can agree so vehemently with the statement made, March, which was:

She's absolutely not in the wrong for wanting sex... Not sure anyone said that. We were mainly disagreeing what the best way of dealing with the problem is, not saying there is no problem!

You actually came out and said that the OP was in the wrong for prioritising sex over her husband.

MarchLikeAnAnt · 16/07/2015 21:38

Well she isn't wrong for wanting sex but I believe she is/ would be wrong if she cheats. So, not wrong for enjoying sex, is wrong for cheating iykwim

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