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Original poster

Is it ever ok to cheat?

193 replies

Osteres · 12/07/2015 09:27

My DH is ill/disabled and unable to have any kind of sexual relationship. Should I just resign myself to the fact I'll never have sex again, or is it ok to go outside the relationship in cases like this? My DH would absolutely never agree to letting me sleep with someone else, I would need to lie to him.

OP posts:
MarchLikeAnAnt · 12/07/2015 11:56

Is that not the case? She is willing to hurt her DH just so she can have a penis inside of her. If she were to talk it through with him and come to an arrangement or leave him then there would be nothing repugnant about her activities.

nrv0us · 12/07/2015 11:57

Yeah, your overall tone is very simplistic and binary. ALL people should ALWAYS be strictly monogamous under ALL circumstances. Whereas life is rarely that simple and sometimes it can be very necessary to be a little flexible and show some genuine empathy for a fellow human being in a very difficult situation.

Shakespearmint · 12/07/2015 11:57

If I were your husband and loved you I would have considered your need for sex. It is such a intrinsic human need and I'd probably have told you to find someone to satisfy that need .

MarchLikeAnAnt · 12/07/2015 11:57

I would say the same if it were a man in ops situation.

MarchLikeAnAnt · 12/07/2015 11:58

Perhaps she could show empathy towards her husband and leave him then.

TheStoic · 12/07/2015 11:59

Is that not the case? She is willing to hurt her DH just so she can have a penis inside of her

How do you know she is willing to do it? Because she's willing to consider it?

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 12/07/2015 12:03

She is already hurting from a lack of intimacy. Her dh won't consider helping her with that. Talking to him is the best course of action. It is a real problem in their marriage that needs addressing. They need to find a solution one way or another.

HermioneWeasley · 12/07/2015 12:04

he sounds selfish and controlling. Sex is important in relationships and strengthens your intimacy and your bond.

It sounds like he is unwilling to engage in the sexual activities that he could, and is therefore expecting a healthy woman to spend the rest of her life celibate. It's not fair or realistic.

MarchLikeAnAnt · 12/07/2015 12:07

In order to have her wanting for sex fulfilled she will cause her already ill DH to feel unloved, a burden and probably very depressed. I think that's a poor trade off.
If she really can't live without sex then she needs to leave him and find a man who can have sex with her.

TheStoic · 12/07/2015 12:08

You're assuming her husband would rather be left, than cheated on without knowing it.

He may not.

MarchLikeAnAnt · 12/07/2015 12:08

And if my opinion on this matter makes me some kind of pearl clutching-slut shaming- prude then so be it!

ImperialBlether · 12/07/2015 12:09

He's unwilling to have a sexual relationship rather than unable, isn't he? He could give you a lovely time if he wanted to, but he's choosing not to.

Garlick · 12/07/2015 12:10

Erm, this also means you would have to find partners willing to be used for sex. How would that make you feel about yourself? And are you actually capable of emotion-free sex?

I would have thought a considerate partner could find ways to accommodate you without "having to" get overly involved himself. This makes me tend towards thinking you might be better off reconsidering your marriage. Sorry :(

MarchLikeAnAnt · 12/07/2015 12:10

No, op said he is UNABLE to have sex.

Joysmum · 12/07/2015 12:12

It sounds like he is unwilling to engage in the sexual activities that he could, and is therefore expecting a healthy woman to spend the rest of her life celibate. It's not fair or realistic

For you maybe but plenty do.

The choice is to either say faithful in a sexless marriage, cheat, or have sex with others with the agreement of the husband.

ImperialBlether · 12/07/2015 12:12

Marchlikeanant, do you think her husband is keeping his marriage vows? Love, honour, cherish. Do you think he's doing that?

ImperialBlether · 12/07/2015 12:13

Marchlikeanant, there's more to sex than having intercourse. The OP's husband is UNWILLING to have any kind of foreplay.

MarchLikeAnAnt · 12/07/2015 12:15

You think he chose to be ill? To be unable to have sex?

Would you give the same advice to a man who's wife sustained injuries during childbirth and was unable to have sex? Would it be fine and dandy for him to go shaghing around?

SaulGood · 12/07/2015 12:19

Sex isn't a need. However, it's one of the building blocks of a marriage in the vast majority of cases. You may need it in order for your marriage to succeed but it isn't a basic human need in essence. You don't need intimacy or fidelity or affection or respect either but there's a good chance you entered into a union with the basic expectation of them. To snatch away one of the fundamental parts of your marriage and then refuse to discuss how its absence might be managed, is unacceptable. You might reasonably expect that you cannot continue in a marriage without one of its cornerstones.

You can only be utterly honest and explain that you need him to reciprocate in this honesty.

HermioneWeasley · 12/07/2015 12:20

march if she was able to use her mouth and hands but refused, yes I would say exactly the same about her.

What's the big whoop about keeping your marriage vows at the expense of your happiness? If he's refusing physical intimacy with her, is he fulfilling his vows?

nrv0us · 12/07/2015 12:24

March -- Yes I would give the same advice to a man in the situation you describe, if his partner was unwilling or unable to give him any kind of sexual contact but he/they wanted to stay together because they were committed to one another (and to their child)

MarchLikeAnAnt · 12/07/2015 12:24

So, he should do perform sexual acts against his will? And if he doesn't then its his fault she cheats?

Finallyonboard · 12/07/2015 12:25

There must be aspects of a sexual relationship he can participate in? If there are, and he's refusing anyway I would feel angry with him if I was you. In that instance I'd probably consider leaving.

Branleuse · 12/07/2015 12:27

whether sex is a need or not, what is she getting out of anything here. A life of martyrdom? A relationship is a choice, sexual monogamy is a choice. Do not be shamed into living like a nun and a live-in arsewiper for the rest of your life. You need a life too

IreallyKNOWiamright · 12/07/2015 12:28

wow - having an illness in itself is very difficult, however, you do need to talk to him and say how you feel. I think you need to discuss an open relationship or think about how committed you really are. You knew his situation or did the illness come on suddenly. I have said to my dh if he ever feels that he cannot commit to me anymore or I am not meeting his needs to please speak with me instead of having an affair, which would make me feel like a failure sexually.
Please talk with your Dh don't ruin what seems you have written a solid relationship.