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Relationships

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Original poster

Is it ever ok to cheat?

193 replies

Osteres · 12/07/2015 09:27

My DH is ill/disabled and unable to have any kind of sexual relationship. Should I just resign myself to the fact I'll never have sex again, or is it ok to go outside the relationship in cases like this? My DH would absolutely never agree to letting me sleep with someone else, I would need to lie to him.

OP posts:

Vagabond · 12/07/2015 17:38

I know that was a very basic question. I was trying to take the emotion out of it.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 12/07/2015 18:28

I can't actually tell you to cheat on your DH but under the circumstances I wouldn't blame you if you did. I don't think any of us would. Sex is not a want it is basic animal need, and for what reason you are not getting that need met of course you can be excused for looking else where. Put it this way in your shoes I would

Milllii · 12/07/2015 18:41

Could you lay it on the line. Tell him you have tried for 6 years and you need more. Give him an ultimatum. Sock him into seeing that you mean business.

Milllii · 12/07/2015 18:41

" shock"

MummyPiggy87 · 12/07/2015 18:57

I can't believe some of these pp's my god.

In answer to the original question I can understand why your considering it, clearly, but I don't think you should because it's still betrayal.
However we all have needs and he needs to at least have the conversation for your sake.
From his point of view I highly doubt he will agree to it in fear of losing you to the person your having sex with.
Get yourself down to Anne Summers!!

GotToFTFO · 12/07/2015 19:14

6 years in what I would call a loveless marriage I wouldn't blame you for how you are feeling and a frank discussion with your dh is needed before you do anything.
There comes a point in life where you do have to put yourself 1st.

It can go a few ways.

You have a frank discussion if you are the only one talking with an ultimatum in place..like counselling for him/or both for his depression, does he still love you?
Do you love him?

You split - he remains depressed and you are happy eventually .

Open relationship - it works or goes pear shape.

You cheat , it goes pear shaped.

ApplesTheHare · 12/07/2015 19:21

OP no advice here but just to say that everything you've said is totally understandable. I hope things improve one way or another

Deckthehallswithdesperation · 12/07/2015 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SolidGoldBrass · 12/07/2015 20:36

First ask yourself why you actually want to stay in the marriage. He doesn't sound much of a catch: self-obsessed and cold and uninterested in how you feel. If there are good reasons for staying, then I think it's perfectly ok to have a few discreet affairs. He had his chance to be reasonable and won't take it, so it's time to put yourself first.

I have always maintained that anyone who insists on their partner remaining with them in a sexless relationship has forfeited the right to insist on monogamy.

TBH I would imagine that an affair or two would help you gather the strength to leave your DH: another good thing about affairs is they often kill off relationships which are stale or toxic.

What2do1984 · 12/07/2015 21:56

I would , at the end of the day we are humans and humans are animals and need sex. He wont even talk about it, sod him go have ur cake and all that

honeyroar · 13/07/2015 00:38

I feel awfully sorry for both of you in this scenario. I can understand your frustration and loneliness, yet it must be so dreadful to him. I agree that he is depressed about it, and sticking his head in the sand about it. The only way forward that is positive is to get him to discuss it and seek help. I'm sure you've tried it over the years. Is there any way you could speak to a counsellor or your doctor about it? Do you share a doctor? Could you speak to their doctor? Could you write a letter to him telling him how you feel and tell him you love him and desperately want to work through this, but need him to help you? I can see why you would want to sleep with someone else, but what if you were to fall in love? What if it affected you emotionally? Could you deal with all that? I think it would be the first step towards you leaving. I'm not judging, just thinking aloud about how I would be.

Hugs to you OP. I always used to think infidelity was inexcusable. Then I had a similar discussion with someone on another forum and it opened my eyes (her husband was depressed and anfpgry for five years). In a few cases it's simply not so black and white.

handfulofcottonbuds · 13/07/2015 00:53

I'm guessing it's not just sex you miss but more the intimacy and closeness you feel with him. Especially if he pulls away after a simple peck. How soul destroying is that?!

I don't agree with affairs for obvious reasons but I do believe your DH is being very unreasonable here if he won't even discuss how you are feeling.

Yes, it might knock his masculinity to discuss it but it is clearly making you die a little bit inside when all you crave is to be desired by your DH who you love and care for.

He needs to listen to you and if he won't even give you that out of respect for your feelings then I think you may have to think of your options.

sykadelic · 13/07/2015 01:51

No it's never okay to cheat. Deception is never a good idea in a relationship.

Is it okay to have sex outside the marriage, if he agrees to it, yes.

Your problem is not the lack of sex, it's not that he's disabled, it's that he's totally unwilling to discuss something that is upsetting to you, and unwilling to even attempt to get help for it. If he tried everything he could and still was unable to have PIV sex and you left him, it wouldn't be because of the lack of PIV sex, it would be because of incompatibility.

That said, you're asking him to have sex with you when he really doesn't want to, and sexual pressure is awful. You're telling him that the lack of sex is a deal breaker. If this were a post about a man and his disabled wife, I think many of these responses would be different. He doesn't have to have sex with you if he doesn't want to because he has bodily autonomy.

To be honest I don't think sex with another person is a need. I think intimacy is. I think sexual release is. Emotional connection. It seems like many of these things are missing and that's sad because I wouldn't feel loved at all.

I do hope things get better OP, but I don't think going outside the marriage is the answer, even with permission. You will probably end up emotionally drifting away from your marriage and end up leaving anyway. So do some serious thinking about what you really want and if your H isn't stepping up to the plate, it might be time to leave.

Offred · 13/07/2015 04:22

Sex is not a need. Cheating is never ok.

However in a relationship people have to relate to each other and he is refusing to do that on this issue.

It's a big issue for you and you should not be expected to minimise your feelings about it just because he doesn't want to talk about it.

I think you need to have a very frank conversation with him about it and how it is making you feel. If he won't have any sexual contact with you at all and he won't tolerate you seeking sexual contact outside the relationship then you will need to split up I think. What's the alternative? Cheat and lose him if he finds out or gradually erode his self esteem if he doesn't or accept that you will never have sex again?

Offred · 13/07/2015 04:24

I don't think you can impose non-monogamy on him and I don't think he can impose a sexless relationship on you, nor do I think you can force him into sexual contact he doesn't want. Doing things honestly and respectfully is always better IMO.

SolidGoldBrass · 13/07/2015 15:25

Anyone who refuses to have sex with his/her partner longterm and also refuses to discuss the issue, other than to demand that the relationship continues, has lost the right to the partner's 'faithfulness'.

Of course people shouldn't have to engage in sexual activity they don't want, but if you are the one who dislikes sex what business is it of yours who your partner does it with? To refuse sex (without any discussion or wish to resolve the matter) and simultaneously insist on monogamy is selfish abusive behaviour.

Offred · 13/07/2015 15:41

Having an affair in those circumstances is just tit for tat though. What's the point? I don't believe in tit for tat. It isn't an emotionally healthy way to conduct a relationship for anyone.

Offred · 13/07/2015 15:42

It doesn't solve the issue in your primary relationship either - that your partner isn't treating you respectfully or equally.

Seriouslyffs · 13/07/2015 15:45

Offred What's the point?
erm... the non withholding partner gets intimacy and sex!

Offred · 13/07/2015 16:03

Well yeah they may but they would get a much better quality of intimacy and sex if they actually just left their partner! Plus by sneaking around having an affair they are basically descending to the same or a worse level than their partner.

FlorIxora · 13/07/2015 18:18

I think what you both need is counselling. Has anyone stopped to think how it might feel for him to feel unable to satisfy his wife? Maybe he got stuck in his bereavement for his sex life, he's not progressed past denial. Maybe every time OP comes near he's just learnt to shut down because it's easier to shut down then accept that a side of his life is "dead". I think he needs a counsellor to help him deal with/accept the realities of his disability, and then OP & him could have couple's counselling to try and gain an intimate life even if full sex isn't possible. If that fails then maybe the marriage is dead, but it seems a shame to give up now if that hasn't been tried.

Best of luck OP.

HelenaDove · 13/07/2015 18:38

He is not unable to satisfy his wife though. He wont do foreplay.

derxa · 13/07/2015 18:56

OP you haven't said how old you are and if you have any children.

I'm a 'in sickness and health' type but your DH sounds horrendous. He is a dog in the manger. I would actually divorce him right now. He doesn't really care about you or he would have addressed this issue.

Janette123 · 13/07/2015 19:10

No, it is not OK to 'cheat'.

However, if he is unwilling to participate in any kind of sexual activity (or even talk about it) then this could be classed as "unreasonable behaviour" and grounds for divorce.

What is your husband's medical problem and can the GP help?

HelenaDove · 13/07/2015 19:14

The "Get yourself down to Anne Summers" comment is crass and minimizing.

Ive been on MN for 4 years and ive also seen plenty of men post about being in this situation.

Ive not seen any of them get told to buy an inflatable sex doll though.

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