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Original poster

Is it ever ok to cheat?

193 replies

Osteres · 12/07/2015 09:27

My DH is ill/disabled and unable to have any kind of sexual relationship. Should I just resign myself to the fact I'll never have sex again, or is it ok to go outside the relationship in cases like this? My DH would absolutely never agree to letting me sleep with someone else, I would need to lie to him.

OP posts:
TheStoic · 12/07/2015 12:28

So, he should do perform sexual acts against his will? And if he doesn't then its his fault she cheats?

Enough of the straw men. You sound like a 12 year old.

HermioneWeasley · 12/07/2015 12:29

march I don't think anyone should perform any sex acts against their will. But equally I don't think it's fair to refuse any physical intimacy with your partner for the rest of their life and expect the marriage to be unaffected. He has made his choice, and it has consequences.

My partner and I didn't have sex for about a year after DC2, but there was always the hope and belief that we would start again when exhaustion was less. (We have in case anyone is worried!)

MarchLikeAnAnt · 12/07/2015 12:32

Well is that not what the pp said stoic?

All I'm saying is that it's better to leave a partner rather than cheat on them.

nrv0us · 12/07/2015 12:33

Looking at it from his point of view, I can see how a severe disability must bring with it all kinds of psychological stresses -- depression, anxiety, maybe even low self-worth and emasculation (I may be projecting here). I can see how it might be scary to give your partner the freedom to go off and be with other people. (What if she leaves me??) But you have to make him see that it is precisely that freedom that will help you remain with him.

MaggieJoyBlunt · 12/07/2015 12:34

I am surprised at how many people think sex isn't a need.

Hellochicken · 12/07/2015 12:35

For me the vows mean no sex with other people. He hasn't broken vows by not wanting/ unable to have sex.

But this is probably affected by me thinking

  • I'm certain I'd find an affair "emotional" not just sex, if there was none, I don't think I'd have better sex than masturbation!
  • deception is not exciting for me, the thought makes me feel sick. It's not me thinking I'm so "good", just I really would hate to deceive someone I love more than benefit of sex.
nrv0us · 12/07/2015 12:36

March -- if those were the only two options then you might be right, in some cases.

But this is a classic false binary (look it up). There is a middle ground between those two options, and that's what we're exploring here. Life is complicated.

TheStoic · 12/07/2015 12:37

I am surprised at how many people think sex isn't a need.

In the basic sense, it isn't. Food, water, oxygen are needs. Sex is a primal urge (obviously less so for some than others). And lucky it is, or none of us would be here.

MarchLikeAnAnt · 12/07/2015 12:41

Fine, I bow down to your superior knowledge nrv0us Grin

Op, I hope you find a solution that is healthy for both you and your DH Flowers

nrv0us · 12/07/2015 12:42

Sex isn't a NEED, but imagine someone told you that from here on out you could never travel ever again, or never listen to another note of music. You wouldn't drop dead on the spot, but nor would you be especially excited about the remaining 40 years (or whatever) of your life.

MaggieJoyBlunt · 12/07/2015 12:43

It's a need for psychological health in adult humans, I think.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 12/07/2015 12:45

Sex isn't a need in that without it we would die, but it's comes in the next layer of needs (emotional intimacy, companionship, connection). Without those things we could survive but we would not be complete and healthy humans.
Many people can meet their needs for emotional intimacy and companionship without sex, but for most people sex is part of that layer of needs.

Op, I don't think cheating is the answer. However I'm not sure what is. I wouldn't live in a sexless marriage with no prospect of change but then you love him and want to stay married. It's not simple at all but I still don't think cheating is ok.

As you are more of a carer than a partner then I think he should absolutely agree to you seeking sex elsewhere. I think it's very selfish that he isn't.

TheStoic · 12/07/2015 12:47

Sex isn't a NEED, but imagine someone told you that from here on out you could never travel ever again, or never listen to another note of music. You wouldn't drop dead on the spot, but nor would you be especially excited about the remaining 40 years (or whatever) of your life.

Absolutely.

It's a need for psychological health in adult humans, I think.

Well, not really. Plenty of psychologically healthy people aren't interested in sex. And that's ok, as long as it's not affecting other parts of their life.

LovesPeace · 12/07/2015 12:50

No, deception is not ok. You need to renegotiate your marriage.

Branleuse · 12/07/2015 12:55

You only get one shot at life. People also seem to forget that.

I had a sexless marriage. It was completely soul destroying.

Aussiemum78 · 12/07/2015 13:02

It is a need in the same way cuddling you kids is a need. You could just feed them because that is a need, but they'd be the poorer for the lack of emotional bonding.

It is soul destroying, and I say that as someone who has been through it.

Op has your husband tried medication etc? Is it physically impossible or does he just not want to fix it?

ImperialBlether · 12/07/2015 13:09

Is he affectionate with you? Does he hug you? Kiss you?

wafflyversatile · 12/07/2015 13:26

I think you need to tell him how much it is hurting you. He's not the only one entitled to expect love and care in his marriage.

Original poster
Osteres · 12/07/2015 13:58

Wow, thanks for all the opinions and suggestions!

DH has a physical disability meaning full sex is impossible. This happened after we married. I suspect he is depressed, making him not want any affection at all. He point blank refuses to get medical help for the depression.

We hug and peck on the lips but he pulls away if I try anything more. Personally I think I have been very patient and understanding to live with this for 6 years. I want nothing more than to be close to him physically, it doesn't have to be 'sex' but to feel desired and for him to give me pleasure would be nice.

It's not going to happen though, I have tried and tried. He shuts down if I mention it and yes, it seems to be a case of 'I don't want you but no one else can have you either'. I am just supposed to accept what has been imposed on me, and I resent that.

I used to very strongly believe if you love someone you do not cheat. I didn't ever expect to be physically abandoned like this though.

You have all given me a lot to think about, I won't be rushing into anything.

OP posts:
flatbellyfella · 12/07/2015 14:17

I would not want my wife to suffer the way you are, if I had one. You should not go without physical love & afection for years. You will have to be careful if you do go outside , that the contact may be overwhelming,& you crave it even more.which ever way you go, I wish you well....

Branleuse · 12/07/2015 14:21

6 years??

Dump him.

Youre not obliged to stay with him because hes disabled. Seriously

AnyFucker · 12/07/2015 14:47

In this situation, I would leave him then

mrstweefromtweesville · 12/07/2015 15:06

If you leave him, you'll feel bad for not keeping to the 'sickness, health better, worse' part of marriage.
If you stay, you'll become embittered and you might feel your life is being wasted.
Have I missed your age and if you have children? If you're 26 and no children, its a bit different from being 60 with five adult offspring. If you're young with no children and want some, you need to leave.
If you stay but tell him you intend to have a sex life, and he has to put up with it, heartbroken or not, he'll be bitter and probably unpleasant.
As it stands at the moment, leaving him seems the best option.

Ihatemyselfsomuch · 12/07/2015 16:31

If it was a man on here saying "my wife is disabled and wont have sex with me, I want to cheat but it would devastate her, should I do it anyway?", I'm realitively sure not as many people would be saying "yeah, go for it!".

Sex is an important part of connecting on a deeper level within a relationship, and refusing to even consider a way round limited desire isn't healthy for a successful long term relationship. It's also not healthy to go and do something that you know would deeply hurt someone you love. If you're not being fulfilled however you need to sit down and have the conversation that needs to be had with your husband. Either that, or prepare to live a life with him that would be a lie in two ways, one where you never have sex again or two where you go around behind your loved ones back sleeping with people/strangers for the rest of your life. If when you come to the end of your days and look back at whatever decision you make with no regrets, as in, "yes, I'm glad I did that, with no guilt or shame on your soul (divorce or cheating etc), you should live the path you will regret the least.

Vagabond · 12/07/2015 17:37

The question is: would he prefer to be alone rather than be cheated on?