Is it ever ok to cheat?

[Osteres]

My DH is ill/disabled and unable to have any kind of sexual relationship. Should I just resign myself to the fact I'll never have sex again, or is it ok to go outside the relationship in cases like this? My DH would absolutely never agree to letting me sleep with someone else, I would need to lie to him.

'Cheating' is the best option in this situation, because an affair will give you the strength to end the failing relationship. For a lot of people 'I fell in love with someone else' is a more comprehensible reason for ending a marriage than 'My partner insists that I remain celibate for the rest of my life.'
Monogamy is an artificial construct that makes a lot of people miserable anyway, so the more damage that gets done to the concept and the status of monogamy as the 'only way', the better.

"Monogamy is an artificial construct that makes a lot of people miserable anyway, so the more damage that gets done to the concept and the status of monogamy as the 'only way', the better."

I agree with the first part but I think what you advocate does more damage to the idea of happy and respectful non-monogamous relationships tbh. You aren't advocating non-monogamy, you are advocating for cheating, lying and disrespecting your partner because they have done that to you.

Until non-monogamy can shed the prejudice that it is just another name for treating people badly I don't see how it will be generally accepted.

I would second the PP who suggested counselling. Give him an ultimatum NOT about sex, but about talking this through with a professional. I suspect you will get a lot of relief just by being "heard", and it may dawn on him how unreasonable he's being. Good luck.

Fundamentally I don't think the issue is about the OP "wanting" to cheat.

The root of the problem is her DH's total resistance to discussing the lack of any intimacy at all in the marriage.

True we don't need sex like we need to breathe - but intimacy, contact and physical touching is a huge part of any marriage.

The OP didn't sign up for a sexless marriage and whilst I have sympathy for her husband, it's not fair to impose his physical and emotional limitations (when he has put in zero effort to find a middle ground) on her unless she is happy with that.

Yes we can quote "in sickness and in health" but given his intransigence, he's the one that's actually forsworn his vows to "love and honour".

In your place OP I think you need to force a discussion with your husband. His standard response of "I won't try but you can't get intimacy elsewhere" just isn't fair.

If we won't engage then I don't think you should cheat, but I do think you should leave.

You can't make him talk but you can say that your worth nothing less than an open and honest conversation, this is his oppotunity to be part of the solution as opposed to remaining the problem.

Do not let his intransigence make you into a liar or a cheat, you are worth so much more than that. If the price of staying in this marriage is compromising your integrity to this degree, than its too high.

I agree pretty much with SGB.

The OP has tried to speak to her DH. He is not willing to discuss or try and accommodate any change. Six years is a long enough time. He's not going to change his mind or behaviour.

So...you, OP, need to think and explore what you are willing to do. Leaving the marriage seems unpalatable at the moment.

Whatever you decide, someone will get hurt. Sadly, either you or your DH.

A relationship can accommodate/survive anything where their is communication and a willingness to stick together. On way or another.

There

FGS - getting down to Ann Summers does not make up for the need for intimacy or feeling wanted and desired!

RTFT and maybe you'll realise the issue here!

Of course it's a bloody need! Stupid to say otherwise. It's one of the most basic of needs, alongside food, drink and shelter.

Sex is not a need in the true sense of the word. That doesn't mean it is being unreasonable to feel it is very important or an essential part of a relationship. It isn't a need and definitely not in comparison to food or shelter without which people die...

Offered I beg to differ. Sex is a need. All species would die out with out it.

Think you'll find it is.

No, the species would die out without reproduction.

What do you die of without sex?

Oh now you've brought out the triangle of bogus science that was used to justify abuse of women I see where you are coming from(!)

Sex is not comparable to shelter, food and drink for obvious reasons.

It doesn't need to be considered a need for the op's husband to be out of order.

It's a basic need, understood by Maslow. Of course, you know better.

Oh Jesus, here we go again.

Is there anything that you're not a world-class expert on, offred?

I never said that. Though if you are touting maslows heirarchy of needs as evidence you will be aware of why the methodology used is bogus and the many, many criticisms of the concept!

Use your brain - does anyone die without sex? Are a some people asexual? Are there any people who live without food?

It's all gone off topic here and not helpful.

OP - if you are still reading, I sympathise for your situation. there has been good advice here and I truly hope you can find a solution

Clue - one of the criticisms is that it is no more credible scientifically speaking than one person's opinion...

I do like that you posted the children's version though just to make sure my tiny brain could understand your point(!)

Do it and don't tell him. If the lack of sex is the only thing causing unhappiness in your relationship then you'll both benefit from the newly appreciated and satisfied you.

In your situation I would have no qualms about having an affair.

If you are discreet he is likely never to find out and you will have a bit of joy in your life. It will cause the least hurt all round.

Actually I would probably leave but I can't see the problem with you having an affair or ten. He is not the boss of you -he is supposed to be your partner. He doesn't get to dominate or dictate because he is disabled.

Sex isn't a need on the same level as food, warmth and shelter.

But it is a need on another level. Some people can choose to live content and celibate lives, but when celibacy is forced unwillingly, it can have serious repercussions.

There is enough evidence of what happens when sexuality is repressed littered throughout history, and even modern day.

The Catholic Church, for example, has a great deal to answer for.

Reading with interest - and sympathy OP being in a somewhat similar position, leaning towards something I would never, ever have considered, infidelity.