Is it ever ok to cheat?

[Osteres]

My DH is ill/disabled and unable to have any kind of sexual relationship. Should I just resign myself to the fact I'll never have sex again, or is it ok to go outside the relationship in cases like this? My DH would absolutely never agree to letting me sleep with someone else, I would need to lie to him.

Being a rape survivor doesn't make you asexual. It means you have sexual dysfunction post-trauma.

I don't think saying sex is not a need in any way devalues the importantness of sex to some people. I have a hugely high sex drive, absolutely love sex, feel hugely frustrated without enough/with poor quality sex but I know I would not die if I didn't have sex and that other people simply don't feel the same way about t as me. If they don't they are not defficient human beings they are just incompatible with me.

No, I really don't think that is why the assumption is being made. Perhaps a re-read of your contributions to this thread might give you some insight.

Being a rape survivor doesn't make you asexual. It means you have sexual dysfunction post-trauma.

To be fair, I think that was the point. i.e. that many people who claim to be 'asexual', actually have something else going on.

No, not getting how anything I've said means I'm asexual. Oh well, I suppose that makes me an asexual pleb..

Yeah, but my point was not that everyone who claims to be asexual is. It was that just because some people who claim to be are not it doesn't mean there is not such thing as asexuality.

It is frankly ridiculous and reductive to claim sex is a human need. Strong sexual desire is still a desire. The fact it is a desire rather than a need (and really if it were a need the op's h wouldn't be causing a problem because he's still be having sexual contact) doesn't in any way reduce it's importance to the op, or the importance of asserting that sex is an extremely important element of a relationship/their life to some people.

Saying it is a need justifies the overriding of consent since consent is a very important and desirable factor in sexual relationships but it is not necessary in order for someone to satisfy themselves sexually.

And that's one of the criticisms of Maslow placing sex into the 'physiological needs' category of his triangle. It implies that rape is justified because the physiological need for sex trumps the psychological desire for consent.

Perhaps youre asexual too offered....

March - assumptions aren't being made about you because you disagree with cheating (most people ostensibly do); assumptions are being made about you because of the way you've spoken to the OP who is in a fairly untenable situation.

Offred - I don't disagree with you at all, and I think it's slightly more complex than 'sex is a need'.

Perhaps it's something more along the line of 'the ability to be able to express your sexuality long-term is a need'.

Which is more about having a fulfilling sex life, rather than being entitled to engage in a sex act at any given time. Not sure if I'm making sense...

entirely agree with this 'the ability to be able to express your sexuality long-term is a need' but I also feel asexuality is not made up and is included in this.

Expressing sexuality is important for psychological health. It absolutely cannot be described as a physiological need equivalent to breathing/eating - a point you made earlier.

Maslows triangle is where my disagreement has been. Basic physiological needs are not all that is important to humans or all that is required for mental and physical wellbeing.

And saying sex is a need in a relationship where one of the partners absolutely rejects sexual contact could be used to justify abuse. I don't see the issue with simply leaving a relationship that is insatisfying rather than behaving abusively (not that leaving isn't really really hard). Behaving well towards others I think is an equally important psychological requirement for health and wellbeing of individuals and society as being able to express sexuality.

Fair point TheDowagerCuntess which is why I wished the op well and disengaged from the the thread.

I didn't make the point that it's the same sort of need as eating and breathing - I expressly said it was on a different level, so you might have me confused with someone else there.

Behaving well towards others is at the heart of this, and at the moment it doesn't seem as if either the OP, nor her husband are able to guarantee this.The relationship - as it stands at the moment with nothing changing - does seem doomed to fail.

No, that's what I meant. That you made the distinction.

No MarchLikeAnAnt, I think you have a low sex drive or are asexual because you're so uncomprehending of what you think the OP should be giving up, and so flippant in your response to her. And please understand I'm not judging you for whoever it is that you are. Just that I think your response (and that of others, now I've read a bit more of the thread) is oversimplified and lacks an understanding of what sexuality means to some people. As an aside, I had a very black and white view of sexual ethics when I thought I was asexual and didn't know what I was capable of. I'm not saying you are like me, or that you should be like me, but I think it's fair to say you don't understand what I would be sacrificing if I had to give up sex.

Offred, I absolutely agree that being traumatised by rape does not make one asexual. That's exactly the point I was making. For the purposes of this discussion, I don't think it matters whether asexuality is real or not. The OP is not asexual and it doesn't sound as though her husband is either - he's ill/disabled. Even if he were asexual, just because he doesn't need sex doesn't mean the OP doesn't. Celibacy is not the same thing as asexuality.

Would we all agree that friendship and human interaction are human needs? What would happen if you were suddenly cut off from seeing friends and family or socialising with anyone? Sexuality is much the same. After a good session, I feel calm, at peace, fulfilled and loving to the world in general. Nobody would expect me to spend my life alone in my living room without making friends or socialising just because that's not a direct cause of death. Why is sex different? Though actually, denying yourself human contact like that can have a terrible effect on your mental and physical wellbeing and can be a contributing factor of mortality.

I don't think having an affair is 'right' but I also don't think the world is utterly black and white. It is easy to say 'well leave the relationship' as if it's just putting down a rucksack. I can well believe the OP loves her husband and can't just leave him like that, but at the same time can't countenance a lifetime of never holding and being intimate with another person. I don't think expecting someone with plenty of life in them yet to give up one of the most life affirming elements of humanity against their will is right either.

DowagerCuntess, I absolutely love your username.

Ah, I'm with you Offred - sorry!

Thanks Sheba

And just because I now feel a need to stress it - of course sex being a need doesn't justify rape. But rape isn't about desire, it's about control and power.

I just have different morals to you Sheba .

I think it's just the introduction of the Maslow triangle that somewhat confused things. It's the idea that sex is a basic physiological need that I disagree with. The point of the Maslow triangle is that in achieving self-actualisation he believes there is a hierarchy of needs which must be met at each level before the next can be addressed. I don't think there is any argument for putting sex in physiological needs with food/air. I'm conscious that when that is done in the context of a relationship where one partner does not want sexual contact that can lead to the justification of abuse of that partner so it's not something I'm keen to see on this thread.

The op's h is withdrawing sex and refusing to talk about it or allow her to express her sexuality which no-one would say is healthy or acceptable.

It's actually what the op does to address this problem with the enforced restriction on her sexual expression that matters. I think cheating would be understandable but not acceptable therefore and also not likely to improve her psychological wellbeing - that's more likely to be improved by making the most positive and honest choices possible IMO but anyway you look at it the whole thing is a shit situation to be in, not least because her h is forcing her into the position of taking all the consequences and making all the decisions by refusing to talk about it. That alone is something that would motivate me to leave a partner.

It's not often I contribute to threads as most has already been said but wholeheartedly agree with solid gold brass's comments. This poor woman has lived without sex for 6 years and she's in the wrong for wanting her needs fulfilled? Seriously are we living in the 50s still?!

My advice damned if you do damned if you don't. Family and friends will raise their eyebrows at leaving your husband but I would hope he would back you up by saying the marriage broke down. Other option find a man who can provide you with nsa sex that wont compromise your marriage. Someone completely unconnected to your home life.

Lastly we all have our opinions but there's no need to make the poster feel worse than she already does, come on we're grown women and life isn't black and white.

Rape being about control and power is incidentally why I think putting it at the bottom (and giving male sex control and power) is bad!!!

She's absolutely not in the wrong for wanting sex... Not sure anyone said that. We were mainly disagreeing what the best way of dealing with the problem is, not saying there is no problem!

She's absolutely not in the wrong for wanting sex... Not sure anyone said that. We were mainly disagreeing what the best way of dealing with the problem is, not saying there is no problem!

This ^^ x1000

chuckles Nice try, MarchLikeAnAnt. My morals are fine. You're not superior because you don't share or understand my needs and experiences. I had a very black and white viewpoint on the world once too, before I met someone interesting and embarked on a life changing journey of self discovery. I don't envy you one bit.

Funnily enough, I was talking to a friend earlier who suffered a series of terrible miscarriages last year and has had non stop bleeding for several months (hopefully an upcoming op should finally sort it out). As a result of this, she and her husband haven't been able to have penetrative sex. But they can live with it because they still show each other the physical closeness that expresses their relationship, and they care about each other's needs. She still uses her vibrator when she's able and she doesn't begrudge him sometimes taking matters into his own hands. The point is, they care about each other's needs and know this is temporary. In the OP's case, she is being asked to resign herself to a lifetime without sex and being made to feel selfish or unloving if this is too deprived an existence for her to countenance.

I think an awful lot of people don't really understand that one day they are going to be old and die...

Offred, I'm sorry, I don't understand the point you're making about sex being about putting the man in charge? I happen to be a sub, but one of the most basic things to know about that is the importance of limits and safewords - no true Dom would ever abuse that and anyone who understands it knows the concept of power exchange. Things happen in sessions that push me, but nothing happens that I don't allow. It is all with my permission - the ultimate difference between domination and abuse.

Rape is not about sexuality or sexual desire - in fact, some evidence suggests that women who are considered less conventionally attractive may be at greater risk of it because attackers assume - often rightly, I am sorry to say - that nobody will believe them. There are still people who need to be told that rape isn't a compliment :(

Well think about it Sheba. If sex is a basic physiological need but there are differences in male and female physiology when it comes to sex which create an imbalance in terms of accessing sex without consent it's basically just another apology for rape because putting it in physiological needs means that rape is a form of sex. That the physiological requirement of sexual function needs to be given a greater priority than the psychological. The whole thing about rape being more a form of psychological torture/control than sexual satisfaction is what utterly discredits sex being put in with physiological needs.