Is it ever ok to cheat?

[Osteres]

My DH is ill/disabled and unable to have any kind of sexual relationship. Should I just resign myself to the fact I'll never have sex again, or is it ok to go outside the relationship in cases like this? My DH would absolutely never agree to letting me sleep with someone else, I would need to lie to him.

MarchLikeanAnt, if you think sex isn't a need then you're doing it wrong.

Slut shaming is a ridiculous non word , like wanker shaming twat shaming, slut is not a noun its a description. You can't really use it in a serious context. On topic , OP really tricky FWIW I think your dhs putting you in an unfair position.

I would start from a different position by asking myself what is "OK"? What does it mean?

Guess that explains people who are asexual then! Good good...

Sure, whatever you say ShebaShimmyShake....

Affairs are not for the faint-hearted, that is true. However, there are some advantages to them:

• you can express and satisfy your sexual feelings again and can enjoy non-sexual physical contact too, which you also crave.
• you stop upsetting your husband anymore by putting pressure on him to do something that, for whatever reason, he will not do.
• you are both more happier due to the two points above and as a result, you may get on better.

If you want to stay with your husband and you also want to remain sexually active, an affair (or series of casual relationships) may well be your only choice. He clearly would not approve of an open relationship, so Its difficult to see any other way. Sex toys are absolutely no substitute for real sex long term and it is not helpful to pretend otherwise.

Your husband does not have to find out. Many posters here imply that all affairs will eventually be discovered, but it strikes me as an odd thing to say. It is simply not true. A real risk, however, is to fall for your OM - you would need to think what you would do if that happened.

You are in a horrible situation and you have all my sympathy. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Not to argue semantics, Fuji, but 'slut' is absolutely a noun. It's not a nice one, but it's a label some people apply to a person, so you can say 'S/he is a slut' just as you can say 'a prude' or 'a tease' or 'a puzzle' or 'a recluse.'

But anyway, like it or not, it's a phrase in pretty common usage meaning 'to make a woman (usually) feel bad for wanting and enjoying sex.' You don't have to like it. You don't have to use it. But I'm afraid it's too late to start trying to tell others not to use it. It's out there! It's happening!

Oh, wanker shaming and twat shaming sound perfectly fine to me. I bet a good 95% of people could work out what they mean even though they'd never heard them before.

No but there are sometimes mitigating circumstances.

Look, the OP's H has decided that her needs don't matter and he has no interest in how she feels about it. So here are the various options open to the OP and the likely outcomes.

1. She accepts stupid people's fetishization of the importance of monogamy and 'your marriage vows', remains in the marriage, remains 'faithful' ie celibate against her wishes, and is thoroughly miserable for the rest of her life.

2. She leaves this selfish whinyarse, who proceeds to milk the fact for all it's worth 'Selfish bitch left me, she's evil waa waa'. OP is miserable.

3. OP finds other man to have sex/intimacy/fun/life-enhancing activities with. She and OM decide they want to be together, OP leaves whinyarse, suffers a bit from social condemnation from stupid people who think that women should never prioritize their own wishes but she has nice new partner. OP is happy.

4. OP finds several other men to have NSA sex with, feels happier, finds it easier to cope with whinyarse and he feels less 'under pressure' so they live comfortably and contentedly with one another. At least until some officious twat detects the possibility of An Affair and interferes.

You'll note there is an option which is NOT available - the one where the whinyarse takes some responsibility for himself, seeks help for his 'depression' and either lets OP go her own way willingly or finds out that his lack of libido is fixable and fixes it. Because that's not going to happen.

It's not just about how other people feel though is it? It's also about how he feels. I just do not agree that someone treating you badly means they deserve bad treatment. If her h wants a sexless marriage and the op doesn't that doesn't mean it will have no effect on him (or her for that matter) if she cheats nor does it mean he deserves to be treated that way. It's childish and as I said before it doesn't help to promote non-monogamy as a valid choice or dispel prejudices about non-monogamy IMO.

There is a big difference between consensual non monogamy and non-consensual non monogamy. non-consensual non monogamy is abusive and disrespectful and is what damages relationships and self esteem, it's partly what gives non-monogamy a bad name because people are unable to see past their own feelings and prejudices to understand that happiness, respect and love happen in consensual non-monogamous relationships. If you promote non-consensual non-monogamy you are not being radical or overthrowing heteronormative prejudices that monogamy is the only way. You are very often propping up the view that monogamy is the only way by encouraging people to keep up a pretence of monogamy and to stay in relationships that make them unfulfilled.

Either way, the op is not saying she is unfulfilled by monogamy, she's saying she is deeply unhappy about the way her husband is treating her. No problem of that nature is resolved unproblematically by 'tit for tat'.

Offred, I personally haven't met any asexual people who've had good sex, in fact most of them are traumatised about it for some reason. Not the same thing.

MarchLikeAnAnt, what a biting response. If you have never had sex that left you high for days on end and longing for more, I pity you far too much to draw out an internet discussion about it when I could be, uh, getting that high. You bet your bottom dollar it's a need.

If you are going to do it, I would stick with casual encounters rather than risk getting attached.

Well I guess you either believe asexuality exists or you don't but it's a bit ignorant to say because you think people you know are not really asexual asexuality doesn't exist...

And now it's not just sex we 'need' but good sex? You want sex, you want good sex more than that, that's all.

How odd you are ShebaShimmyShake .

There is more than one marriage vow FFS.

OPs husband has been breaking the love and comfort / love and cherish one for years.

If he is breaking vows continuously, and you are considering joining him, why stay in the marriage?

I know that I would slowly but definitely decide on a discreet affair. With the emotional risks involved. Then I'd probably leave eventually as an affair is like eating a pork pie for the pastry iykwim!

OP, you're between a rock and a hard place. But I think you can not ignore what you want/need just because your husband chooses to do so.

OP, may I suggest you read Lady Chatterley's Lover, if you haven't already? It is bizarre to me that a man writing in 1928 has a better handle on female sexuality and the concept that a woman should have no sexual needs of her own if her husband is unable/unwilling to fulfilll them than women in 2015, but apparently that is so. MarchLikeAnAnt feels the need to tell you off ('loving sex more than your husband') because you don't want to go the rest of your life without this incredibly important and fulfilling experience, and thinks I'm odd because I have experienced extreme sexual highs, wouldn't want to go the rest of my life without them, and think it is very unreasonable to expect other people to do so. Make of that what you will.

Offred (judging from your name I know you appreciate the importance of sexuality and human relationships), I'll be honest. At one point I thought I was asexual and spent quite some time in the company of other self-described asexuals.

Not one of them was truly asexual. Many were rape or sexual assault survivors, so they had a very good reason for being traumatised, but they were not truly asexual. Some (mostly men in their 20s and early 30s) were bitter about women who had rejected them in the past and had decided the way to get over this was to embrace celibacy, and complain a LOT about their sexual rejection. Entirely their right, but celibacy is not asexuality. Some, like me, were simply uncomfortable with their sexuality (I have since traced the origins of my discomfort - I won't bore you with the details, but suffice to say, I and they were not asexual) and some, I am pretty sure, were in the closet.

The world is a big place. I am sure some true asexuals do exist, but they are rare. (I'm not counting people who are older or ill and whose bodies in general are tiring out.) Yes, my comment about 'doing it wrong' was glib, but I felt it was appropriate in response to someone who thought it somehow amoral for a woman to have sexual needs (yes, needs) and not wish to go her whole life unfulfilled and frustrated. (Again, Lady Chatterley.) In terms of all the 'asexuals' I met, sex was indeed done 'wrong' - done without consent, not done with the people they felt they deserved, tainted by past experience, whatever.

I turned out to be an enthusiastic kinkster. Some asexual!

Anyway, perhaps MarchLikeAnAnt is a true asexual or just doesn't have that high a sex drive. That's her prerogative. But if so, then she is not qualified to comment tell people with more normal ('standard', if 'normal' offends you, whatever) sex drives they ought to go their lives not fulfilling them. It's not as though the OP is looking to cuckold a man who is trying to satisfy her.

Sexuality is complex, rich and a means of building closeness, expressing the deepest passions, enjoying physical pleasure unlike any other. I feel truly sorry - no sarcasm or rhetoric there, I genuinely have sincere pity - for anyone who thinks it's odd to experience that, and not to want to go without it once you know what it is.

MarchLikeAnAnt feels the need to tell you off ('loving sex more than your husband') because you don't want to go the rest of your life without this incredibly important and fulfilling experience, and thinks I'm odd because I have experienced extreme sexual highs, wouldn't want to go the rest of my life without them, and think it is very unreasonable to expect other people to do so. Make of that what you will

perhaps MarchLikeAnAnt is a true asexual or just doesn't have that high a sex drive. That's her prerogative. But if so, then she is not qualified to comment tell people with more normal ('standard', if 'normal' offends you, whatever) sex drives they ought to go their lives not fulfilling them. It's not as though the OP is looking to cuckold a man who is trying to satisfy her

Yeah, I'm a repressed-probablyhasbeensexualassaulted-asexualpersonwithalowlibido .

I recommended the op discuss opening her marriage or leaves him so she is free to pursue sexual relations with who ever she wishes btw you odd person.

As another sexual being, Anais Nin, once said - we don't see things as they are, we see them as we are. MarchLikeAnAnt, I haven't made any assumptions about your past - I've only assumed that you are either asexual or have a low sex drive. Correct me by all means, but I cannot see how anyone with a 'normal'/'standard'/whatever-you-know-what-I-mean drive could have your feelings on the situation. There might well be others, I haven't read the whole thread. And that being the case, I don't think you understand or experience sexuality well enough to advise others on the matter.

And yes, I take some issue with your telling off the OP for wanting sex. That doesn't sit with me. Especially since it's not as though she's being asked to settle for sex with just the man she married. She's being asked to settle for no sex at all. I couldn't do that.

It is unfortunate that OP's husband isn't able to try to satisfy her and I'm sure he's not a bad person. I don't condone affairs. But I also don't condone expecting sexual creatures to deny the fact of their sexuality.

I've tried and failed to find an excellent article I once read by a woman whose husband was severely disabled in an accident and unable to have sex. She loved him and would never leave him, but she was only 40 and couldn't go the rest of her life without sexual pleasure and experience, especially with the pressures of being her husband's full time carer. Her solution was to have a discreet partner who was in a similar situation - always protected - and continue to love and care for her husband in all the ways that were still possible. It kept her sane, healthy and prevented frustration and resentment. I can't ever say that an affair is 'right' (abuse etc aside), but I also can't judge her for her solution. And I think to suggest that she just 'loves sex more than her husband' would be very disrespectful and simplistic.

You assume im a sexual because I don't agree with cheating. That is a very fucked up assumption.

Asexual not a sexual obv*