porn and our future

[myluckystars]

I have been married to dh for 4 years and we have a toddler. Before we got engaged I came home to my flat which we were sharing at the time to find him watching porn on the computer. He wasn't expecting me home for another few hours so was doing this in secret. I have strong feelings about porn and don't like it for a multitude of reasons. I was very upset at the time and told him if it happened again the relationship was over, he seemed very upset by my being upset and that was it (we had a very good sex life btw). We carried on together and got engaged, then married, I trusted him. When out baby was 6 months I caught him again and literally an hour before I caught him I had asked him if he ever did it and he looked me in eye and promised no but then I caught him practically straight after. I realised that probably all the times he had been up late at night while I was going to bed early to get up with baby, he had probably been watching porn and then getting up early and moaning about being tired. Anyway, I was furious and said if it happened again it would be divorce. So 3 years on so far so good although can I ever trust him again on it is my thought. We barely ever have sex because it has been a huge turn-off for me and I have trouble respecting him after him lying to my face.

Fast forward to now and there is a man at work who I have developed feelings for who I am sure feels the same. Nothing has ever happened and I have been very careful to not let my feelings slip out and I feel guilty because I am married. Part of me feels it is not a marriage anymore anyway and surely I deserve to be happy.

For single men haha

I would love if there were sites for women which depicted a loving sexual encounter that involved the pleasure for both

There's loads! Feminist Porn Awards is a good place to start...

It's not that I don't think there is a reason for it to exist. I think the reasons current porn exists are bad reasons. There is no need for it to exist. There's no need for many things to exist.

Hmm I just looked at that site with interest - 'butches and babes' and 'squirting orgasms' what is remotely different and feminist about that?

No I suppose you're right but there is obviously demand for it.

Yeah, no-one is arguing there is no demand. There was once a demand for black slaves from Africa too. Demand says nothing about ethics.

'Squirting orgasms' are not a thing. Research found that they are not a thing. It's just another male created myth that is used to find/call women sexually deficient like the g-spot. Do lesbians really need further contributions to stereotypes like butch vs femme?!

I'm sure lesbians will appreciate you explaining lesbian culture to them and how squirting doesn't exist, offred.

Those looking specifically for films for/about couples should try going to the couples category.
www.feministpornawards.com/category/for-couples/
or the Romantic category.
www.feministpornawards.com/category/romantic/

The "squirting" concept makes me laugh. It's so blindingly obvious that in porn they are urinating, I honestly don't know how anyone can believe it's anything other than urine.
It's also obvious it's a myth due to it being a "modern" phenomena. Thanks again to porn. I have felt under pressure to do this in the past before realising it's actually impossible, unless of course you're unfortunate enough to have a slightly weak bladder, or into watersports (nothing wrong with this, of course but would I think require some prior warning.. Ahem)

But, I have also read the research to say it's not a thing.

Lesbian culture is not free from misogyny, stereotypes or objectification. It is silly to think it is. I don't think 'lesbian culture' whatever that may be, is exempt from feminist analysis either.

You can't imagine women who have relationships with women feeling restricted, oppressed and constrained by the stereotype that lesbians are butch/femme (men/women)?

Squirting is not an actual thing. It actually just isn't. It is urination, that's what studies found. It is constructed by the male led porn industry.

And I'm not looking for a particular type of porn. That website is a website that purports to promote 'feminist porn' yet the featured film is one that promotes constricting stereotypes about lesbian women and a fictional bodily function created by the porn industry and used to make women feel deficient!

It's a strange interpretation of feminism...

One of the films that won an award involves a theme where a powerful man rapes a virgin employee into enjoying sex... I'm yet to see any unairbrushed pictures of normal female bodies too... Just hard to see what is remotely feminist about any of the things on that site...

Yes offred, I was guessing you weren't looking for a particular type of porn, or any porn at all - what you actually want is things to be offended over. So, enjoy!

I'm not 'looking' for things to be offended about. I just don't see what is feminist about the porn on that site. Do you? What makes the films on there feminist porn?

Men who watch porn show abusive traits - honestly I can't see how anybody thinks this is true.

If somebody does have abusive traits it is ^NOT* because he has watched porn or because porn has taught him to be abusive.
It is because he is already like that! Instead of blaming porn blame the man himself.

What about men who tend to watch just lesbian porn? Are they also sexist? Are the women hating it then as well? Or is it just when there's a man involved it means it sexist? Do women only enjoy being in porn when it's all romantic and loving??

I don't understand why it's so hard for people to believe that some women do actually enjoy taking part in porn/webcam shows/whatever. Not everyone thinks the same.

As for Jo - your attitude is actually vile. So these women have gone from being sluts to insecure people with self esteem issues?

It's probably not THEIR choice tho. They are the insecure ones because it makes them feel good that men are drooling over them

So you're one of these who thinks a woman behaves a certain way for male attention?

Also porn is not used just by single men

You'd probably want to watch a few before making your mind up.

For me personally:
Realistic orgasms
A focus on acts which bring pleasure to both partners - e.g. equal screen time given to cunnilingus as to blowjobs
Realistic use of sex toys
Women with body shape and make up which rebels against the patriarchal beauty standard
Equal screen time given to male and female participants, rather than being almost solely focussed on the woman

I also value scenes where the participants are clearly respectful and loving toward each other, although this is more a personal preference than a feminist point. In the same vein, I like films which have a little interview with the performers before or after the main scene, so that you can see the people involved are healthy, sober and consenting, and not some 18-year-old Ukrainian girl who's been blackmailed into it.

Of course not all films will tick all those boxes, and I don't feel it's the job of any film-maker to try to defy societal conventions - their primary job is to make viewers horny, not crusade to overturn the patriarchy.

In regards to the lesbian butch/femme trope which you brought up earlier, in many ways I see this as a positive backlash to the mainstream porn industry's "lesbian" output - which generally consists of bleached blonde barbie dolls with boob implants and long false nails that no lesbian would come within 2 metres of, making "ooh" faces and deep-throating dildos.

At least the butch/femme thing is showing actual real lesbians who look like real lesbians. (I'm not sure how many lesbian friends you have... I live in Brighton and butch is still a massive thing here.)

I don't think anyone is strictly blaming porn. Many people are expecting men to be responsible for themselves and how their behaviour and choices affect others. That's all.

It's not quite so simple as you've put there too. Plenty of research has found that young boys do learn damaging things about sex and women from watching porn.

Well given that I'm a bisexual woman currently living in the Castro in San Francisco and was here for the dyke march...

I've said many times it's not just about performers and their individual feelings. I don't think promoting stereotypes helps overthrow stereotypes and I don't think just because some lesbians accept those stereotypes/definitions that they are fine either.

The comment about porn primarily being for titilation and not 'over throwing the patriarchy' is kind of the main thing too... No-one needs porn and I'm yet to see why it is justified or where this mythical 'feminist porn' which promotes gender and sexual equality actually is...

How are "squirting orgasms" realistic - they are not a thing...

I mean is it very difficult to understand that someone who chooses to style as 'butch' or someone who likes rape play is a very different ethical concept to porn films promoting these things?

Offred, you obviously feel very strongly about this but in your personal opinion is it as black and white as your posts seem to suggest?
E.g porn is always bad.

If you read the thread someone has asked that previously.