Who gets the snip?

[feministwithtitsin]

Hi ladies (and gents)

Me and my DH have just had our 2 DC. We are both still relatively young (I am 30, DH is 29). We have both decided that 2 children is enough for us, our family is complete. I want to retrain and focus on my career in a year or so, and, although my DH probably would like more children, we have decided that 2 is enough as we would be better financially, and I would keep my sanity!

I have had 2 caesareans, the first was a nightmare as I had an infection and the recovery time was a nightmare (5 days in hospital, alot of pain etc) the second was textbook.

As we are both young, neither of us would be looking to get the snip for at least another 5 years, just to be 100% sure, as by that time out fertility would have dropped and I think it would be too disruptive to my career, and life in general, to be having a newborn after that.

So for the next 5 years, I will be on some kind of hormone contraceptive, as condoms are too much of a pain.

The question is who should get the snip? I think my DH should as I have had 2 caseareans already and the op itself is easier, he thinks I should because the risks of vascetomies scare him (long term ball pain etc)

So, mumsnet jury! What is your verdict

Ok joysmum, i apologise if i read into your post a meaning that was not intended. I will duly untwist my knockers!

I too know someone who had vasectomy complication and almost lost a testicle and he was in immense pain for many months (and if he still is I haven't asked). If there are complications with a man, his (and thus your) sexual future is at risk... a bit sad that impotence is the reason to no longer bear children. Also tubal ligation has become a lot easier (as others mentioned above) and I don't think it's fair to say that women "do their part" by bearing the children when biology made that decision for them.

Also, you don't want more kids. His vasectomy could fail (or rejoin) which means you could still get pregnant. As you have pointed out, you are the bearer of the children so if no more children are wanted, yours (in my opinion) would be the option to take.

For double surety, why don't you both get it done?

Skiptonlass - I guess it's not a problem for the OP who is looking for long term contraception as a replacement for sterilisation but you can't claim Mirena is 'instantly reversible'. All you can say is there is no evidence of delayed return to fertility after discontinuing use.

Also, the studies on depo about bone density are coming about because of it's use. Mirena is relatively new and still relatively unpopular so it is still somewhat untested atm in relation to other things. The truth is we actually just don't know what effects Mirena has and we are just getting to grips with depo after more than a decade of popular usage.

I think no-one should get permanently sterilised unless they want to. For a lot of people that may include reasons which are for their partner/family's benefit, which is fine IMO.

The reason you can't get into balancing up what people have done/risked is because basically none of the options are completely great. No contraception - high risk of baby, hormonal contraception - risks for the woman's health and wellbeing and the enjoyment of sex, condoms - loads of faff and for some interferes with enjoyment of sex, sterilisation - permanent and with risks etc there simply isn't a choice which is going to work out well, just a choice between least bad things IMO.

OP I am with you. 3 c sections in ( 2 emergency and the last no choice) I am not enduring anything else. Luckily DH agreed with me.

marriage/childbirth/raising children shouldnt be a point scoring exercise. my story is similar to yours. 2 sections. 1st was a crash under ga. dd1 4 weeks prem, week in hosp. 2nd textbook. I took the choice to get sterilized as dh massive dr/hosp phobic. it isnt as big a deal as MN posters like to think. I was in and out same day. recovered in a few days, mostly because thet stripped my section scar of scar tissue.

you have 5 yrs to think about it. if dh is happy, fine. but you cannot force him

I think it's good to wait. My exh had snip. We decided that together but then two yrs later he left. I couldn't have coil as having had two emergeny c sections it wouldn't go in. Was worse experience than sections!!

Now with new partner I'm 38 and he had snip yrs ago which is all great for sex but we can't even entertain kids idea together. I'd seriously wait until about 40 before making those decisions. Too permanent.

I agree with minime. I was lock down certain I had finished having children at 28 but in reality I had more starting at 36 with a different partner.

Where I live it wouldn't be a matter for debate because the local NHS trust refuse to carry out sterilisation on women anyway

I am absolutely 100% certain I never want to have another baby, I had a traumatic birth 5 years ago that has left me with long term problems that I will need surgery to repair, a pregnancy scare last year made me genuinely suicidal - yet I've been told that I cannot be sterilised.

Sterilisation is not something I would consider or expect my OH to do.
No-one has a crystal ball, life is too unpredictable.

I dont think its point scoring. In what other situation in marriage would one person be expected to take all the risks when both share the benefits? I understand that with child bearing biology dictates, but biology does not dictate this decision!

Having said that, i am starting to be convinced sterilisation may be the best option for me!

Overwhelming response is that you should have it which is interesting.

Also interesting that when looking at contraception for a couple the risks to the man eg loss of sexual function pain are rightly flagged, however pregnancy and birth which also can have many side effects sometimes serious and including loss of sexual function and pain have not been mentioned they are a risk that women are expected to take as a matter of course if the couple want children.

I've found this thread quite eye opening.

Yeah whirlpool the possibility that a man may suffer impaired sexual functioning/pain after vasectomy which is vastly less common than any of the negative consequences of female contraceptives was grating a bit on me too...

Fact is men seem to just expect women to deal with contraception a lot of the time no matter how much their libidos get suppressed by hormones, how many health problems they risk or how much pain they may suffer so the whining about the vasectomy stuff is a bit irritating in that context.

I think though that any method which is permanent should not be done by anyone who isn't 100% happy with that choice.

Oh mirena is a bit Marmite BTW op some people love them some people find them awful. Lots of threads on here if you want to investigate.

Yes many female contraceptives have a lot of side effects. I don't know about risks of sterilisation but reading this seems they are a lot lower than for males.

DH and I are 41, and we're done. He had the snip a couple of weeks ago.

If he had refused, it would've completely altered my opinion of him. It honestly would've. Luckily, he was perfectly willing to do it, because why wouldn't he be?

And to counter the (minority) scare stories, he was in and out in under an hour, and we had sex the next day. Simple procedure for the vast majority of men.

OP maybe have another go with condoms? I used to find them a right faff but since the DC I decided I didn't want to be taking hormones any more having been consuming them since I was 16! I just thought enough is enough let's let my body be for a bit. Anyway we have been using condoms and they aren't nearly as much a pain as I thought when I was young.

I think there are other barrier methods too maybe even some new ones (?) that you could look into.

Risks are lower for men and success is higher.

Yeah and people sometimes suggest nuvaring (hormonal) but there have been deaths reported in the national press while I've been in the U.S. so that's frightened me off that!

Risks may be lower for men, but you can't discount our experiences. Some studies have put the risk of post vasectomy complications as high as 20%. So fuck off with the 'whining' stuff.

Discussion of the risk/benefit comparison usually omits the Essure procedure and omits the NHS unpdates to the risk rate of the serious complications of vasectomy. It is 10%, and although some can be treated (often requiring further surgery) there is nothing much that can be done for PVPS.

Essure does not require a GA, and the complication rate no higher than vasectomy and it looks as if it is pretty much the same in terms of fail rate (reason for qualifying that is that it has not been around for anything like as long, so less data).

Complications after birth are so utterly routine as to be almost banal. Add in monthly menstruation for years on end, hormonal contraception, again for years on end, months of pregnancy, and finally menopause ...

And I'm afraid it is really, really difficult for me personally to see it as anything other than whining. Flame away.

I think some posters in MN dislike the fact that men post on here, and resent it for some reason. I would never minimise or discount the experience of women, I certainly wouldn't describe anyone's post operative experiences as 'whining'. To do so marks you as a pretty poor human being, I'm afraid.