Who gets the snip?

[feministwithtitsin]

Hi ladies (and gents)

Me and my DH have just had our 2 DC. We are both still relatively young (I am 30, DH is 29). We have both decided that 2 children is enough for us, our family is complete. I want to retrain and focus on my career in a year or so, and, although my DH probably would like more children, we have decided that 2 is enough as we would be better financially, and I would keep my sanity!

I have had 2 caesareans, the first was a nightmare as I had an infection and the recovery time was a nightmare (5 days in hospital, alot of pain etc) the second was textbook.

As we are both young, neither of us would be looking to get the snip for at least another 5 years, just to be 100% sure, as by that time out fertility would have dropped and I think it would be too disruptive to my career, and life in general, to be having a newborn after that.

So for the next 5 years, I will be on some kind of hormone contraceptive, as condoms are too much of a pain.

The question is who should get the snip? I think my DH should as I have had 2 caseareans already and the op itself is easier, he thinks I should because the risks of vascetomies scare him (long term ball pain etc)

So, mumsnet jury! What is your verdict

I reckon you've done 2 pregnancies, now it's his turn.

My husband offered, he wasn't at all scared and it was fine.

No i didnt have kids as a favour to my husband! But i dont think him having a vascetomy would be him doing me a favour, either.

Family planning is BOTH of our responsibility, so i dont think talking about vascetomys are out of bounds in a marriage, its not tit for tat, its adults, having an adult conversation about the shape of our family. There is no ultimatum, or forcing of any kind, but conversely, him not having a vascetomy (which is HIS choice, i know, i know) is forcing me to take responsibility, either by being stetilised, or taking hormones for the next 20 years.

I do see the logic in the 'who is the most sure' argument, however.

Exactly. Family planning should be a family conversation. If you are both convinced that you don't want any more children, then it's an equal conversation and hopefully in that situation, he would be the one to get the snip.

A vasectomy is a less complicated procedure, the recovery time is less.

I think 2 caesarsians is enough fiddling inside for one person.

Although my DH would probably like more children, he would like them within the next 5 years, and neither of us would be getting sterilised for 5 years.

We both agree that we do not want to be raising young children for 10 years, iyswim. As we had children relatively young, we would like to enjoy our middle-age with older children, not go back to the baby stage.

Maybe it depends where you live but when I asked at the Drs they said there was no funding available for female sterilisation and to have it done privately would cost ££££ so you might not have the choice.

In this modern day and age it really surprises me that anyone gets 'the snip'! Why don't you use a copper coil? It's good for ten years then you get it replaced and its hormone free and pain free

I have had the copper coil before (hormone free) it made me bleed heavily, and came out before the recall check up, so thats not an option. All other non sterilisation options involve hormones.

Gardening, i didnt realise that!

DH ran screaming to the docs when DC3 was born. He was sensible.

Nobody SHOULD be sterilized.

I'd like my DH to as the risks as I've been the one pumping hormones into my body and put it through pregnancy and child birth.

He doesn't want to, not to piss me off, but because he's genuinely concerned and I respect that.

Oh ffs. I dont think he doesnt want it to piss me off! I do respect his reasons, but his choices also affect me, so i get to put my concerns forward to.

If he takes a vascetomy off the table, then i will have to take responsibiltily myself, and take on board the risks of long term contraception (increased risk of strokes etc) or the risks of complications in pregnancy (as mutliple caesareans are not recommended) or sterilised. Its not a one way street.

I think there's a lot to be said for reassessing once you're well out of the 'little children' stage - when childcare costs have dropped and you are enjoying making a decent amount of money after paying for low wraparound costs (compared to the huge sums for pre-schoolers). When the idea of tiny babies and sleepless nights would be "going back" - then both of you might be more pro the "no more DCs" decision.

I would also say that you are not prepared to take hormones for the next 20 years - perhaps say that yu'll only make it "your job" for the next 5, if he doesn't want the snip, he at that point can start wearing condoms even if they are a faff.

oh and depending on what your friends are doing family wise, another 5 years and everyone might well be out of the 'baby stage' so it becomes less attractive. Then more and more men will be having the snip, it won't be such a unusual idea. (I'm 36, most friends are 'done' with children, men are being rather open about getting the snip, but so far no woman amongst my friends have gone down that route).

We are both sure that its nore kids in less than 5 years or not at all.

Condoms aren't reliable enough for me, as i am 99% sure I dont want anymore kids, and 100% sure i dobt want more when i am 5yrs down the line!

I think a permanent solution is necessary.

I never understand the "what if he wants more children" thinking. My dh had a vasectomy after our dd2 was born. We were both sure that our family was complete. There was no question of either of us wanting another family with anyone else! We have been together for 20 years. This is our family!

It's actually really insulting to suggest that a man might want more children. Even if, God forbid, I died, he would still have two dd's who actually would be even more dependant on their dad.

I agree singsong

When dh mentioned to my DM that he was booked in, she actually said (bear in mind this was just after a conversation about how having another DC would probably leave me permanently disabled) "but you're so young!"

I could only assume that she meant that we wouldn't last, and he would want to have dcs with someone else. We had already gone down the "but what if I die and you fall in love again and want to have more dcs" to cover all available options.

Added to the fact that dh really isn't young :o

I don't agree with singsong. As madly in love with my DH as I am, I would never have been sterilised in my 30's. It's too final. I may have wanted more children with someone else had something happened to him/our relationship. It's not only men who think about that, and I don't think there's anything insulting about it.

I do see that situations can change, but i dont think that we should make decisions in our marriage based upon a 'what if we get divorced'. If we did this we couldnt make any long term plans at all, no children, house, no marriage in the first place even!

Yes that would be true, and the 'what ifs' wouldnt apply if he didn't mind having a vasectomy. But he does.

Oh ffs. I dont think he doesnt want it to piss me off! I do respect his reasons, but his choices also affect me, so i get to put my concerns forward to

No need to get your knockers in a twist. Re-read my post and I'm talking in the first person about MY situation, not yours.

Of course you should put your concerns forward, just as I did. You might want to make a bit of an effort not to be so touchy when you do though.

He doesn't want to yet you think he should.

I hope he doesn't in that case.

Mirena? I hated hormonal contraceptives but loved this - almost stopped my periods and the hormone dose is very very low - really a local not a systemic effect. Also instantly reversible if you don't get on with it, and would be a good stopgap for you.

I wouldn't go for for depo, or implant, personally - I'm seeing some research come through on possible associations with lowered bone density.

There's also something called essure - have you heard of that? Worth a Google.

Purely from a mechanical point of view, a vasectomy is less invasive than a tubal ligation.

One last thing - and I am not saying this is right or wrong, but you might find it hard to find someone who will perform a tubal ligation at your age. Many medics are very wary of doing it (issues with being sued etc.)

I'm not at all insulted by the idea that DH might want more dcs. He is a great husband and father and is very likely to remarry if he found himself single for whatever reason. Our children would still be his, just as ds1 was still his when dd1 was born. I, on the other hand definitely don't want any more dcs and am unlikely to co-habit due to my curmudgeonly nature fierce independence.

Never heard of Mirena? Will look into that!