Who gets the snip?

[feministwithtitsin]

Hi ladies (and gents)

Me and my DH have just had our 2 DC. We are both still relatively young (I am 30, DH is 29). We have both decided that 2 children is enough for us, our family is complete. I want to retrain and focus on my career in a year or so, and, although my DH probably would like more children, we have decided that 2 is enough as we would be better financially, and I would keep my sanity!

I have had 2 caesareans, the first was a nightmare as I had an infection and the recovery time was a nightmare (5 days in hospital, alot of pain etc) the second was textbook.

As we are both young, neither of us would be looking to get the snip for at least another 5 years, just to be 100% sure, as by that time out fertility would have dropped and I think it would be too disruptive to my career, and life in general, to be having a newborn after that.

So for the next 5 years, I will be on some kind of hormone contraceptive, as condoms are too much of a pain.

The question is who should get the snip? I think my DH should as I have had 2 caseareans already and the op itself is easier, he thinks I should because the risks of vascetomies scare him (long term ball pain etc)

So, mumsnet jury! What is your verdict

No, I don't think your situation is rare.

However;
Most women have been cajoled and persuaded into risk taking behaviours including various contraception they hate, and Unsatisfying piv by their selfish lazy partners?
Is not uncommon either.

But it's not really the point. The point was that expecting a man to discuss vasectomy without dismissing it because he thinks a man should not ever have to entertain anything which involves a risk to himself ain't a way to conduct a health happy relationship anymore than the above is.

Surely pregnancy is the biological point of sex, not a side effect. You wouldn't say the side effect of paracetamol is pain relief, would you?

No-one can expect to only ever think about themselves when they are having a relationship with another person.

Well said offred

Pleased you came back feminist, this thread met a very sharp tangent ..... be careful with the toothpaste .

John

In no way am I saying you were cajoled into sex. The risk to you if that contraception (condoms) failed was far greater, though. For other contraception there's both a risk of failure and of side effects (lower libidos on the pill etc)

lavender didn't think i'd get oral hygiene advice from a vascetomy thread!

john i don't trust condoms. They have a 98% success rate when used correctly. That does not.take into consideration breakages, being used incorrectly etc. Theres alot if room fir human error.

I myself have had a few condom failures, resulting in me taking the morning after pill.

Condoms combined with MAP is an efficient combination.

I guess I've always felt that having sex was my choice, contraception my choice, keeping/or not keeping a pregnancy was my choice. I've never felt anything but empowered by this...

The idea that I have been taking risks - so that men don't have to - is a really odd one to me and doesn't fit into my experience.

John, I'm sure you've taken a decision to take your own risks, I've done the same.

But that doesn't mean that you haven't been running a greater risk than your male partner(s) for 20 years or however long you have been sexually active.

MAP is quite a big dose of hormones for the woman though, four.

I'm hugely late to this party, forgive me, and haven't read the whole thread. I agree that although you've had the C secs, etc, that doesn't mean your husband should feel obliged to do something to his body that he doesn't want to. But still, if he is that worried about risks, pain, complications etc, then I can't help but feel he should be against either one of you doing it, especially as the procedure is more complicated in a woman (I'm aware of the risks to men and I've read the posts by the men who suffered terrible consequences). It feels a bit off to me that he doesn't want to take the risks himself but thinks you should!

I can understand that when you're that certain you don't want any more kids you'd want to eliminate risk and faff, but as people have said, even sterilisation isn't 100% safe. No contraception is. With that in mind, perhaps sterilisation just isn't the right path for you guys at all and you should seek an alternative.

Have you ever looked at the risks of MAP? I took it once after a condom failure and that's when we decided not to rely on condoms anymore and discuss sterilisation.

But that's biological difference- and we win some and lose some- that's how I've always seen it.

It's interesting to re-frame it in the way you have but...

Biological differences also justify the argument that men should never expect a woman to consider PIV too.

Also feminist, I don't think pregnancy is the biological point of sex. Many animals have sex for recreation as well as procreation, and humans are among them. I believe we've also evolved to form relationships or want to (a quick look around humanity would suggest so :) ) and as a means of self expression. People who know they are infertile, who are well past menopause, or well before puberty are still sexually aware with sexual urges. Many people would say their most intense and influential sexual experiences didn't involve PIV (that's certainly true of me). I'm certainly not saying we didn't evolve to reproduce, just that I think our sexual evolution is about more than that alone.

I rather enjoy piv...after the main course

I enjoy PIV sex ..as the main course.

Why don't you both get 'snipped'?! Is that not an option?

Of course pregnancy is the biological point of sex. There are other points, of course. The fact its fun is to make us have it. Just because it doesn't necessarily result in pregnancy does not alter that.

A wise man once told me, "Everything is about sex, except for sex itself, which is usually about something else."

I don't believe human sexual evolution is about procreation only, nor that sexual pleasure exists only to that end. It doesn't square with everything I see around me or my personal experiences. (Usually I hear that from men who want to justify chasing girls half their age :) ) It seems a very narrow understanding of human sexuality. It also doesn't take homosexuality into account.

The idea that I have been taking risks - so that men don't have to - is a really odd one to me and doesn't fit into my experience.

But as the only party for whom it's possible to get pregnant, that's exactly what has been happening. Every time a couple has sex, the female half runs the risk of getting pregnant. Every time. Whether you're consciously aware of that risk, ot not.

The MAP. Another 'great' solution being offered up by Four. One that involves the woman, hauling ass down to the pharmacy each and every time it's needed. And the longer you wait to take it, the less affective it is...

So no thanks, the vasectomy option is still far preferable.

*effective

sheba ok i do see you point, i still wouldn't call pregnancy a side effect of sex.