Who gets the snip?

[feministwithtitsin]

Hi ladies (and gents)

Me and my DH have just had our 2 DC. We are both still relatively young (I am 30, DH is 29). We have both decided that 2 children is enough for us, our family is complete. I want to retrain and focus on my career in a year or so, and, although my DH probably would like more children, we have decided that 2 is enough as we would be better financially, and I would keep my sanity!

I have had 2 caesareans, the first was a nightmare as I had an infection and the recovery time was a nightmare (5 days in hospital, alot of pain etc) the second was textbook.

As we are both young, neither of us would be looking to get the snip for at least another 5 years, just to be 100% sure, as by that time out fertility would have dropped and I think it would be too disruptive to my career, and life in general, to be having a newborn after that.

So for the next 5 years, I will be on some kind of hormone contraceptive, as condoms are too much of a pain.

The question is who should get the snip? I think my DH should as I have had 2 caseareans already and the op itself is easier, he thinks I should because the risks of vascetomies scare him (long term ball pain etc)

So, mumsnet jury! What is your verdict

No, he might within the next five years and then he won't either.

She also doesn't want to be sterilised now - possibly to give her the option of providing said more children that wouldn't be her personal choice but her dh's.

peggy what and not even mention it to him?!

In real life people talk about things don't they?!!! Couples talk about this stuff, and where there are options they consider them.

if OP went off and got sterilised without talking to her DH and there were complications he'd be really upset wouldn't he? Or would that be out of line of him as it's nothing to do with him

And now a suggestion that even referencing it in "what shall we do for our family" equates to applying pressure so shouldn't be done.

Makes me wonder what kind of relationships a lot of people are in!

If DH went off and got the snip without talking about it I'd be really shocked, same as he would be. I mean, it's an operation. People discuss these things with their partners surely.

This thread is getting weird.

So. OP.

A. It should definitely be you that is sterilised
B. You should not talk to your partner about it

Right that's sorted then

Some people are very determined that women take all this on themselves, aren't they, anything to do with reproduction mustn't impact on or effect a man at all. I've read threads on here where men have asked their partners to get sterilised as they don't want more children and they don't like condoms. I've read threads where men have insisted on hormonal contraception or sterilisation for the woman even where hormonal contraception has side effects for her, because they don't like condoms.

Then there's the attitude on here that women get the shitty end of the stick when it comes to reproductive stuff in terms of pain / discomfort / damage / long term disabiltiy & so forth and so they should just get on with this as well.

It is an interesting thread, it really is.

I'm sorry but Essure is normally carried out under a general.

Some women have had keyhole surgery under a local but the feedback is that they experienced a fair degree of discomfort.

I agree whirlpool

I have stated that my DH may want more in the next 5 years, he is not saying he is desperate for more children! NEITHER of us would completely rule this out by sterilisation in this period!

Its bizarre that me expressing my wishes and feelings amount to pressure, if i said i didn't want to express my feelings because he might view it as pressure, im sure people would be saying i wasn't in a healthy relationship!

surgery

That should say insertion.

I know! You just as easily read into what you've said "op he's pressuring you into more children" I just can't see where people have pulled that from their arses

It's my whole point really. When women express their views on family planning they always seemed to be accused of pressuring men yet in practice 99% of the time the entire responsibility for the family planning is expected to fall solely on the woman who is often blamed if she gets pregnant, blamed if she doesn't and blamed if her attempts to not get pregnant (for both partners) result in pain/diminished enjoyment of sex... It's all the woman!

And I do think people have a responsibility first to themselves but that doesn't mean they have no responsibility to their partners - not in terms of having sterilisation forced or prevented but certainly in terms of being involved and open.

My point is that its a decision that should be made within a marriage, not that i should automatically get sterilised.

I agree...yet you automatically expect your dh to get sterilised.

It's not wrong to feel less about a man who jointly decided to end the joint fertility but would not even consider vasectomy. It is OK to feel less about a woman who wouldn't even consider sterilisation too?

name no, i do not automatically expect my DH to have a vascetomy. That is why we are having this conversation 5 years before either of us would have the procedure done. If i automatically thought DH should do it, i would wait 5 years, then just say 'right love, lets book that vascetomy'!

I am not saying that i wouldnt get sterilised, thats why the title of the thread is WHO gets the snip, not DH should get the snip!

Seriously? Talk about reading things that aren't there! Thats some work of fiction!

I think my DH should as I have had 2 caseareans already and the op itself is easier

No, it's her reasoning behind her feelings about what would be best. No more of an expectation than what she said about him thinking she should because he is scared of pain.

No, it is not an expection, it is merely what i think. It doesnt read

'I expect my DH to have a vascetomy because i have had 2 caesareans and the op.itself is easier'

Does it?

I am allowed my thoughts and feelings. That does not amount to an expectation.

OP said

" I think my DH should as I have had 2 caseareans already and the op itself is easier, he thinks I should because the risks of vascetomies scare him (long term ball pain etc)"

So she is being unreasonable and pressuring him and is a total hard bitch with no concern for him or his feelings or health, and as for what he has said... He's being totally reasonable.

Well righty-ho then.

Basically a lot of strangers are telling you that you are unreasonable to ask him, and you should do it, because that's what your DH (who also doesn't want children) would prefer. This is not him being selfish, it is him being reasonable. For you to ask him to consider a vasectomy, is extremely selfish and what kind of a wife are you anyway.

i think that covers it!

Scratch the surface and we haven't really moved on a lot in society with this stuff have we! Agree with Offred Fri 10-Jul-15 11:06:45 on that.

That is true whirlpool.

My DH is unsure about a vascetomy because of the risks, not because he thinks he would regret it from a reproductive point of view.

I understand his concerns, but someone has to take risks. Why is it me by default if we both decide we 100% don't want anymore children?

Mirena IS instantly reversible, in the sense that as soon as its out, you have the potential to become pregnant. You may not, of course, it's just as likely that you'll take the usual x number of cycles to conceive, but there are plenty of women who had it out and conceived successfully within days. I personally know three toddlers who were "crikey I thought it'd take a few months" babies.

A pp said they were one of those marmite things - some love them, some hate them and I'd agree with that. Any method of contraception will be right for some women and anathema to others. It's all about looking into each method, seeing what you personally feel comfortable with and talking it through with your doc and partner.

ANY operation or drug or medical device has risks. There are risks in having a coil inserted, risks in being on the pill, risks involved in tubal ligation and in vasectomy. All you can do is look at the available information and make an informed choice.

This thread has certainly shown that it's an emotive issue. Again, looking at it from a cold, risk point of view, the female carries the higher risk - every pregnancy is a massive potential risk to a women, in terms of possible complications, resource use during pregnancy and resource investment for many years afterwards. Pregnancy carries a small but not insignificant risk of morbidity or mortality. The risks are not the same for males.

Right now all permanent methods for women are still invasive - just because of where our gonads are. Less so for men, although it's still not entirely risk free.

Op, the only advice I can give you is to draw up a big list of options and talk them through with your other half. Knowledge is power and this has to be something you're both comfortable with. however, he needs to understand that the risks to him are lower than the risks to you. The descision needs to be based on relative. Risks, not him being scared of his balls hurting ;)

feminist's DH thinks "he thinks I should because the risks of vascetomies scare him (long term ball pain etc)". Isn't that an expectation by him in the same way as you think she's placing an expectation on him, different? Why does he get to have 'expectations' and she doesn't.

Disclaimer: I don't think either of them are expectations. I think they are an expression of views.

I agree whirlpool

Apparently even talking about a vascetomy is unreasonable! And explaining why i would like him to have one is me presurising and guilting him! Weird!

Skipton it was me with the marmite! A lot of women report not inconsequential side-effects with the Mirena. I was one of them! And then the strings got lost and I had to have a lengthy poke-around up there from a consultant and then in the end they had to remove it under GA! None of this was flagged as a risk when I had it put in Some women get on with them like a house on fire though!

___

I do think there is a history of the medical profession minimising / doing stuff to women / not getting informed consent when it comes to our reproductive stuff which ties into some of the reactions to this. Although as a PP maintains, pain and discomfort and injury are our "lot in life" as women and so we should just put up and shut up! Which TBH most women do, not getting post-birth problems seen to for years, carrying on with painful sex in the hope it will get better, all sorts of stuff.

You've got to weigh up all the pros and cons as a family. We agreed no more DC after two, but have never discussed sterilisation, I've been very happy with the Mirena and will keep my current one until I'm through the menopause and a bit beyond as that is far preferable to either of us having surgery. However that's not right for everyone. I just don't think you can decide 5 years in advance though.

I know that Dixie, but the way your post was worded implied that the procedure was too risky to even really consider it. For most men, the risk, while there, is minimal.

WhoKnows - for me it's a no-brainer the other way, i.e. a quick, in-and-out-in-half-an hour, able to drive how afterwards and have sex the next day procedure. Compared with me using something like Mirena for years ahead.