We're both still married and it's really complicated / stressing me out…

[nappyrat]

I am separated (living apart for some time, but not yet divorced) from my husband and have a DS. I recently met a guy who I really like. He invited me out for a drink, and I was under the impression he was separated, but it became clear during the drink that he wasn't, and I told him that I wasn't interested unless that situation changed.

We kept talking, and went out a few more times, and to be honest, it genuinely seems that he has been waiting for years to separate from his wife. He has now finally done it. Partly I am sure, because he knew we had no future unless he did, but not totally because of this, I think he suddenly saw what life could be by meeting me.

He has 3 children who live with his wife in Los Angeles. He goes back there once a month or so (his job is UK based) to see them for around a week.

This guy has been incredibly honest with me so far, and he has now told his wife he wants to separate. But - and there is a big but here for me - he says he is planning to remain living in the martial home (in a separate, downstairs room, it's a v large house apparently) so that he can maximise his time with his children when he is back visiting them.

So, what is the issue!?!?
He has split up with her, and has no intention of backtracking - I believe this
It is completely understandable that he wants to spend as much time with his kids whilst he is there (and I would think less of a man who didn't want to do this)
But I have a really uncomfortable feeling about this. And I don't know why or how to articulate it or if it is even rational.

I would really appreciate some advice. Pls be kind, I am trying to do the right thing. It's just that the 'right thing' seems extremely complicated. The right thing in my mind is to be completely separated (i.e. moved out) before getting involved, but I can see his argument re. his kids, who he sees little enough of anyway.

...I don't know why you are struggling to put your finger on why this is wrong!...

It's when they take hold of your hand, look into your eyes and say 'My Darling......'

People's right minds go out of the window.

He's not separated. He's a man working abroad, with a wife at home in the family home that he will continue to share with her, and a girlfriend in the country he works in. With the added bonus of neither wife nor girlfriend being likely to bump into each other or having mutual friends.

OP if you believe his story you must be very gullible indeed.

If you want to know whose judgment you can trust, look no further than AnyFucker's.
Please listen to her. Your future self will thank you.

Do you like drama, op,?

Tell him to not contact you until he has told the children & got his own accommodation.

None of this drawn-out, complicated nonsense that's based on a fantasy at mo, rather than a reality. Walk away until you know he is properly available, both physically & emotionally. This could take months.

Even if what this guy is telling you is true - he has been 'separated' a matter of weeks.

Anyone who has been through a break up knows what a volatile time it is. Have I made the right decision? Surely we can make it work? What about the kids? What about our history, everything we have been through together? And all these thoughts and hugely emotional discussions will be going on while they are still living together. How will you be able to handle saying good bye to him every month, knowing he is going back to that?

And that - from your description of the situation - is the best case scenario. That's assuming what he is telling you is actually true, which in itself is highly unlikely. :-(

Yes, yes, Stoic is right! ^^

Your Op is contradictory. You state you weren't interested in seeing a married man yet continued to do so. Despite your protests you WERE ok seeing a married man and you still are.

You , like many women having an affair with a married man have come up with a covert contract. You have made it clear that he is expected to lie and on your part you will PRETEND to believe him. You cannot be that deluded to believe that a married person walks away from a marriage and children because they've met a random stranger a few times in another country.That's just ridiculous.

If you want him to lie he will obviously oblige. You can pretend to believe him if you want but you are still knowingly having an affair with a married man. Claiming to believe his daft lies does not absolve you from any responsibility.

Was another woman the cause of your separation ?

Oh my goodness, my friend has been in this exact situation. I'm even wondering if it's the same person as I thought it was a very unusual scenario, but perhaps it isn't afterall.

What happened to my friend is that she was with the man for years. He would go off to USA and be back in the marital home while there, all the while saying that it was over with his wife, they didn't share a bed etc. She only found out the truth after managing to see his wife's facebook page. It turned out that each time he went back, he was playing happy families, his arm around her, meals with the extended family and whatnot. He denied it to the bitter end but she finished things eventually.

I'd be open to the possibility that he's told her nothing. Like my friends man, it was very convenient to have a woman for him in both countries. I hope this is not the case for you.

I have a friend in a similar situation but with one major difference -- everything is out in the open. So her DP goes back to the family home once a month or so and stays there in a separate room for exactly the reasons you stated ie to be there as much better as possible with the kids.
She can and does when necessary call the home number, the kids and other family have been to the UK and met her as the girlfriend. She has even been there - all be it they stayed in a local hotel that week and picked up/dropped kids... there is 'open' and there is 'too close for comfort'!

It's unusual and I'm not sure it would work for many - my friend, her DP and frankly even his ex/family seem to have worked it out -- so far. Probably helped he was genuinely single for a while under this arrangement before meeting my friend, it didn't start with the new girlfriend (ie you) already lined up.

But you do not have this arrangement. You have being a secret. Maybe it's short term and you will be out in the open. Maybe you won't. It's very early to tell. Maybe you'll be introduce but the 'ex wife' won't accept it. It's a rare person who could.

End of the day you are way too over invested in this working. There are so many unknowns and you yourself are uncomfortable. You may trust him but he is not being honest. That's going to end in tears somewhere along the line.

He has probably told his wife "I love you but I'm not sure this is what I want any more, let's have some time for me to think, of course I'm not moving out, no there's no one else darling".
Then he will stay there feeling no real guilt about you while she tries to win him back (fabulous for him) and you are exciting and new (also fabulous for him).

She might win him, eventually, they have a shared history, they are a family (the lucky woman!) that's why you feel uncomfortable.

You are kidding yourself.

Someone else pointed this out already, but unfortunately it is what strikes me. Even assuming that everything he says is true, where is this relationship going to go? With his children some 10,000 kilometres away and you and your DS in the UK.

Oh lord op. Wake up and smell the coffee.

He is lying to you.

Try and think...if it walks like a duck, looks like a duck, and goes "quack quack " it's very likely it's a duck

You know he's prepared to date you while still married, you know he's been less than honest with his wife (even if you believe he's even split with her) by not telling her about you, and you know he has every chance of never being caught out because of the distance. Seems pretty duck-like to me!
I speak from direct experience of dealing with a man working away and leading a complete double life. I "believed" him too. When he lied to me.

I could go on but I suspect you don't want to listen

You are way too emotionally involved in this new relationship and likely haven't properly processed your last one, which is probably why.

He may be truthful, he may not be. You just can't have a reliable gut instinct about someone you barely know even if you do share a friend. But that is really not all that relevant.

He's pushing your boundaries. You were, by your own admission vulnerable, he pushed for a date knowing he was married. You found out he was married and attempted to assert your boundaries, he then pushed them back/or you allowed them to fall.

The last thing a vulnerable person needs is a relationship that starts off as an affair with dodgy boundaries. I'm sure it feels like a great love affair right now but it is already tinged with an air of tragedy and I just can't see at all how it would possibly end up happy.

He needs to stop fainting about with OW and sort out the end of his marriage and the arrangements with his kids and you need to focus on recovering from your last relationship so your boundaries do not fall so easily.

You're letting him confuse you, OP. You keep saying it's so complicated when it's actually quite simple. Just finish it with this man and explain that you can't be with him until he's moved out of the family home. You don't need to articulate why that is rational. You just need to explain that those are your non negotiable boundaries.

Him flying backwards and forwards isn't sustainable long term, unless he's been doing it for years. I presume he works whilst in LA so doing the school run and pick up might not slot in nicely. He seems to have a lot of freedom in his job. he works for himself I guess, to be able to predict the future ability to travel? And keep the world turning round him.

If he plans a divorce, it's unlikely he will be staying in the matrimonial home.

I can see the logic of him being in the house. This is the solution of a man who only sees what works best for him. The kids might think it odd, and the atmosphere would be dreadful. Who is doing his washing and food shopping. LA will be full of serviced apartments/ hotels he can rent weekly and get up early - see DC , they might not want him to put them to bed anyway, he's not there much is he? They sound quite young and it will be a mess for sure. It's not sustainable anyway- DC get older and their lives change.

Where does he stay in the UK? Have you seen it? Is he really going to LA once a month?

I think you know quite well he's lying to you. But you're ignoring that and allowing yourself to believe the fantasy.

You're in denial.

His wife thinks her husband is just working away , but she didn't come too, so as not to uproot the children. He is just doing what a lot of 'working away' men do - finding someone local to make him comfortable at the work location.

Yes, this is what I thought too. One week a month back home 'to see his kids'? Bollocks. He's working away and his family are back home, oblivious to him setting himself up with someone to shag for the three weeks he's not at home.

OP you're vulnerable (by your own admission), don't trust your judgement (otherwise what are you doing on here asking for random strangers' advice?), and being taken for a ride. There is a reason why 95% of the advice on here is that he's not being honest with you. Just believing something (in this case, his 'story'), does not make it so.

So we spoke at length last night, and I told him how I felt. He said he completely got it, that he understood.

In return, he explained that he could never proactively opt for an option (i.e. moving out) that would mean he would see less of his kids.

I asked him how long he thought he would stay living under the same roof whilst separated, and he basically came back to the fact that he could not bear for his kids to feel that he had proactively chosen to see less of them by moving out, when he had the option to stay living them on his week back.

And the thing is, I get this. I have greater respect for him for doing this.

He explained there is a journey for him to go through, and he is committed to this journey, regardless of whether I am there or not. But he cannot rush the process of moving out because of the above. He knows it will come to an end at some point.

But I explained that my boundaries are set, too.

So we are left in this horrible situation where I know he is doing the right thing for him, and he knows I am doing the right thing for me. And it doesn't appear possible to bridge these things.

I asked him to think of an alternative.

Please base your responses on the above being fact. It is not helpful to me to have people constantly questioning what is true / not. I know what is true.

Yuck - I would dump him for using the word journey alone.

He won't divorce his wife or move out because they are still together, and you are so deluded that he wants you and not her that you are swallowing his lies!

Where is your self respect? Because I suggest you go and find it. And if you believe his story then I suggest you speak to his wife. And you need to go and find your boundaries, let alone set them.

Do the right thing for his wife. Walk away from the married man.

Guys, please accept that he has told her they have separated. It is over.

As suspected, he's not going to leave his wife. So, it's your choice OW or not?

It would all be too complicated and messy, nappy, even if it's all true. You and your DS don't need it.

So, what he's saying is that actually he's not prepared to move out, or tell his wife he has someone else or tell the children and will continue to live there as before.

Effectively, apart from the sexual aspect, they are still living together then.

I think you are right to draw your own boundaries.

He's drawn his, he's not prepared to move on right now to be fully with you.

If it were all about the children, I would sympathise, but he knows that basically when the truth gets out (about meeting you) he's going to get thrown out and the children will be devastated.

His wife has only agreed to this because she doesn't know about you! And is still clinging to the hope if they act like a family, they will still be a family.

What a mess, he doesn't sound tempting or honourable at all, he sounds like he can't face up to what he's actually doing, which is leaving the marriage, and so has created this half-way house in which half the people are living in ignorance.

Honestly, the more you write, the more it seems cringeworthy this stuff comes out of his mouth, but you do seem convinced by it. So- go ahead, I think the chances of a happy ever after with a player like this are very low.

He's full of it isn't he?

You don't know what is true op

You know what you want to believe.

But let's say it's all true eh? . He won't move out. You won't be with him if he won't move out. So you're done. It's over. Walk away. Wish each other well and move on.

Unless, as a previous poster said, you're happy to have yet another line in the sand pissed all over like the last one

Honestly op there are loads of decent blokes out there without having to wade through all this bullshit