We're both still married and it's really complicated / stressing me out…

[nappyrat]

I am separated (living apart for some time, but not yet divorced) from my husband and have a DS. I recently met a guy who I really like. He invited me out for a drink, and I was under the impression he was separated, but it became clear during the drink that he wasn't, and I told him that I wasn't interested unless that situation changed.

We kept talking, and went out a few more times, and to be honest, it genuinely seems that he has been waiting for years to separate from his wife. He has now finally done it. Partly I am sure, because he knew we had no future unless he did, but not totally because of this, I think he suddenly saw what life could be by meeting me.

He has 3 children who live with his wife in Los Angeles. He goes back there once a month or so (his job is UK based) to see them for around a week.

This guy has been incredibly honest with me so far, and he has now told his wife he wants to separate. But - and there is a big but here for me - he says he is planning to remain living in the martial home (in a separate, downstairs room, it's a v large house apparently) so that he can maximise his time with his children when he is back visiting them.

So, what is the issue!?!?
He has split up with her, and has no intention of backtracking - I believe this
It is completely understandable that he wants to spend as much time with his kids whilst he is there (and I would think less of a man who didn't want to do this)
But I have a really uncomfortable feeling about this. And I don't know why or how to articulate it or if it is even rational.

I would really appreciate some advice. Pls be kind, I am trying to do the right thing. It's just that the 'right thing' seems extremely complicated. The right thing in my mind is to be completely separated (i.e. moved out) before getting involved, but I can see his argument re. his kids, who he sees little enough of anyway.

Sort it out!

As well as ignoring him, you should try to keep busy. Now is the time to apply for new jobs or go out every night. Whatever will enhance your pleasure and diminish his importance in your life.

Nappy, I have been there, and I can understand what it feels like. At the time I thought that if he was unhappy in his relationship then he would find his way out. I never once asked him to leave, and I never asked him to live with me. As time went on I could see that he is one of those people who sits on the fence. Also a very controlling and manipulative person.
Now I see how cruel it is that a married person put me in that position in the first place. In this type of relationship you will never get to know his personality. In normal relationships, you get to meet his family, see him in different situations etc. As a mistress you are kept constantly in the dark. It is like a mental prison. This is what is difficult to see at the time. It really is a horrible way to live. If you were in his shoes would you behave like him? If you care for someone you would not ask them to have a relationship, you would get your own house in order first wouldn't you?
Really think about it. Make the no contact rule, and start focussing on your life, and your child's life, you are worth it.

But I have a really uncomfortable feeling about this

Listen to your gut feeling

Block him! Think of his wife and kids rather than him or you!!!! Remember what he is - a cheat and a liar, why on earth would you want that?

When you say it isn't that easy you're just making excuses to yourself OP and no one here buys it.

Lots of things in life are difficult, that doesn't mean they're insurmountable, even less so if you make a proper effort. You just have to go about it systematically.

Hi Nappy, I've just read the full thread. You say you don't want to end up screwed up like his ex-wife but you're going to make yourself more miserable and screwed up if you allow this relationship to continue.

In the UK, it would be possible for a father to have access to his children for days adding up to at least a full week each month. It's not necessary to stay in a marriage if that's the level of contact you wish to maintain. I smelt a rat right there - it can't be that different elsewhere.

You are having trouble squaring up the idea that he's a bad guy with all the vulnerable, winsome qualities you have experienced, even though you know that he's not really a good enough guy to spend the rest of your life with. There are lots of people with vulnerabilities and good qualities who are still so damaged or self-absorbed that they will consistently choose not to treat you with completely honesty and respect. You have to let those ones go. There is no happy ending with them and if they've got under your skin, you have to cut contact completely. Please believe me...I found myself tumbling into a sudden depressive episode about ten years ago after a guy I was in love with (hadn't worked out) called 'for a chat' when I desperately needed to learn to live without him. It puts yourself under incredible strain and stops life in the present filling up with good, emotionally engaged stuff.

There are also lots of threads featuring women who have lingering contact with men they basically know are no good, encouraging posters to remind them why they shouldn't and then going and doing it anyway. It's not a good look...not cool.

I should add that some people I really respected encouraged me to keep having dialogue with that person...looking back, it was appalling advice.

I think you're going to do it anyway aren't you nappy? You are feeling the inexorable pull towards self destruct mode, and nothing we can say will change that.

I'm waiting for the low-esteem-siren-song of 'But if he doesn't really really like me, why does he keep phoning?'

Because he thinks he's some exotic dreamboat that OP can't resist..?

Everyone is wasting their time here...OP isn't going to cut contact for a moment.

Thanks guys, for bothering to post.

I'm going to go offline for a bit to try & get my head straight.

Thanks again x Appreciate you all taking the time.

Nappy you have one mutual friend, no kids, no history together, no shared life. It can't be impossible to go nc if you want to. And trust me, I know this from bitter experience

I suspect you've left the thread because you have no intention of ending this "relationship " and the advice here is not what you want to hear

It'll end in tears. Yours and the wife's. Sorry that's not gentle but there you go. It's the truth

This thread's really saddening.

When I think of how devastated my friends were when they discovered their respective DH's affairs, I imagined that the OWs involved either didn't know these men were married or were sucked in because they were naive and not in receipt of good advice.

The thought that someone could knowingly get herself into this situation, and do this to another family, is terrible.

The only thing that gives me comfort is the statistics involved : if you look up the percentage of men who leave their wives for the OW, it's tiny. And if they do leave, the percentage of those relationships that survive is similarly small.

OP, you are likely to live a miserable dissatisfied half life and eventually get dumped anyway, sadly no less than you deserve.

Now is a good time to assess your situation, and think about how this has come about.
Unfortunately, there are many married vampires out there who like causing havoc. My one told me that two of his married friends have mistresses. Seemingly, he thought there is no harm in having a mistress.
I had to go to the Police, because he harassed me, I think the Laws on harassment have improved now.
I am so pleased I do not have to see him now. Should I do so, I might say to him this quote: -

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people
some of the time, but you can not fool all of the people all of the time.