We're both still married and it's really complicated / stressing me out…

[nappyrat]

I am separated (living apart for some time, but not yet divorced) from my husband and have a DS. I recently met a guy who I really like. He invited me out for a drink, and I was under the impression he was separated, but it became clear during the drink that he wasn't, and I told him that I wasn't interested unless that situation changed.

We kept talking, and went out a few more times, and to be honest, it genuinely seems that he has been waiting for years to separate from his wife. He has now finally done it. Partly I am sure, because he knew we had no future unless he did, but not totally because of this, I think he suddenly saw what life could be by meeting me.

He has 3 children who live with his wife in Los Angeles. He goes back there once a month or so (his job is UK based) to see them for around a week.

This guy has been incredibly honest with me so far, and he has now told his wife he wants to separate. But - and there is a big but here for me - he says he is planning to remain living in the martial home (in a separate, downstairs room, it's a v large house apparently) so that he can maximise his time with his children when he is back visiting them.

So, what is the issue!?!?
He has split up with her, and has no intention of backtracking - I believe this
It is completely understandable that he wants to spend as much time with his kids whilst he is there (and I would think less of a man who didn't want to do this)
But I have a really uncomfortable feeling about this. And I don't know why or how to articulate it or if it is even rational.

I would really appreciate some advice. Pls be kind, I am trying to do the right thing. It's just that the 'right thing' seems extremely complicated. The right thing in my mind is to be completely separated (i.e. moved out) before getting involved, but I can see his argument re. his kids, who he sees little enough of anyway.

[MamanOfThree]

I'm afraid that if he is getting divorced and still want to see the dcs on a regular basis, he will have to buy/rent a house somewhere close to where they live. That way, he will be able to have them at his house whilst they go to scholl etc...

In a way, even though he has been living in the UK and she was the US, they were still 'together' in the eyes on everyone else.

He needs to move on and get organised.

I would wait until he has found his feet again and has some sort of organisation in place. Otherwise, you will get hurt.

[TeenageMutantNinjaTurtle]

This seems pretty simple to me. You are not comfortable with the idea of being in a relationship with him whilst he is still living in the martial home one week a month. You tell him that - you don't need to articulate why - the fact you feel like that is enough.

That's your bit done. Then you step back and wait for him to work out what he actual wants.

What he does next will tell you everything you need to know.

[cozietoesie]

Did he marry in Los Angeles as well as living there? That's a community property state isn't it? (I'm not a US MNer.)

[AuntyMag10]

It's coming across that you have finally found someone who you and your ds likes and trying to make this work no matter what. What you might not be seeing is that you shouldn't be settling based on this. His situations presents far more issues especially as you get more involved that

[AuntyMag10]

And are you really up for all of that.

[Fatstacks]

This sounds more about you being in a vulnerable place than him being a liar.

It sounds like you just want it to be true.

There are men who string this shit to a series of vulnerable women, they home in and take thepiss.

If he's worth it he's worth a wait.

Wanting to be in a relationship doesn't mean you should sacrifice anything, especially your scruples, to be in one.

[Anon4Now2015]

I also don't believe that he ahs told his wife anything. Not for a minute.

His life hasn't changed at all since the "separation" has it? Do you really think he went back to his wife and "hi honey. I'm leaving you and I've met someone else" and she said "Oh really? I'm not surprised. Why don't you carry on living here just like you used to. I don't mind that."

I agree with AnyFucker. Get contact details for his wife and ask her for her side. If he really has separated from her and she really is ok enough about that to allow him to still live in her home, then she will also have no objection to confirming that with you. If he refuses to give you the contact details then he's clearly hiding something - though I'm sure he'll have some sort of excuse ready for you that he will convince you is believable.

[murphys]

OP can i ask why you continued to see him after you found out that he was married and not yet separated. We kept talking, and went out a few more times

And then what you wrote here is worrying:

I have been in a really low place the last year

He makes you feel good and tells you what you want to hear. I really think you need to take a step back Nappyrat. I know i don't know the ins and outs of the relationship, but from the point of view of an outsider and from what you have posted here, I am worried that you are going to get hurt again.

[Everythinghaschanged]

If by any chance he is telling the truth that they have now separated, I can see why he wouldn't move out
If he could stay in the family home. He's not going to rent a place for a week a month is he?

Having said that, I wouldn't trust him whatsoever.

[AnyFucker]

just because some words come out of his mouth does not make them the truth

[nappyrat]

TeenageMutantNinjaTurtle - That is really good advice. Thanks. Hadn't thought of that. Thanks. I guess the only reason I haven't had the balls to do this is that I feel like saying this would mean he has to choose between me and the best arrangement for spending time with his kids, which I just do not want to do. It is such a horrible ultimatum to give him / anyone.

??

[nappyrat]

Fastacks - that makes a lot of sense. :( I think I need to explain to him that I feel uncomfortable about the situation still. And that I am not asking him to do anything / demanding anything. But that is where I am, and then let him speak

[cozietoesie]

nappyrat

Your version of the situation veers between 'it seems' to ' I believe' to 'I 'know'.

How do you know what his situation is across there? From what you have said, you have no means of independent verification at the moment.

[nappyrat]

AF - I do realise this! ;) And I am majorly sceptical, trust me. I am a big cynic! ;) Can't tell you any more than, I believe him!

[nappyrat]

cozietoesie - nope, I have no independent verification, and won't be able to get this. I have to go on gut and trust. And those things affirm to me he has told her they are separating. I trust my gut on this. But just don't know how to articulate my discomfort on what to do next...

[cozietoesie]

nappy

I'm afraid that this board is littered with posters and readers who have gone with their gut instinct and been kicked in the face for it.

[PeppermintPasty]

Fatstacks is right. You seem to be letting your wish for him to be a good match for you cloud your judgment. You sound vulnerable.

Plus I smell bs with all this 'getting up in the morning/bedtime with the kids' lark. I just don't buy it. Don't sell yourself short.

In terms of rationality, and how to phrase it, simply tell him you are not going to be in a relationship with anyone who hasn't physically or emotionally separated from his wife.

If he really is the one for you, he will deal with the practicalities of separating, in order to be with you. If he doesn't, you've got your answer.
He can still be a good dad living elsewhere.

Is it romantic? I mean, do you feel it is a romantic situation, with him being in another country and you desiring him and missing him? I would worry that the situation is romanticised in your head, and that is meant kindly.

[nappyrat]

Anon4Now2015 - no, I guess not much has changed for him since the separation…no, he didn't say "hi honey. I'm leaving you and I've met someone else" and she said "Oh really? I'm not surprised. Why don't you carry on living here just like you used to. I don't mind that."

he told her he wanted to separate, and not sleep with her, asked her if she'd prefer it if he moved out, she said no (because I think she hopes he will change his mind). He does not (understandably, because a) there is not much to tell, and b) because it would be bloody hurtful plan to tell her about me for now.

I cannot realistically speak to his wife, just inappropriate. I have to leave them to it. I have no place doing that. And yes, I would further down the line be very happy to meet her etc, but bad timing right now, no!?

[PeppermintPasty]

He is not telling her about you now, or ever, I would bet my house on it

[MoustacheofRonSwanson]

This guy is in all likelihood spinning you a line. He knows you are in a low place, he knows you don't stick to your word (you continued to see him even though you said you weren't interested in a married man).

He will either never leave his wife, or if he does, he will at some point leave you in a similarly fluid "don't close one account til you open another that pays a higher rate of interest"fashion.

But you know what? I reckon you and he deserve one another...because for all he is happy either to cheat on or leave his wife in a snaky way, you are happy to be the other woman or the home wrecker. You're just payign lipservice to asking the right questions/giving ultimatums because you don;t want to be seen like that.

The only piece of advice you have seized on is the one that is about giving another ultimatum...although you fret a little it will seem so nasty that you are telling him he can't live with his kids...

Pff.

[AnyFucker]

how much have you invested in this man who has a whole life separate to you in a different country ?

you've no doubt seen the sad threads on MN where women have been strung along for years with the promise I will leave my wife when the time is right/kids leave school/she stops threatening to take kids off me/kill herself blah blah blah

your situation is no different and that is why you feel uncomfortable with it

has he met your son ?

[nappyrat]

PeppermintPasty - no, I'd rather he wasn't in another country. I think over time, he will realise that this can;t go on. I am pretty sure he will come to this conclusion on his own, he is not daft. I think he is just scared and trying to do the best by his children and wanting to see them, and also do things gradually to keep things as good as possible with his wife.

I think - although it will pain me not to give ultimatums here - if I can be patient and let him come to his own conclusion (whilst making it clear I can't commit any more with the situation the way it is at the moment), it will be best. I think he (and no doubt she) is hurting right now, and the last thing he needs is me reading out ultimatums down the phone.

[MadameJulienBaptiste]

Who is paying for these long haul flights once a month?
And how would her get one week in four off to go home.
It's his work isn't it?
His wife thinks her husband is just working away , but she didn't come too, so as not to uproot the children. He is just doing what a lot of 'working away' men do - finding someone local to make him comfortable at the work location.
He will spin you any line to get you in line, then dump you when the job is over.
I saw it soon many times when I was a finance manager for construction companies. Some men genuinely want to just work to make money for their families while some just lead a double life.
You are vulnerable and believing every word he says. You are worth more than this.

[Everythinghaschanged]

So he 'genuinely' wanted to separate for years from his wife...but didn't. He waited till he met someone else. I don't think much of him for that.