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Original poster

We're both still married and it's really complicated / stressing me out…

367 replies

nappyrat · 07/07/2015 15:26

I am separated (living apart for some time, but not yet divorced) from my husband and have a DS. I recently met a guy who I really like. He invited me out for a drink, and I was under the impression he was separated, but it became clear during the drink that he wasn't, and I told him that I wasn't interested unless that situation changed.

We kept talking, and went out a few more times, and to be honest, it genuinely seems that he has been waiting for years to separate from his wife. He has now finally done it. Partly I am sure, because he knew we had no future unless he did, but not totally because of this, I think he suddenly saw what life could be by meeting me.

He has 3 children who live with his wife in Los Angeles. He goes back there once a month or so (his job is UK based) to see them for around a week.

This guy has been incredibly honest with me so far, and he has now told his wife he wants to separate. But - and there is a big but here for me - he says he is planning to remain living in the martial home (in a separate, downstairs room, it's a v large house apparently) so that he can maximise his time with his children when he is back visiting them.

So, what is the issue!?!?
He has split up with her, and has no intention of backtracking - I believe this
It is completely understandable that he wants to spend as much time with his kids whilst he is there (and I would think less of a man who didn't want to do this)
But I have a really uncomfortable feeling about this. And I don't know why or how to articulate it or if it is even rational.

I would really appreciate some advice. Pls be kind, I am trying to do the right thing. It's just that the 'right thing' seems extremely complicated. The right thing in my mind is to be completely separated (i.e. moved out) before getting involved, but I can see his argument re. his kids, who he sees little enough of anyway.

OP posts:
Thenapoleonofcrime · 08/07/2015 09:01

And- if he went back to his wife with the truth, the truth being, we are totally separated, there's no chance of us getting back together, and while I'm working away in the UK, I'm together with another woman who I started seeing when we were still together...what's the chances that she would be totally happy and cool about him staying for that one week? None at all, she would kick his sorry ass to the kerb.

Even if we all believe they are truly separated, he is still lying to her about how he lives his life and what he believes the future contains (you). Everything he has right now is conditional on this lie!

If he was proposing he live separated in his wife's house to see his kids, she knows, you know, you could still be his girlfriend and call him during that time, but it would be great for the kids, now that would be a very mature adult solution, however that's not on the table, is it?!

There's no honesty in this situation, which is why you feel mighty uncomfortable with it, and your antenna is not wrong.

Original poster
nappyrat · 08/07/2015 09:02

Thenapoleonofcrime - yep, pretty much!

Pretty sure I have reached my decision in my own head, I am just taking the coward's way out and waiting for him to tell me it can;t work. I know it can;t.

Which he has just done. He told me he couldn't deal with it, needed some head space and needed to say goodbye to me, which he just did.

And I feel an overwhelming sense of sadness. And relief.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 08/07/2015 09:05

...I think the chances of a happy ever after with a player like this are very low...

Separate your mind from the current and look towards the future. At the moment, it could well all currently be very exciting - fevered phone calls, restaurant meals or exciting a deux taste treats from the delicatessen, crystal wine glasses, flowers etc etc etc.

A happy ever after is not nearly so on the surface glamorous. Is this the kind of man who is going to get up at 4 in the morning to wash down cat piss? Even if it's all true, it doesn't sound like it.

cozietoesie · 08/07/2015 09:06

That relief is your instinct telling you that the right thing has happened. Good luck for the next short while.

Original poster
nappyrat · 08/07/2015 09:07

Thanks cozie x

OP posts:
Original poster
nappyrat · 08/07/2015 09:09

Ironic that he ended up ending it rather than me, don't you think!?

Really wish I had had the strength to be the one to end it.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 08/07/2015 09:11

Good. I'm pleased -for your sake long term- that he's said that.

It'll sting like a fucker for a while but you'll soon be glad you walked way (make sure you stay walked away eh?)

Be under no illusions, he'll be on the look out for another vulnerable woman whose boundaries he can wear away

Hoppinggreen · 08/07/2015 09:12

Well effectively you didn't because you told him that the half a relationship crap wasn't working for you so he's decided to go and look for someone who will accept sharing him with his wife.

AuntyMag10 · 08/07/2015 09:12

Nappy he has answered all the concerns you had in your mind. It is the right thing for both of you to walk away right now. Take some time out for yourself, think about what you want in a partner and what you deserve because you deserve more than being caught up in a situation like this. Good luck.

tumbletumble · 08/07/2015 09:14

He says he could not bear for his kids to feel that he had proactively chosen to see less of them by moving out but anyone who splits up from the other parent of their DC will, almost inevitably, see less of their DC than if they had stayed in a relationship with the other parent. That's the sad reality of the leaving decision. That's why you see lots of posts on here about people who are 'staying together for the sake of the kids'. You can argue about whether that's best for the kids, or whether a clean break is better in the longer term (not everyone will agree on the right answer), but what you can't argue about is that splitting up means living apart and seeing less of your DC (except perhaps for financial reasons in the very short term - it doesn't sound like that's the case here). That's just how it works!

Sorry OP, I can't think of a compromise.

Original poster
nappyrat · 08/07/2015 09:14

BitOutOf - I know it makes it easier to stereotype and generally 'man bash' him, but sadly (I wish he did right now!) he doesn't fall into the classic stereotype.

:(

OP posts:
tumbletumble · 08/07/2015 09:15

Oh sorry - x post. But honestly OP, there wasn't another answer.

Flowers for you

Norest · 08/07/2015 09:15

No it is not ironic. It feeds into his 'noble, tragic, on my speshul journey' bullshit.

You are well out of it, the dude is a head-fucker and I wouldn't be surprised is he ended it because you were asking too many questions and getting a little too close to the truth.

Is probably curently shitting himself you are going to track his wife down.

TheFormidableMrsC · 08/07/2015 09:17

What answersonapostcard said....

He's having what is known as his cake and eating it.....

murphys · 08/07/2015 09:17

He told me he couldn't deal with it, needed some head space and needed to say goodbye to me, which he just did.

Nappyrat. Do you think this is in response to you asking him to consider an alternative?

Did he tell you that last night too, or was it this morning after your discussion last night?

I think it is for the best Nappy. Good luck moving forward from this Flowers

Original poster
nappyrat · 08/07/2015 09:21

tumbletumble - I think he just feels he made one choice (in his view, necessary) to see less of his kids (although not necessarily a dead cert as if things stay friendly, he may see them just as much), but the moving out choice would be unnecessary in his view...which is where our opinions differ.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 08/07/2015 09:22

Nappyrat they never do! If they did no woman would ever fall for it! Don't you see that!

My exDP of 5 years wasn't "the type" either. He was a devoted parter and family man. Yet he still lived a double life for a year living with another woman while working away!

This board is crowded with women who have known their OHs for many years longer than you've known your bf, who know in their bones that their oh isn't "the type" but who are reeling form finding out lie upon lie upon lie!

The whole bloody point is that "these men" are utterly plausible and believable and nice and charming and funny and not at all likely to dupe you - on the surface

Original poster
nappyrat · 08/07/2015 09:24

Murphys -
partly, but alos partly because he had a meal with some fmaily after we spoke last ngith who gave him a hard time and told him to make it work with wife. He told them it's not going to happen, but it left him feeling super super sh*t and he just needed me to support him, which I wasn't in a position to do given our discussion last night, so he said in that case he had to say goodbye cos he needed 'me out of his head'. The goodbye was just this morning.

OP posts:
Original poster
nappyrat · 08/07/2015 09:25

The hardest thing of all is that our mutul friend thinks he's great, amazing, straight up guy. x

OP posts:
Lovingfreedom · 08/07/2015 09:26

Aye right...it's a shame for him...

BitOutOfPractice · 08/07/2015 09:27

And I know you'll think "God she's projecting" I can tell you that amongst men (and women to be fair) that work away from home, this kind of double life is depressingly common. I'd say of the people I know who work away for long periods, (and I know a lot because of the circles my exDP moved in) 70% are playing away as well as working away.

All of them "happily married" at home.

It's depressing, but it's true.

MamanOfThree · 08/07/2015 09:31

He is taking you for a ride.

In the US, a 50/50 organisation after a divorce is the norm. He could easily have a flat near where his 'ex' lives and see his dcs for a week once a month as he has done until now.
The fact he doesn't want to even cnsider any other possibilities, that DO exist, so that he is actually separated but still can see his dcs, says A LOT.

I'm really sorry. It seems that he is able to live a double life AND convince everyone he is a great man. He is not just lying to you but to everyone else too :(

Original poster
nappyrat · 08/07/2015 09:33

Sorry Maman, it's not that simple. There is good about him. It's not that clear cut.

When is life ever that clear cut?!

OP posts:
Senada · 08/07/2015 09:36

He'll probably be back, OP. You see, he thinks that although you're upset it's over, deep down you'll be impressed that he's a decent enough bloke to end this. Morals. Noble, as a PP pointed out.
He's also probably shit scared that you're "making demands" (translate to "asking reasonable questions about his intentions"). So maybe that's scared him enough to completely back off.
But I suspect he'll be back, all noble and so terribly torn between you and his kids and imploring you to understand what an awful situation he's in...

PeppermintPasty · 08/07/2015 09:39

Keep away from him. He only finished it this way because he knows you're on to him. He has suddenly found that you're not as willing to toe the line as he first thought, not as biddable. He may well have good in him, not all abusive twats are abusive twats all the time.

Lucky escape for you, I think, if you stay away from him and don't get sucked back in to his little drama, his journey. Sheesh!