We're both still married and it's really complicated / stressing me out…

[nappyrat]

I am separated (living apart for some time, but not yet divorced) from my husband and have a DS. I recently met a guy who I really like. He invited me out for a drink, and I was under the impression he was separated, but it became clear during the drink that he wasn't, and I told him that I wasn't interested unless that situation changed.

We kept talking, and went out a few more times, and to be honest, it genuinely seems that he has been waiting for years to separate from his wife. He has now finally done it. Partly I am sure, because he knew we had no future unless he did, but not totally because of this, I think he suddenly saw what life could be by meeting me.

He has 3 children who live with his wife in Los Angeles. He goes back there once a month or so (his job is UK based) to see them for around a week.

This guy has been incredibly honest with me so far, and he has now told his wife he wants to separate. But - and there is a big but here for me - he says he is planning to remain living in the martial home (in a separate, downstairs room, it's a v large house apparently) so that he can maximise his time with his children when he is back visiting them.

So, what is the issue!?!?
He has split up with her, and has no intention of backtracking - I believe this
It is completely understandable that he wants to spend as much time with his kids whilst he is there (and I would think less of a man who didn't want to do this)
But I have a really uncomfortable feeling about this. And I don't know why or how to articulate it or if it is even rational.

I would really appreciate some advice. Pls be kind, I am trying to do the right thing. It's just that the 'right thing' seems extremely complicated. The right thing in my mind is to be completely separated (i.e. moved out) before getting involved, but I can see his argument re. his kids, who he sees little enough of anyway.

Even if his DW knows, will you be comfortable during the 1 week of the month, when he's staying in the marital home, with her? Knowing she hopes for a reconciliation? You are fooling yourself OP.

Nappyrat, not a thing has changed for him, but here you are posting on a board for advice, as deep down you know something is not right. You wouldn't have posted here otherwise.

Easy for me to say I know, I said it upthread and from reading your latest posts, I feel like i need to shout it out now.... Take a step back... let him sort this out, and then re-start your relationship up. You have to look after yourself right now, you already admit that you have had a hard time and are a bit vulnerable...

So he tried to hook up with you while he was married?

If you think he has split - ask for electronic proof at least, email confirming some details etc

Imo you are no more than a mistress at the moment.

When he wants to change jobs etc then I'm supposing he will want to move back to LA? (Since he loves his DC so much) Are you happy about moving there?

It's just lust at the moment between you.

Your gut is shouting at you. Ignore it at your peril.......

AF - he has told his wife he wants to separate. He has not told her about me (not that there is much to tell TBH). She was not that surprised. And yes, I was not a witness to this, but I do believe him. And I can't say anymore than that.

Unless you actually heard the words come out of his mouth, how can you possibly know that he's telling the truth?
Oh he told you so, therefore it MUST be true?

OP you are being incredibly naive here, sorry to say.
He's working a LONG way from home.
Ahile the cat's away.........
As simple as that.

He's away from wifey and fancies a fling on the side. He probably thinks that because of the vast geographical distances involved, there is very little chance of her ever finding out. And because you are so trusting, there is very little chance that you will find out either.

You should get her phone number (off his phone when he isn't looking) and have a little chat with The Wife Who Doesn't Understand Me like you do.

It could be quite illuminating.

You don't need an ultimatum.

Look me up when you are single.

That's all, and don't sit waiting for it either.

Deep breath and start a list of things that are mandatory for next time, start with your own divorce love you will feel better for it.

MadameJulienBaptiste - thanks for saying I;m worth more than this. if it were true, i would agree. I have come out of a difficult relationship and am more clear than ever about what i will and won't put up with, which is why i am struggling with this so much. I wish it were a cliche in some ways, it would make it easier because I'm not up for crappy cliches. But it's not.

You are not comfortable with the idea of being in a relationship with him whilst he is still living in the martial home one week a month.

And he will say "OK, not a problem" and will miraculously "move out into an apartment" which you will trust him on because of "gut instinct" and yet have no way of verifying.

My trust and gut instinct told me my XH was working late at the office on an important project and going on business trips.

if he has wanted to leave his wife "for some time" I wonder if he has had any more of these "one in every port" relationships

and told them the same fairy story he is telling you

How did you meet him ? Can anyone verify any of his background or are you reliant purely on his word for everything ?

If he goes back every month or so for a week why don't you take a holiday over there with him and you can see for yourself.

AF - we have a mutual friend who I believe totally. And everything is verified with them. EVerythign stacks up.

I think your gut instinct is way off on this one sorry.

You KNOW he's a liar and a cheat. You BELIEVE he's not lying to you.

He can say/make up any lie he wants to and none of it necessarily has to be true. Because in his eyes, you are too far away from the situation to be able to verify it.
There is no proof that anything he says is true, is there?

Every other thread on here is from a woman who believed what she was being told and lived to regret it.

If he is still in the marital home his wife either thinks everything is fine, or she thinks they're having a tough time but will work through it.

You are being incredibly gullible and believing the script fed to every OW ever.

If you are meant to be together, tell him you can't see him until he has ended things with his wife, told her about you and moved out. He'll be able to make that happen within weeks and then you've got the rest of your lives together.

But my guess is that he won't, because you're not worth giving up his whole life for, you're just his bit on the side.

And don't kid yourself you're doing the right thing - at best he's lining someone else up before leaving his wife, and at worst you're the ow, aiding and abetting the suffering of another woman. Either way you could've stopped but didn't because, fundamentally, you want him more than you want to do the right thing.

What I am trying to articulate is:

What does it mean to be single?

In my book - not necessarily divorce, but certainly emotionally and physically separate lives

But - and please go with me a moment here, leave the specifics of my situation out of it - if someone genuinely is emotionally separated from their ex, and the ex accepts that, but they share a house (no intimacy, no sex, separate beds) a few days a month (possibly less) for the sake of the kids, what is wrong with that?? I hate it, I don't like it, but I AM TRYING TO ARTICULATE WHAT IS WRONG WITH IT! ;) sorry for shout caps, but this is the crux of what I can;t answer myself!

Thank you girls, I really appreciate you taking the time. This is a grt help.

Op let me offer you another perspective.

Let's say that he has indeed separated from his wife and is currently still living in the family home, how appropriate do you feel that it is that he is coming to you, to have sex with you, and then go back to the family home to his children who at the moment believe that their parents are still a family?

Even if he is no longer with his wife in marital terms, to his children, he still lives there, and as such you would be the other woman should they find out about you, regardless of his current relationship situation with his wife. The only reason you can currently be seen out together is because his children don't live in the UK, but other than that you wouldn't be in a position to visit him at home, all visits need to happen on his terms.

When me and xh separated, I stayed in the family home for eight months while we waited for finances etc to be settled so I could move out. My ds was aware that we weren't together, we slept in separate bedrooms, ds went away independently with me and his dad iyswim and we told him we were splitting. But he still saw us together in the same space. It would have been highly inappropriate for either of us to have started a new relationship during the time we were living under the same roof, even though we were no longer together. And I would never have expected a perspective new partner to respect the line that "we're not together but we're still living under the same roof." because it's disrespectful not only to the other person living under that roof i.e. the x, but also to the new partner.

My friends knew we were separated, my family knew we were separated, but they all would have taken a dim view if I had started a new relationship while still living in the marital home.

So even if this man is being truthful and is no longer with his wife in that sense of the word, the reason why you feel uncomfortable about it is because he is still living under the same roof as her, and as such your own boundaries know that that can never and should never be seen as appropriate. And as things stand, there is far too much of an overlap between you getting together and him splitting from his wife, but you need to separate from this situation by telling him that while you understand that he is not with his wife in the physical sense, they are still sharing the same space, and that in order to both move on they need to be separated in the true sense of the word, and in the meantime you cannot have a relationship with someone who is still living under the same roof as his wife who has no idea of your existance.

if he truely wants to move on with his life, he will separate from his wife properly, it's the fairest thing to do anyway for both of them. And if something is to develop between you then that can happen in time. but now is not that time.

The saddest thing is" I;m worth more than this. if it were true, i would agree."

Please go away and do some work on your self-esteem.

You are worth more than this.
If he really wanted you/you were meant to be: then he would respect you saying he needs to get himself sorted first. Then give you space. Go away and get divorced, sort out his living arrangements. And then come back to try and woo you.

Please do some work to rebuild your self respect.

nequidnimis - that is pretty much where I am getting to right now.

And because his wife and children don't know about you...........you aren't free to contact him on his week home???

He is leaving her because he has met you. She doesn't know he has another woman. So she is now feeling that if she lets him stay in the house, do whatever he wants, he might change his mind and stay with her. But he's not going to because he's got you lined up. He is humiliating her, lying to her, messing with her head and heart.

Imagine how she is feeling right now. Imagine how she is going to feel when she finds out about his lying and cheating.

He is a cruel cheat and you are enabling him.

Putting the best possible spin on it, nappy, he's in a situation which is confused and lacks clarity - and so are you, at least emotionally. I don't see any way in which this can be a positive experience for you and your DS.

The difference between him
living three weeks a month in UK, one week in US and being togther with his wife and
living three weeks a month in UK, one week in US and being separated from her but living with her
Is pretty small.

They are still going to live together, she wants to save the marriage so is quite likely to be willing to to sleep with him. And he gets to sleep with you too.

That's a pretty nice set up for him.
And crap for both his women

Sadly the reason I know you are worth more than this is that I was in your shoes once.
There is flip side to the married man affair script and he is following it to the letter. You, like me then, have just come out of a bad relationship and think this affection he shows you is the real thing. Because it's so much better than the previous relationship.
Script:
Working away from home
no longer sleeping with his wife (yeah, right!!!)
Marriage over years ago but he never did anything about it till he met YOU
only goes home to see the kids
Wife happily accepts that her marriage is over
stays in marital home on visits back
Long way away so you can't check out the arrangements or their joint social life.
Not telling wife about you so as not to upset her
Can't ring him at home in case wife or kids there - would rock the boat
can't ring him at work as some colleagues know his wife and might let the cat out of the bag before he decides she is ready to hear it.

OP if any or all of the above apply then you need to run !!

Ok, what's is wrong with his home set up is,

When he goes home he is a married man living in his marital home with his family.

He really isn't separated emotionally or otherwise.

Are you 'allowed' to contact him during his week at home? Or are you not in contact with him because
a it's his precious time with his kids
b his wife knows they are separated, but not about you, or
c definitely not, his wife thinks they are happily married, a strong family unit and is oblivious to his mucking about?

He is not single and you are his mistress - are you really happy with that? No matter what he tells you he is still invested in his marriage and home. How convenient that you are so many miles apart and when he is with you she won't find out what goes on, and vice versa.