Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

We're both still married and it's really complicated / stressing me out…

367 replies

nappyrat · 07/07/2015 15:26

I am separated (living apart for some time, but not yet divorced) from my husband and have a DS. I recently met a guy who I really like. He invited me out for a drink, and I was under the impression he was separated, but it became clear during the drink that he wasn't, and I told him that I wasn't interested unless that situation changed.

We kept talking, and went out a few more times, and to be honest, it genuinely seems that he has been waiting for years to separate from his wife. He has now finally done it. Partly I am sure, because he knew we had no future unless he did, but not totally because of this, I think he suddenly saw what life could be by meeting me.

He has 3 children who live with his wife in Los Angeles. He goes back there once a month or so (his job is UK based) to see them for around a week.

This guy has been incredibly honest with me so far, and he has now told his wife he wants to separate. But - and there is a big but here for me - he says he is planning to remain living in the martial home (in a separate, downstairs room, it's a v large house apparently) so that he can maximise his time with his children when he is back visiting them.

So, what is the issue!?!?
He has split up with her, and has no intention of backtracking - I believe this
It is completely understandable that he wants to spend as much time with his kids whilst he is there (and I would think less of a man who didn't want to do this)
But I have a really uncomfortable feeling about this. And I don't know why or how to articulate it or if it is even rational.

I would really appreciate some advice. Pls be kind, I am trying to do the right thing. It's just that the 'right thing' seems extremely complicated. The right thing in my mind is to be completely separated (i.e. moved out) before getting involved, but I can see his argument re. his kids, who he sees little enough of anyway.

OP posts:
FredaMayor · 07/07/2015 17:29

OP, you are responding very naïvely to your situation.

I am majorly sceptical, trust me. I am a big cynic! - but not when it concerns BF from LA? Please, step back and listen to the wise words you are hearing from the other posters, and do not allow this man to continue to make a fool of you.

FredaMayor · 07/07/2015 17:31

PS, the mutual friend is irrelevant.

FredaMayor · 07/07/2015 17:39

PPS, 'sharing a house for the sake of the kids', er, not necessary if you have enough money to afford regular foreign travel and 'entertainment'. Sorry, but you either one in a succession of women just like yourself or you are member of a club where you thought you were the only member. This guy must come with a health warning - did you keep the packaging?

chairmeoh · 07/07/2015 17:44

How did you meet him OP?what work does he do that allows him to be away for 1 week every month?
As it's such a new relationship, I'd get out quickly. It sounds more trouble than it's worth.

MrsCampbellBlack · 07/07/2015 17:46

Even if he is telling the truth - where can this relationship go? Surely he'll always need to spend a lot of time in the US and you're here with your DS.

It is complicated now and will only get worse. Unless he is crazy rich and you'll be swishing back and forth in the way of Simon Cowell's girlfriend.

sensiblesometimes · 07/07/2015 17:57

Follow everyone's advice call his wife
If she confirms that their relationship is over then onwards no more angst.
Why won't you do that ?

Stitchintime1 · 07/07/2015 18:03

He's married. He is behaving badly to his wife. He is a liar. He is worth jack shit.

itwillgetbettersoon · 07/07/2015 18:06

this man is not short of money. He flies back and forth to the states every month. He can afford to stay in a local motel and have his kids with him for a week and do school run etc etc. he doesn't need to live with wife of he has separated. You should offer to accompany him on next trip - see what he says. Trust your gut instinct. It is shouting at you that you are the ow.

nequidnimis · 07/07/2015 18:08

His poor wife. I've had friends in that position. She'll be so sad and confused, feeling his emotional distance and thinking everything will work out if she can just be better in some way.

I also know one couple who are separating but living in the same property - both dating, both free to contact whoever they want.

If he doesn't want you to contact him when he's in the family home it's for one reason only - he hasn't yet given up on his wife.

For your own self respect please give them the space to work through whatever it is that's going on between them - if he wants you he'll make it happen (though you will always know that the spineless bastard wouldn't leave his wife until he had someone else lined up, pity he didn't afford his wife the same opportunity).

viridus · 07/07/2015 18:09

It is much, much, much harder to recover from a second breakup, than a first breakup.

You mention you are still in recovery? This is not good timing is it.
Why don't you allow yourself time to recover from your marriage.

Lovingfreedom · 07/07/2015 18:15

Tells his wife he wants to separate (if he's even done that) is not the same as being separated....

sensiblesometimes · 07/07/2015 18:16

He's cultivating the perfect set up ....
These men are always gorgeous kind and loving ....I'm. Sorry
You need convincing evidence that the marriage in LA is over ...or you relationship with him is over ....be honest

Rebecca2014 · 07/07/2015 18:21

How long have you known this man?

You were and are the ow, you admit you were seeing him while he was still married and together with his wife. Their whole set up sounds strange but this man is a proven cheat.

How are you going handle him still living in his married home once a week every month? you cannot keep track of what he is doing when he is in another country! He can easily play both of you.

Best thing to do is to contact the wife and get her to verify every he has said. You can be naïve and just believe what he says but surely you have some self esteem? I mean there are other men out there that don't have this guy baggage. Are you that desperate for a man your just going put up with this?

cozietoesie · 07/07/2015 18:22

When are you due to be divorced yourself?

MaryGorddon · 07/07/2015 18:36

This man is not separated emotionally - if he had separated emotionally he would be able to tell his wife about you and not stay with one foot in his marriage and the other in your relationship.

If his wife still hopes for them to get back together (assuming he has told her of the "separation") then they are not emotionally separated.

They are not physically separated.

The chances of this man being honest, however charming and seemingly kind, are very small.

Further, you are not being honest with yourself. "He has not told her about me (not that there is much to tell TBH)." Either this is a subconscious recognition of your value to him, or you are greatly underestimating your place as the other woman and the effects that will have on his wife, his children and, let's not forget, you

The part you are being honest about is your deep discomfort about this situation. Once you are open with yourself, that feeling will be easier to understand and you will be able to move on to a healthy relationship where the man is available.

Anon4Now2015 · 07/07/2015 18:44

The reason your feeling horrible about him living back with his wife when he goes back to LA is that deep deep down your gut is shouting out to you that when he is in LA he is playing happy families with his wife and kids just like he always has. He's sleeping in the same bed with her. He's kissing her. He's having sex with her. He's promising her he will always love her. He's telling her he misses her when he's away from her. And then he flies back to the UK and repeats the same script with you. And deep deep down your gut knows that, which is why you feel so uneasy about him staying there.

I'm worried about you. You do seem so vulnerable. I've left an abusive relationship and the thing that was most difficult to get back was being able to hear my own gut. I thought I could hear it but I was wrong. What I could hear was over-optimistic logic. I'd convinced myself that I shouldn't judge people too harshly and assume the worst. My ex had taught me to ignore my gut and to believe his lies so much that I couldn't even recognise what my gut was saying anymore. I thought the optimisitic logic was my gut, but then I would have these uneasy feelings about things and would blame myself and my relationship history and my anxiety and then reject my uneasy feelings as unfair or illogical. But those uneasy feelings were my gut.

I'm not a gamboler and I'm always a "give them the benefit of the doubt" kind of person, but I would bet everything I own that his wife knows nothing about this "separation". You do deserve better. And so does your child. If you want to stay with him please at the very least get some clear proof from an unbiased, uninvolved (with you) source that he and his wife have separated. Signed copies of a separation agreement? Copies of emails from his wife about their separation? A conversation with his wife? None of these are unreasonable things to ask for and if he comes up with excuses why you can't have them or why you are unreasonable for expecting them (look who he would be putting the blame onto there) then please doubt every word he says about his "separation".

Duckdeamon · 07/07/2015 18:50

Starting a relationship with a married man was a bad choice. Continuing the relationship would be a bad choice.

If you were making good choices you would not want to be with someone who treated his wife and DC in such a cowardly, selfish and dishonest way.

Duckdeamon · 07/07/2015 18:53

Oh and you only just bloody met him, it's not the destined romance of the century! You clearly have further work to do on your dick radar.

brusselsproutwarning · 07/07/2015 18:59

Sounds like he has a double life.

MaryGorddon · 07/07/2015 19:01

The chances of him telling the truth are, I don't want to use the words non existent, but extremely low. Do you want to gamble your and your son's happiness and that of another family on such poor odds?

MaryGorddon · 07/07/2015 19:08

Happily for him, if he finds someone unquestioning, he can claim anything that works for him and there very little chance it will unravel in the short term in a transatlantic relationship.

However OP you say there a mutual friend who verifies everything - so maybe we are all wrong and you have found a hen with teeth.

MaryGorddon · 07/07/2015 19:15

The "right thing" that you want to do is have some self respect.

You will find good advice on www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/

The most recent post is highly relevant "If they lie to themselves, why are they going to be honest with us?"

brusselsproutwarning · 07/07/2015 19:52

I'm sorry Op, most of these comments including my own are probably not what you want to hear but it all sounds so suspicious

Shrivelleddate · 07/07/2015 21:55

Oooo run that does not sound good. It won't end well x

Thenapoleonofcrime · 07/07/2015 22:05

Even if absolutely everything he says is true (and I'd bet money it isn't) then he hasn't told his wife about you. So, the chances of this cosy set-up of him playing part-time husband are very low for it continuing very long. Once she finds out that actually he has met someone else, and had done so when he was married to her, she's going to go ballistic and not allow him to stay any more. It will be a complete mess.

And that's the best case scenario.

As for this friend, how do they know what is going on in the marital bed? How do they know exactly what he said to her and the exact terms on which they agreed his stays?

You are basically a secret and have to remain a secret. That's not very nice.

I don't know why you are struggling to put your finger on why this is wrong!