We're both still married and it's really complicated / stressing me out…

[nappyrat]

I am separated (living apart for some time, but not yet divorced) from my husband and have a DS. I recently met a guy who I really like. He invited me out for a drink, and I was under the impression he was separated, but it became clear during the drink that he wasn't, and I told him that I wasn't interested unless that situation changed.

We kept talking, and went out a few more times, and to be honest, it genuinely seems that he has been waiting for years to separate from his wife. He has now finally done it. Partly I am sure, because he knew we had no future unless he did, but not totally because of this, I think he suddenly saw what life could be by meeting me.

He has 3 children who live with his wife in Los Angeles. He goes back there once a month or so (his job is UK based) to see them for around a week.

This guy has been incredibly honest with me so far, and he has now told his wife he wants to separate. But - and there is a big but here for me - he says he is planning to remain living in the martial home (in a separate, downstairs room, it's a v large house apparently) so that he can maximise his time with his children when he is back visiting them.

So, what is the issue!?!?
He has split up with her, and has no intention of backtracking - I believe this
It is completely understandable that he wants to spend as much time with his kids whilst he is there (and I would think less of a man who didn't want to do this)
But I have a really uncomfortable feeling about this. And I don't know why or how to articulate it or if it is even rational.

I would really appreciate some advice. Pls be kind, I am trying to do the right thing. It's just that the 'right thing' seems extremely complicated. The right thing in my mind is to be completely separated (i.e. moved out) before getting involved, but I can see his argument re. his kids, who he sees little enough of anyway.

[Offred]

I've never been an OW, I just don't think this is a sensible decision.

[Sloughcooker]

Sorry, offred, I wasn't intending to suggest everyone posting has been an OW. I think many posters have seen this situation unfold at close hand, though, and it generally follows the same pattern...

[Offred]

It's alright, twas not offending me. Just wanted to point out that even if you haven't been burnt by this it still doesn't seem like a good choice!!

[viridus]

Op, are you saying that you are continuing to be his mistress, and have done a "deal" now in the relationship?

People are always I suppose makeing mistakes, and let their hearts rule their heads, but in my opinion it is a situation of abuse.
And because it isn't talked about, not enough people know exactly what goes on when it does happen.

[ChilliAndMint]

I think the OP has truly woken up and smelled the coffee so to speak.
I confess that I have had a few lets call them " dalliances" with disingenuous blokes. My wisdom ( experience) has allowed me to curtail any further involvement.
It's just so easy for anyone, man or woman to get caught up with the excitement of a new relationship.
I don't think the OP is foolish..she has not had the misfortune of meeting people like this man before, so it's hard for her to gauge truth from fiction.
Mumsnet and the like are mazing in so much that we can get good impartial advise that friends and family cannot give.
We don't pussyfoot around an issue...we tell it like it is!

[ChilliAndMint]

ignore typos..split shifts and lack of sleep..

[Melonfool]

"What confuses me so much though is that I genuinely don't think he is doing this / saying this stuff in a concerted attempt to be manipulative etc."

Well, he would't be very good at it if you did think he was being manipulative, would he? And then he'd never get a shag. So he has worked on it and perfected it.

[derxa]

FGS Please listen to everyone. Why would you want to be with someone who tells you he has been a shit husband and father. His actions already demonstrate that anyway.

[IsItStupid]

nappyrat what do you mean he's resolved the first problem? Has he filed for divorce? Has be arranged separate accommodation?

As for the second problem- he is a "shit husband and father."

You do not need a shit husband. You deserve someone better.
Your son does not need a shit stepfather. He deserves better.

Get this toxic man out of your life.

[Duckdeamon]

You only recently met this man ffs, why get into all this angst and drama!

These are really not good choices for now or the future nappyrat.

Even if he looked like a film star and was not a tosser (which he clearly is) he lives in the USA, which would probably by a pain in itself.

[Duckdeamon]

Agree with offered, cozie and other PPs about his telling you negative stuff about himself being ( consciously or subconsciously) manipulative to elicit your sympathy/emotion. Ditto him being upset and sorry for himself after disclosures about his past (and current presumably) bad actions and treatment of people he's meant to love - to elicit your further sympathy instead of the better response for you which would be "you're a tosser - bye!"

[viridus]

Lundy Bancroft, I think says that being a mistress devalues. It's not a good place to be, and not good for your child.
People stay married for a reason, and until they divorce, they are unavailable it's as simple as that.
When you are devalued, it causes problems and over time it will get worse and worse.

[viridus]

I just wanted to say also, that you will be unable to get an honest answer, and or sense out of a married person who wants an affair while they are still married.
They are incapable of sorting their life out, and yet try and involve others in their mess.

[RepeatAdNauseum]

You need to stop talking to him.

Think of him like an infection. You pull away from him, and your body starts to heal but it feels crap because healing sucks and it's much easier to just look after the infection, even if it's killing you. So you run back to him, and feel a bit better for a while - your body isn't fighting anymore, you're not healing, you can stop the hurt for a bit. But you're getting infected again, and then when you back off again, you've got even more healing to do.

Stop running back. If you can't trust your moments of weakness, block his number and delete him, so he has no way of contacting you. Thank your lucky stars that he can't just turn up to your house, and use your thread here as support. By the time he's back, you'll be over the worst of it.

There is no way you can have some fun with this guy, or be his friend. You already are emotionally involved. You are still believing his lies and desperately scrabbling to believe he isn't that bad, he's not like the rest of them.

[nappyrat]

:( I know

[BitOutOfPractice]

Then go NC

[cozietoesie]

Uh Huh. He phoned last night?

[Viviennemary]

I wouldn't believe for an instant that he was separated from his wife. You have only his word for it. I'd wait till you see the divorce papers or else it's a non starter unless you want to continue an affair with a married man which you probably don't. He sounds like a total chancer to me. But that's only an opinion.

[nappyrat]

:( yes cozie :(

I am failing miserably to go non contact... :(

Feeling really weak & stupid right now.

I have reached the conclusion he is not going to be my happy ending, but I am still failing to do non contact. :(

Feeling fragile again, pls stay gentle.

[cozietoesie]

I thought so - the timing would be right.

[nappyrat]

It's not that easy - lots of other forms of communication in play.

[butterflygirl15]

So block him online on Facebook or wherever else. Same with email. It is as easy or as difficult as you want to make it. Tell him to stop and if he doesn't go to the police. Seems to me like you are just looking for excuses to speak to him.

[cozietoesie]

...It is as easy or as difficult as you want to make it...

I think that says it.