We're both still married and it's really complicated / stressing me out…

[nappyrat]

I am separated (living apart for some time, but not yet divorced) from my husband and have a DS. I recently met a guy who I really like. He invited me out for a drink, and I was under the impression he was separated, but it became clear during the drink that he wasn't, and I told him that I wasn't interested unless that situation changed.

We kept talking, and went out a few more times, and to be honest, it genuinely seems that he has been waiting for years to separate from his wife. He has now finally done it. Partly I am sure, because he knew we had no future unless he did, but not totally because of this, I think he suddenly saw what life could be by meeting me.

He has 3 children who live with his wife in Los Angeles. He goes back there once a month or so (his job is UK based) to see them for around a week.

This guy has been incredibly honest with me so far, and he has now told his wife he wants to separate. But - and there is a big but here for me - he says he is planning to remain living in the martial home (in a separate, downstairs room, it's a v large house apparently) so that he can maximise his time with his children when he is back visiting them.

So, what is the issue!?!?
He has split up with her, and has no intention of backtracking - I believe this
It is completely understandable that he wants to spend as much time with his kids whilst he is there (and I would think less of a man who didn't want to do this)
But I have a really uncomfortable feeling about this. And I don't know why or how to articulate it or if it is even rational.

I would really appreciate some advice. Pls be kind, I am trying to do the right thing. It's just that the 'right thing' seems extremely complicated. The right thing in my mind is to be completely separated (i.e. moved out) before getting involved, but I can see his argument re. his kids, who he sees little enough of anyway.

Hmm. Even assuming that he's completely on the up and up, how much of this is you feeling sorry for him? (Think hard about that.)

Sadly for me, he came into my life at a time when I was a bit lacking in confidence, wanted to feel like I might get another man some day.

Yes, totally what I mean. Please stay away from dating until you have your confidence back and are doing fine on your own and not feeling like it would be easier to be in a relationship.

nappyrat

You seem to feel very sorry for this man.

But think- he is a man taking both you and his wife for a ride. It's not fair on his children or on your son that he cannot commit to one woman and one family home.

I really think no contact is the way to go. There are men out there who are so much better and so much more deserving of your time.

Nappy you think far too highly of him, and far too little of yourself.

The best thing for you would be to never speak to him again, I know you're not ready to accept that yet but please try to get there before he returns to the UK. He is playing you like a puppet.

I suspect he's told her he has done this before tbh...

The reason why he has chosen to "offload", is to gauge your reaction to his "intimate confession". If you sympathise with this he knows that you are agreeing with him, that you believe him, that you care for him. This is not normal dating behaviour. Abusers use many tactics like this.
He also knows now that you are complicit with him in his abusive behaviour. You will go along with what he says, and what he wants. In other words he now owns you.
You now feel out of control, and this is what is causing you distress.
He will now take his time, to make sure he has you where he wants. He wants a mistress to not tell his wife, to be available for him, to have sex, to listen to his "woes", and tell him how right he is in thinking these things, and what a wonderful person he is. And what a good Dad he is. In other words he can now "offload" ALL, his needs, - emotionally and physically onto you.
Your needs will not get met at all. It's quite a burden being a Mistress isn't it, and it can cause serious damage. But it's great fun for the cheater, who has two women pandering to every whim.

I'm sorry but he's most likely chosen to tell you " stuff" in an attempt to make you feel privileged to have shared these confessions.
It probably all bollocks...let me guess..
Fatal car accident...shot someone in self defence...?
Even very smart and successful people can be outrageous liars.

Abuse seems to be extremely effective because, "smart and successful" are good at deceit, they have the tools to get what they want. They even have the ability to make the victim do all their dirty work for them.
Yet the victim is the one who gets the blame, and has to cope with the fallout when the mess finishes.

Two of your friends are encouraging you to carry on seeing a man who's married, his wife doesn't know about you and he still lives (part of the time) with his wife and kids? I'm quite shocked by that to be honest!

I'm not shocked - deeply disappointed, perhaps, but not shocked. People often say what they think other people want to hear.

PS - and people often hear what they want to take from a conversation rather than the actual words which are uttered.

I know, it is odd re the friends. They are advising caution, but to at least discuss things with him before abandoning.

I suppose maybe they don't realise how persuasive he can be.

I think perhaps there are two separate things here...one is the mess / rushed state of affairs with his wife / me. The second is what he's done previously - behaviour I don't like or approve of.

Now that he looks like (he tells me) he's resolved the first issue (which was originally the biggest deal for me), my focus is turned on the second, which is actually the bigger deal for me now I think. Previously being a sh@t husband and father.

Xx

For the love of all things holy OP!

Why are you still agonising over this? He's a bad bad bet. A self-confessed shit partner. A liar. A cheat.

No man is so wonderful you can just overlook this.

I want to shake you to be honest!

Hang on, hang on. Am I missing something? He's resolved the first issue? Do you mean that he's agreed not to stay in the family home whenever he goes back to see his DC? And tell his wife about you?

Op,what is wrong with you? Why on earth are you considering being with him in any way? Why would you want to be with such a pathetic excuse for a man? He's married,you leave well alone. Don't 'use' him either.

Find some self respect and some respect for others too,namely his poor wife and kids.

He's a cheat and a liar.

There is no "rushed state of affairs" OP. Might be that his wife has become suspicious....probably done this umpteen times before or maybe a
" mutual" friend has let the cat out of the bag?

Honestly..he sounds like a complete and utter waste of time.

The suggestion to go and read the limerance thread was a very good one.

Please do it..you are already showing signs of it and when you get deep into limerance? It can take YEARS to get out of. Long, painful years where you feel like a twat because you are twisting yourself up about some incredibly drama-fuelled relationship which you know is damaging you. You get nothing but loathing and sadness from it.

I've been there..it is not like a 'normal' relationship and it has taken a lot of hard work to get over that experience.

Please do go and read.

So overnight he has left his wife and instigated divorce proceedings?

I'm lost, what were the other issues that he's resolved?

Out of interest - and because it may be relevant. Why did you separate from your husband?

Cozie - around 14 months ago

I think you misread me, nappy - I was wondering what the reason was and not when it happened.

I don't understand why you are still talking to him...

Reeeeaaallly? He's filed for divorce overnight?

Or has he just said a selection of words that roughly approximate to what you wanted to hear? And now it's all back on again, hurray.

Not sure what you hoped to get from this thread, other than more 'u follow ur heart, hun' affirmation. No one here has any vested interest in hurting your feelings or running him down for the sake of it; we're just trying to save you some time and heartache, based on bitter experience. I completely get that he's an otherwise nice bloke who seems torn between love/duty, etc, and maybe he really is - but the man I was seeing gave me the exact same 'I'm on a journey, blah blah, leaving with or without you, blah blah, need time to play it the right way blah blah' speech. THE EXACT SAME, word for word. And that train hasn't even left the marital station, let alone set forth on its supposed epic journey to Divorce Central.

(And I can think of at least one other close friend of mine who would, very reluctantly because the experience properly messed her head up, say exactly the same thing.)

How long have you known this man? Weeks? The reality is that he owes his kids everything, his wife only slightly less, and you nothing at all. If you think you've got yourself into this situation because your self-esteem is low, imagine how much lower it'll be in a year's time when nothing has changed, he's still 'only staying in the house because the kids cry when I leave for the hotel', and the divorce is 'pending' because his family are still hoping they'll go to counselling for a fourth time.

You can walk away from this now, and chalk the temporary heartache up to experience. If he's all he says he is, you'll get a call in a year's time when his divorce is through, and you can decide then if you'd rather carry on seeing Mr Single and Straightforward that you've been dating since Christmas, or Mr Divorced and Still Flying to LA Every Month While Bitching About His Ex Wife. Give it six months, and I honestly bet you this situation will look very very different.