We're both still married and it's really complicated / stressing me out…

[nappyrat]

I am separated (living apart for some time, but not yet divorced) from my husband and have a DS. I recently met a guy who I really like. He invited me out for a drink, and I was under the impression he was separated, but it became clear during the drink that he wasn't, and I told him that I wasn't interested unless that situation changed.

We kept talking, and went out a few more times, and to be honest, it genuinely seems that he has been waiting for years to separate from his wife. He has now finally done it. Partly I am sure, because he knew we had no future unless he did, but not totally because of this, I think he suddenly saw what life could be by meeting me.

He has 3 children who live with his wife in Los Angeles. He goes back there once a month or so (his job is UK based) to see them for around a week.

This guy has been incredibly honest with me so far, and he has now told his wife he wants to separate. But - and there is a big but here for me - he says he is planning to remain living in the martial home (in a separate, downstairs room, it's a v large house apparently) so that he can maximise his time with his children when he is back visiting them.

So, what is the issue!?!?
He has split up with her, and has no intention of backtracking - I believe this
It is completely understandable that he wants to spend as much time with his kids whilst he is there (and I would think less of a man who didn't want to do this)
But I have a really uncomfortable feeling about this. And I don't know why or how to articulate it or if it is even rational.

I would really appreciate some advice. Pls be kind, I am trying to do the right thing. It's just that the 'right thing' seems extremely complicated. The right thing in my mind is to be completely separated (i.e. moved out) before getting involved, but I can see his argument re. his kids, who he sees little enough of anyway.

Well, if he had moved out with actual proof I would

a) want the proof to be confirmed by the wife!
b) accompany him to the US for a holiday (although not meet the children) to see this separate living in action- if he could spend a week in a motel/hotel/flat and visit the family without them wondering why he was not at home, then I would probably accept that he is separated.

But you have said in your own posts that you feel sorry for his wife because of the way he has treated her in the past? He sounds quite untrustworthy and like he has been unkind in the past. So I would probably steer clear even if he 'did the right thing' in the future.

You have come out of a marriage and I'm sure the breakup was a bit rough. You deserve some time to yourself before you get involved with a nice, single guy who lives in the UK four weeks a month and doesn't ever stay with a former partner!

Look, he wants his cake and eat it. He sounds like a great actor and using you as his emotional crutch.

Out of interest, what would the consensus be amongst you lot if he did actually move out & did actually (proof!) press ahead with 'doing the right thing'?

That relationships that begin as affairs rarely work out and if they do they are unnecessarily hard.

That no matter what he does about his marriage you don't come across as ready for a relationship.

I get the impression - op, that you feel sorry for this man? Why is this?
How can you have any sympathy for a liar . .

Married men cause damage big time, many women have taken their lives, or are on medication, because of the emotional trauma.
And these men coolly walk away without a backward glance. Never accountable for their deceit.

Be mindful of the fact that you were unable to end this relationship, this shows you were/are emotionally involved and couldn't say that most important word - 'no'.
Run for your life, this man is very, very dangerous, he is an accident waiting to happen.

Does the mutual friend say anything about the wife? How can the friend think he's a great, stand up guy if he's seeing you while his wife and kids are at home?

Out of interest, what would the consensus be amongst you lot if he did actually move out & did actually (proof!) press ahead with 'doing the right thing'?

ah, looks like you are a wiiide open for more bullshit

you really, really, really want to believe this is a poor tortured soul who wants to do "do the right thing" don't you ?

If he genuinely separates from his wife and moves out of the family home then you can give this another go.

I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you!

OP, are you the man in the situation strategising ways forward by any chance?

Tumbletumble yeah, great plan to go forward with relationship if he separates from his wife in this situation. 1. Home wrecked 2. Going from mistress to wife creates a vacancy.

When my husbaNd left me for the ow ....eventually...as I kicked him out they did " make a go of it".

Ie she got him living in her home. He went to work abroad and she went with him. He went for a drink with our son when home for a week ( he was living in the UAE) and told him he didn't love her and that when his time was up abroad.he would be leaving her.

He wasn't faithful to her. What I know and she doesn't is that he paid to use a dating agency while living under her roof. The paper trail was on his form E for our divorce.

She didn't like living in the UAE and would often come home for 6 weeks at a time leaving him free to play the field.

I know he had used prostitutes in the past and I also know that affluent parts of the UAE are full of them. He told our son you could have one for the whole night for a ridiculous amount. He will have filled his boots believe me.

If your relationship starts out on a tissue of lies then I firmly believe its destined to fail. You may be the one to break up the marriage but you might not be the one he stays with long term

Men like my ex are plausible and very dangerous. Mine was very generous and could be a right charmer ( he had to do something to make up for the fact that he was a little fat twat!) he had a very competitive streak and loved a challenge. You op would have presented a fantastic challenge to him, someone who wanted to do right but was hurt and vulnerable and the more you withdrew the more he would have pursued you telling you everything you wanted to hear......in other words lies.

There a wife at the end of him with three children to care for , whatever the state of the relationship, it's going to get messy whether she wants him or not. What we can bet our bottom dollar on is she will not want her standard of living to drop.

I think you need to go to relate. They are very good. I used to work for them. I think you need to talk over your exit from your marriage , your vulnerabilities and have some guidance over what you want from your life and how to avoid making poor choices. Say you are prepared to wait for their most experienced counsellor if need be.

Even if he is the most genuine guy in the world and I sincerely doubt that you just don't need a messy divorce on your hands. You certainly don't need a man like my exh. He really screwed the first one up having her crying on Christmas day because he was at home with his family.

Good luck. Glad you have plenty of things going on to keep you occupied.

Nappy you still haven't told us about the previous stuff with his wife.

Seems like you're ready to take him back

I would press on with your own divorce, and tidy up your life to start again. You might find that clarifies his thinking - possibly not in the direction you'd hope, though.

At the moment, you're technically both on the same moral playing field of being 'separated but not divorced' (although I suspect he's not really anywhere near that, to be honest), and he's probably justifying it in his head as, Well, she's not free to do anything, she's just as bad as me, it's not like she can expect much because she's still married on paper. He sounds like a chronic justifier type: if he can square it away in his head, it's all good. But it's not.

Make it clear that you need a new start, with or without him. He will probably might panic and vanish, because he thinks you'll expect him to do the same, and it doesn't sound as if he's anywhere near ready to do that. But you will be set to get on with your life, and, without wanting to sound too much like a hippy, that clean, positive energy is much more likely to attract a straightforward, healthy relationship. This is an unholy mess, and even if you did end up with this peach of a man, as the OW, you'll be at the bottom of the pile when it comes to sympathy, consideration, and time. Even from the other side of a computer screen, I'm 99.99% sure you deserve more than that.

firstly, I want to say in the real world, the situation where a husband and wife split up but end up staying in the same house is extremely common. There are 1001 reasons this happens but largely it is for financial reasons (and sometimes for the sake of the partner who would normally leave getting to stay and have time with the dcs). Of all my friends who have recently split up, I would say this has happened in 50% of the cases (though I am in London where property prices play a big part in this).

So that on its own is not unusual.

The issue here is whether you want that level of complication in your life and it's really a choice to make. You sound besotted with him and it is hard to see past that. The problem is, you will not be his priority and chances are you will never be his priority and that will only bring you heartache! And I suspect you know this but are being swept away by the excitement of a new relationship.

I hate it, I don't like it, but I AM TRYING TO ARTICULATE WHAT IS WRONG WITH IT! ;)

What is wrong with it is that he is saying he is going from husband/ father to just father. And emotionally that's just not possible especially if one partner does not want the 'husband' part to end. As a very young woman I tried to 'stay friends' with boyfriends after we had finished - it doesn't work because there is far too much emotional baggage.

His wife cannot begin to heal / move on whilst he is living in the house one week a month. It's like a constant picking scab.

When I divorced I initially let my ExH in to the house to 'do bedtimes' etc because its 'better for the kids' . In reality it just was an opportunity for both of us to vent at each other. To heal from a marriage you need space to move from being one another's partner to co-parents. That CANNOT happen if you are living in the same house

That's assuming all of this isn't a big pile of bullsh*t

the reality Lemon, is that often people do stay in the same house, for whatever reason. It isn't ideal but it is a modern day financial reality sadly.

Your last post indicates that you are clinging on to this. Please be careful, I sense that as soon as he comes back with a new angle, you are going to fall for it.

Can you turn the spotlight off him and onto yourself? Can you start to invest in yourself in some way, small steps at first, to try and build your self esteem? You just don't need a headwreck like this man to come along and do more damage to you.

Maybe separating but staying in the family home is common but I don't know a single person/couple who has done this. Because it's unbearable when a relationship is genuinely over.

Whatever he said I would want to speak to his wife. To make sure you can see the situation from both sides. Assuming the breakup was stable and amicable enough for him to be in the right place for a new relationship, that would be OK with both him and his wife. If not, you would be crazy to start one.

Some people do separate and stay in the same house for awhile - but they both consider the other person single and free to discreetly see other people. This man hasn't moved out or told his wife about OP, and didn't look set to do either anytime soon.

To me that means he is more likely to be on the hunt for an OW than a genuinely separated guy trying to do the right thing.

I am a bit amazed by the suggestions that the OP should phone the wife up for a nice chat about the state of her marriage! That might happen on MN but not in RL

I think that, if he was a decent person who genuinely cared about the OP, he would realise that the lines he's trotting out are those trotted out to the OW by every unfaithful husband ever.

He would value her integrity and find a way to reassure her of his honesty that didn't involve glibly telling her to 'trust him'.

In short, he would find a way to make it happen - it's not hard really, to tell his separated wife that he'd like to start seeing other people. Or is he going to be sneaking around with secret girlfriends forever?

At best he can't tell his wife about OP now because it's too soon and his wife will know the real reason he's checking out of the marriage, and at worst he can't tell her because she still thinks they're properly married.

The same with the accomodation - what a crock of shit. His kids cope fine without him for three weeks in every month. Is he always going to live in the basement? Even after his wife remarries? Of course not, at some point he needs his own place in the states, even if it's only a serviced apartment, and if he wants to prove his commitment with the OP there's no reason why he couldn't go ahead and do that now.

Out of interest, what would the consensus be amongst you lot if he did actually move out & did actually (proof!) press ahead with 'doing the right thing'

Apart from the unfaithful side of his character, I still think that any kind of serious relationship with someone who has three children living almost half-way around the world is not going to be viable.

So grateful for the advice.

One thing that strikes me though, which I am slightly surprised about is the black&white view of the world some seem to have here. I just don't encounter that much...there tend to be grey areas for me...a lot.

Sure there are shades of grey in every relationship. I completely agree. But when you take a few steps back - and take off your rose-tinted specs - most things look much more Very Dark Grey and Almost White than you're seeing right now, up close and squinting hopefully.

I agree OP. There are shades of grey. But in this case you were being told a big black lie