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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

We're both still married and it's really complicated / stressing me out…

367 replies

nappyrat · 07/07/2015 15:26

I am separated (living apart for some time, but not yet divorced) from my husband and have a DS. I recently met a guy who I really like. He invited me out for a drink, and I was under the impression he was separated, but it became clear during the drink that he wasn't, and I told him that I wasn't interested unless that situation changed.

We kept talking, and went out a few more times, and to be honest, it genuinely seems that he has been waiting for years to separate from his wife. He has now finally done it. Partly I am sure, because he knew we had no future unless he did, but not totally because of this, I think he suddenly saw what life could be by meeting me.

He has 3 children who live with his wife in Los Angeles. He goes back there once a month or so (his job is UK based) to see them for around a week.

This guy has been incredibly honest with me so far, and he has now told his wife he wants to separate. But - and there is a big but here for me - he says he is planning to remain living in the martial home (in a separate, downstairs room, it's a v large house apparently) so that he can maximise his time with his children when he is back visiting them.

So, what is the issue!?!?
He has split up with her, and has no intention of backtracking - I believe this
It is completely understandable that he wants to spend as much time with his kids whilst he is there (and I would think less of a man who didn't want to do this)
But I have a really uncomfortable feeling about this. And I don't know why or how to articulate it or if it is even rational.

I would really appreciate some advice. Pls be kind, I am trying to do the right thing. It's just that the 'right thing' seems extremely complicated. The right thing in my mind is to be completely separated (i.e. moved out) before getting involved, but I can see his argument re. his kids, who he sees little enough of anyway.

OP posts:
ChilliAndMint · 09/07/2015 15:18

I don't know if I speak for the other posters on this thread, but I actually find that remark quite insulting.
There is no grey area here...he mislead you and you fell into his trap.
It might be a "grey" area had it been you had been long term friends or colleagues and had fallen in love. This clearly isn't..he asked you for a date.

Offred · 09/07/2015 15:35

there tend to be grey areas for me...a lot.

Well you know someone really is either married or not. And your boundary, that you stated to him was that you don't date men who are still married. No grey there unless you delude yourself about his intentions and your boundaries.

Offred · 09/07/2015 15:36

And to be honest I think it's you that's seeing things in black and white; I believe everything he says and think he can do no wrong...

ChilliAndMint · 09/07/2015 15:42

OP if you really wanted to know about more this guy it would be pretty easy to have a surreptitious peek at Facebook or other social networking sites.
For all you know he might not even be the high flyer he claims to be..

IrianofWay · 09/07/2015 15:56

The grey areas don't tend to look quite so grey when you are the ones being hurt. Of course if you are comfortable distanced from the whole mess and have never been involved in anything similar it's much easier to see the nuances and delicate shading. For those of us how have or who have been close to people who have, there isn't much ambiguity. I wish there was - I'd give anything to have the luxury of indifference.

ChilliAndMint · 09/07/2015 16:00

I think the majority of posters on here have some experience of being taken for a ride...
It is only through bitter experience that we can begin to recognise the patterns and warning signs.

Atenco · 09/07/2015 16:21

As a wise man once said, life is not full of shades of grey, it is full of colours.

The good thing about mumsnet is that they tell it how they see it. But you are totally free to ignore the good advice that has been given to you here, OP. Lots of people do.

AnyFucker · 09/07/2015 17:17

I'd say this particular bloke was talking in shades of brown ...

PeppermintPasty · 09/07/2015 17:51

Hah! indeed!

viridus · 09/07/2015 18:17

Just think of the great time this bloke is having. His wife is being would it be 90% carer for three children, while he has a whale of a time, entertaining women here.
No wonder most of these men live like singletons at jobs that work away from home. This kind of lifestyle sure suits people who have no morals.
If he loved his children he wouldn't be this far away from them.

Original poster
nappyrat · 09/07/2015 19:44

The shades if grey I refer to are more about people not being b&w more than actions. He's simply not the nasty bad bad man - yes he's done some shit things, but he is incredibly loving, kind, generous etc.

He called me today....Hmm

And it has left me feeling crap, despite the conversation being relatively friendly.

It's strange, I'm almost feeling like how I imagine it is to wean yourself offa drug - I was quite pleased we spoke because the ending the other day was so awful. And I think he thinks there's a possibility things may be ok...but in many ways it's left me feeling more than ever that this could never work.

The conversation today felt more manipulative & selfish than ever before :(( and I am desperate to get my head moved on before he gets back to the uk.

But I am finding it hard.

I know I deserve better, that this could never work, that I would always be worrying he'd cheat on me. I know it has no future, that his kids would (&should) come first.

But yet I am finding it so hard to just never contact him again. Hmm

Pls don't hurl abuse at me. I am a bit fragile tonight.

OP posts:
Offred · 09/07/2015 19:48

No-one is hurling abuse at you.

Everything he is doing is exactly what people on this thread said he would do if he was 'nasty nasty bad man' or basically not what you utterly believe he is. Your assessment of him is wrong, we are trying to get you to see that for your own good!

It is hard, it is like a drug because you've become emotionally dependent on him which is classically what happens when a vulnerable woman meets an abusive man.

You do need to go no contact with him. You really do.

Anon4Now2015 · 09/07/2015 19:50

The conversation today felt more manipulative & selfish than ever before

I think this is the bit you need to keep remembering. You have drawn a line with what you are prepared to accept for your own and your DC's wellbeing. Instead of accepting that he is trying to manipulate you. This man is only interested in his own wants not yours.

You are doing really well to have drawn that line. Stay strong. This is not what you deserve or what your child deserves and if you settle for it, that's only wasting time (and heartbreak). Stay strong and you will get what you deserve

BitOutOfPractice · 09/07/2015 19:56

Oh nappy. It's a head fuck isn't it?

You know what you need to do don't you? Go NC. Otherwise he will be reeling you in, letting you down, reeling you in...ad nauseum

cozietoesie · 09/07/2015 20:01

What was his ostensible reason for phoning you?

Was it by any chance the 'But Darling (sorry - I suppose I shouldn't really call you that) but still - there's no reason we can't be friends is there?..........'

AnyFucker · 09/07/2015 20:05

who is going to hurl abuse ? Confused

Yep...no contact is the only way. That was suggested to you pretty much from the get-go on your thread. People in the grip of limerance just do not listen though. Those people also think that everyone else but them is being too harsh on their object of desire

Have you seen the limerance thread, love, you will find your behaviour and thought processes within it and some astoundingly empathic people. That is because they have lived it, been mangled by it and want to help others not be chewed up and spat out by it too

cozietoesie · 09/07/2015 20:15

Yes indeed - who is going to hurl abuse? Many people may not think a lot of him but that doesn't mean that they think any less of you. They've (many of them) been where you are and know the feelings and problems only too well.

Teabagbeforemilk · 09/07/2015 20:21

Op he asked you out while he was still with his wife. Wether he is separated or kind of separated but still sleeping together, or still together isn't the point. He started looking for someone else while he was still with his wife.

He broke it off with you, to do this journey alone and get some head space. But has called you again. It isn't shades of grey. It is black and white.

Being a cheater doesn't mean someone is entirely a bad person. However he is treating you badly and you are still hanging onto some fantasy of him that does not exist.

PeppermintPasty · 09/07/2015 20:29

No one has been or will be abusive to you. We are only abusive about him Wink

You should maybe think about what you are going to do to deal with the pressure you feel. If, or rather when, he turns up, the way you are talking I feel that you are going to 'give in'.

I actually think that you are not quite convinced by everything that has been said on this thread, and I'm not trying to be unkind or unhelpful in saying that.

Have you spoken again to your friend (I haven't gone back through the thread but I'm fairly sure you spoke to a girlfriend about this). Can you not enlist the help of friends to, if you like, keep you occupied?

If you feel you are unable to simply tell him to fuck off, then you are going to need a strategy to stop getting sucked back in.

AreYouSupposedToBeInIowa · 09/07/2015 20:31

AF Shades of brown! Grin Grin Grin

Melonfool · 09/07/2015 20:51

So, that was handy - you've got your rebound relationship out of the way quickly.

Now, have a nice rest, sort yourself out, take up a new hobby and then start to think about meeting an available guy.

Atenco · 09/07/2015 21:27

A lot of us have been there, OP, and not given up when we should have either. It is hard to give up the habit, but really you are saving yourself an awful lot of future grief.

There is huge witchcraft market in Mexico City, full of potions to get the person you love to fall in love with you, but I really think there is a huge call for a potion to get these fuckers out of our heads.

ChilliAndMint · 09/07/2015 21:36

OP I think you have been fortunate in a way... I for one have met a number of disingenuous blokes so I suppose I ( and many other Mumsnetters) have their radar finely tuned.
He played you..he wouldn't have been so offish and manipulative if he had genuinely wanted a meaningful relationship with you.
He was scared you might do something like tell the missus and he's not prepared to lose her for any other woman.

QuiteLikely5 · 09/07/2015 21:40

Just be grateful you dodged a bullet

Listen to your head!!!!!!!!

ChilliAndMint · 09/07/2015 21:54

He could be just a very ordinary working class bloke who happened to be American and living over here. I have a few American and Canadian neighbours who have quite ordinary jobs in the UK.
A good friend of mine is British and works as a trucker in Canada..he tells me he could have his pick of women because they all fall for his accent.
I honestly think the part about going home once a month is a bit far fetched...okay I know some people fly transatlantic a couple of times a week... it doesn't wash with me.